If Your Feet Aren't on the Ground...

Be The Ball, Danny, Not a Fucktard.

2009-02-11T16:57:00.004-05:00

Holy shit boys and girls!

Hi There!! Oh how I've missed you.

Where have you been? What’s that? Oh me? Well…

Along with the promotion at work, they expect a lot more effort (and even worse, more work) from me lately. I have to, like, do stuff. A lot of it.

(let me get this straight: I get paid a lot more, you want me to actually do more? I’d almost rather go back to the old way thank you very much)

On top of being busy with work I am in the process of moving. Sounds awesome, right? It’s not.

Not even a little bit.

I am currently staying with friends of mine in a spare bedroom that I literally cannot stand up in unless I am standing on my bed.

It’s a very tiny room in case you didn’t pick up on that point.

Lately I work all day (and really hard too, totally bullshit I know), then I leave work and go look for apartments with scummy brokers and people who lie about the size of their advertised apartment (btw, those two are NOT mutually exclusive).

In addition to that, I just had to write two articles for a magazine that a dear friend of mine publishes. She rules, the magazine rules too and I’m glad they are starting to print it again. But my creative juices (ick!) have been sapped lately by the lack of energy (work and apartment searching) and any remaining writingness (shut up, it is a word) I have in me has been going to crafting two of the most choice articles no one will ever read.

You want to know the worst part? I haven’t even been able to READ other blogs… I think my reader has like 1200 unreads in it. Sweet, I can’t wait to dive into that.

I haven’t been to the gym in like two weeks, I have no free time at work anymore, and I think I am beginning to re-develop a serious painkiller addiction.

Where am I?

I feel like I am in some weird time warp too (side note: How about freaking LOST? Too awesome and too long to get into now, but damn what an awesome show) where weeks are just peeling off the calendar. I can’t believe it’s the middle of February. I feel like Helmet Week was a few days ago.

(Ed Note: Three Weeks!?!? I just noticed my last post was January 23rd. I can't believe three weeks have gone by. Oh wow...)

Also, I think they are monitoring my Internet usage at work now. So… Hi there IT guys!!

Other than that, things have been going great!

Lately I have been thinking of incorporating a new word into my everyday vocabulary. Check that. I already use it, but I’m thinking of making it official: Fucktard.

As in, “dude, stop acting like such a Fucktard before I bitchslap you in front of everyone.”

What do you think? You like it?

If not you’re a Fucktard and I will slap you.

Friday Video Fun

2009-01-23T16:47:00.006-05:00

I've been crazy busy with work again lately. The good news is that I am finally feeling it again. I have sort hit my stride again lately and am feeling good about work and working. I still am aware that I don't want to get stuck in the life-long rut or whatever, but I am good with where I'm at right now. At least for the time being.

Things at work are insane-o busy, which makes me feel good about the job and makes the time go by so fast it's like I'm stuck on an island with other survivors of a plane crash...

Speaking of time travel and crashing planes... How about the LOST premiere? I missed it on Wednesday due to a long ass story that I will relay soon. But I watched that shit on DVR last night and Wow. Just wow.

Best show ever?

Totes.

Anyway, in the spirit of having fun and being reckless and irresponsible (me? nah...) here's a video for your Friday enjoyment (although it's freaking late already, so maybe for your Monday enjoyment. Whatevs).

This is one of my all time favorite videos. It's just pure fun, dangerous and intricate.

Enjoy.

Have a great weekend!

We Have To Go Back

2009-01-21T12:12:00.003-05:00

LOST starts again tonight.

I am shitting kittens in anticipation.

Freaking out would be a gross understatement.

It's all I can think about today.

You Stay Classy, America

2009-01-20T12:34:00.006-05:00

What an awesome day!

We have a new President.

Bush is out and Obama is in.

Fuck yeah!

I am so excited for a change in the way this country is run, a breath of fresh air into American politics.

Obama's inauguration speech was great, I hope you saw it.

You know what kind of balls (I mean courage) and integrity it takes to give your first address as President and basically say, "We're in the middle of a horrendous shitstorm, but things will be okay in the long run if we make smart decisions and try harder than we have been lately."

That is the kind of honesty and integrity that has been missing from that office for eight years.

For eight years all we have been hearing is, "we are winning, things are going well and that everything is fine."

Obama is the kind of leader who will motivate people to try harder, to do better, and to help affect that change we all want to see.

Barack Obama: He has a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Barack Obama is the balls.

Here's to our new President, Barack Obama. It's about time.

Friday Video Fun

2009-01-16T13:06:00.005-05:00

In the spirit of getting things back to normal around here, it's time for you know what...

Damn right.

The weekend.

And also Video Fun. You know, since it's Friday and all.

I am starting the apartment hunt in earnest now - looking for a place in Manhattan. I can't move until February 15th because I am a broke bitch and I need to wait for my bonus (which comes a convenient two months after Christmas) and my raise to kick in. The bright side is I make enough now (or will soon) to afford to live by myself. And I love myself. Constantly.

Let me express to you how horrible it is to look for apartments in NYC.

First of all in order to even find a place worth living in you pretty much have to pay a broker's fee. That's basically a fee of $2000 for someone with access to apartment listings to refax your info to the landlord for you.

Awesome.

Did I mention rent is at least $1500/month to live in a shoebox? That's if I get lucky and find a cheap place to live.

Now I get to deal with apartment brokers showing me small places in old, gross buildings and trying to get me to into apartments I don't like. Good thing I'm a crabby, spoiled, picky person who doesn't mind telling a broker they have to actually earn their fee by showing me 900+ apartments this month.

Whatever.

Unfortunately I am the kind of spoiled, crabby person who isn't patient enough to actually go look at that many places. So here I am starting the hunt for a new apartment.

That being said, while I'm not excited to look for a place and to actually move, I am excited to live somewhere new and to not commute an hour each way on the subway every day.

(I'm not sure if I've mentioned before my extreme contempt for the F train. No? Oh, well I dislike it immensely. True story.)

OK, so wish me luck on the apartment search. I will leave you with this video...

I honestly don't even know what to say about this, just watch it.

Have a great weekend!

The Dude Abides

2009-01-15T10:32:00.001-05:00

I am sorry I haven't been writing at all lately. I feel like my world has been turned upside down or something. I am not sure what to do at this point and aside from being insanely busy with the new role at work, I am simply feeling left without any inspiration or unique (or funny) thoughts at all.

I need to stop writing posts saying I haven't been writing and apologizing for being absent, but I really do feel like I am abandoning friends of mine (you, of course!). So, I will make a bigger effort to start writing more.

Seriously, I will. We're still cool, right?

I am kind of worried at this point that I won't get back on track and start thinking like myself again. Then again, I am optimistic that this might be the kind of realization period I need to go through to "find myself" again.

(I can't believe I just said I need to "find myself", ugh... But I really am feeling lost inside my own head lately)

Ever since my friend died a few weeks ago, I have really started to think about what I am doing in my life, what direction I'm headed in and what direction I want to be headed in (and about him, a lot, which has been really, really tough). Pretty much since then I have either been on a sickening, hair-twisting bender or thinking deeply about life and stuff. The weirdest part? He would be a great person to turn to right now and while he would totally make fun of me for asking, he would surely give me some solid, borderline prophetic advice about what to do (probably something like: Shut the fuck up and let's go ski).

I touched on it in my last post, which was forever ago (again, sorry for being a dick, I still love you) and I got some solid advice from you all, thanks. Most of the (really kind and insightful) words were pretty logical thoughts - essentially to find that direction or passion inside myself and (ready for another sick cliché) to follow my dreams. And also it seems that a lot of people are in the same boat, which makes me feel better for not being a spoiled, crazy fucktard.

Misery loves company.

I am on a role with the stale clichés today, huh?

The problem is, I have no fucking clue what my dreams even are. I don't know who I want to be or what I want to do.

And at this point, I am working (admittedly a super awesome job as far as jobs go) a job I'm not sure that I love (I do actually really like my job most of the time). I definitely do not dislike my job at all; it's great for the most part. I just don't like to work - or maybe I don't like to feel like I am trapped doing the thing that everyone is "supposed" to do.

I don't know.

What I do know is that I am working at a job I don't have an insane passion for right now. Well, actually I kind of do but I just feel like I have no passion for anything right now, which is probably a more realistic assessment of the situation; I'm kind of numb lately. And all that keeps happening is people telling me how great I am at this job and me getting promoted. So, I am probably doing something right.

Or I am just that innately awesome and everything I do is so far superior to everyone else's work- I can't even finish that, it's simply so untrue it hurts to type it.

Either way, what I am doing right now in my life (or with my life, whatever...) is fine. But that's just it - it's fine with small flashes of greatness every now and then. I know I am destined for something amazing and so ultra-super-duper-party-patrol-fucking rad that right now I feel like I may just be wasting time trying to figure out what it is. But (and here's the real headfucker) what if this is a necessary step to figuring out what I want to do? What if this is what I need to be doing right now to find myself.

(Really? Twice in one post? Wow.)

I just don't get how so many people can be (or at least seem to be) happy doing what they do when it looks to me like they (we) are all doing the same damn thing.

I don't even know where I am going with all this. I need to figure out what the F I want to do. Or not. Maybe I just need to be content with what I am doing for the time being. But that's how people get stuck running the race, getting caught in the rut - the work, marriage, kids, gross/old rut.

Am I running out of time or am I laying the groundwork for some sort of elevation of consciousness or at least some frame of mind where I can think somewhat objectively about who I am and which direction to start heading in? Because at this point, I am turning around in circles treading water with my eyes closed.

[Ed Note: The spacing is all weird, I know. But no matter how many times I edit it and try to fix it the edits won't stick and nothing changes. So, sorry if it looks sloppy and oddly spaced - it's Blogger not me.]

There is no Spoon

2009-01-07T17:09:00.006-05:00

Wow. I haven’t been here in a while. Sorry about that. Helmet Week 2008 really took the wind out of me.

But you are the wind beneath my wings.

Seriously. You are.

Helmet Week is over and I am paying for it dearly right now. I am so sick from the abuse my body (and mind) endured during said week, and all the…uh, stuff I may or may not have…uh, ingested. Dig?

I got effed the eff up. For real. And now I am having the flu and trying to habituate and adjust back into normal life. Not cool dude. So not cool.

On top of that I have a ridiculous amount of work to do now. You know how I got promoted before I left? Well, it seems that they expect me to do more work since they’re now paying me more. WTF is that about, right? Did I just type WTF?

(OMG, I just LOL’ed in my pants.)

And technically, since the paperwork hasn’t gone through, they aren’t paying me more yet. I’m just working harder and being sicker. And not in a good way.

The past two days (wow, has it only been two days since I came back to earth? Help me) have been so rough, it has got me thinking - which is generally pretty dangerous. Why should I work? I dislike it immensely I think. I would so much rather not do anything than have to wake up early, commute (on the bane of my existence, the F train, no less), work, rinse, repeat.

The odd thing is: I have an AWESOME job. I mean everything about it is great as far as jobs go – other than the whole waking up, commuting to get here, etc part. I have the best boss ever, the people I work with are fantastic, I get paid enough to not be homeless, and I don’t ever stay late. Like ever. My job rules; I just dislike working in general.

Working after two weeks of super extreme party patrol and being sick when you come back is even worse. Trust me, I died a little this week.

I have also been thinking about the path I am on. The path I used to be on. The path so many people end up taking in life...

How come so many people follow the cookie cutter path? School > Work > Marriage > Kids > Being old and gross and probably playing a lot of golf (Encore: Tweeprise>Death)?

I used to live such a righteous and groovy life. I followed the Phish band; I skied and threw myself off of massive cliffs everyday before drinking myself into an ulcer. Now I work in a cubicle?

I actually got excited today about moving into my new cube.

Let me repeat that: Cube*.

I shouldn’t be psyched about that, should I? I used to get psyched about a big second set opener, or a 14 inch snowstorm overnight (that’s what she said!). Now it’s come to this?

I remember thinking about how I would never be one of those people who ran the rat race and sold out to the man. Shit, I am like one step away from becoming the man now. And not in a good way.

How the shit did this happen?

What do I do now? Do I bail on all this (all this what? I don't have THAT much going for me)? Do I move back to Colorado and start skiing again? Maybe a beach in Indonesia? I mean, Phish is coming back soon... I am so worried I am going to spend my whole life running on this hamster wheel and not realizing I wasted my life doing until I am old and gross.

Or have I realized it already?

I don’t know if I am moving down this path because that’s what people are “supposed” to do, and since I’ve never been one for doing the things I am supposed to do, I am trying to make up for it now. Or if I was on the cool path and lost a fucking wheel and have veered onto the “normal” path of supposedness somehow.

OMG, WTF… I am having an existential meltdown. I used to be cool and awesome. Now I am totally in the Matrix. And not in a good way.

Morpheus, hook me up with the blue pill dude, stat.

Ten days of relentless helmetness (yeah it rhymes fool!) and I start questioning it all. Or maybe it’s the three days of helmetlessness since then. But man, I either need to find a way to never work or start thinking seriously about what I really want to do in life. Actually those things might be one in the same.

Hi, I missed you.

*My new desk is actually pretty sweet. I’m just saying…

Helmet Week 2008

2008-12-30T16:08:00.005-05:00

Helmet week 2008 is in full swing. I thought I would be posting more during this long stretch of time off of work, but obviously I have been absent. Sorry about that. I really do still love you and cherish our relationship.

You're not still mad are you?

I could give you all sorts of excuses about how I've been busy taking advantage of not working and how I'm accomplishing all those things I don't normally have time to do. But the truth is I am hanging on to the last few brain cells I own right now.

Helmet week, for those that don't already know, is that grand week or so between Christmas and New Years when people are feeling festive, people are in town visiting and ready to party. I love this stretch at the end of the year. I pretty much go nuts.

Helmet week is official. So far I've blacked out (twice), fallen over, eaten ice cream for breakfast, stayed up for more than 24 hours, and puked in a rental car. Game on.

Jesus, I just reread that. If anyone knows a good rehab facility please let me know, it might be that time.

I'll be back to posting more regularly after I relearn how to read and write.

Happy New Year and don't forget to wear your helmets!

Tits McGee is on Vacation

2008-12-24T12:37:00.006-05:00

Okay, so today is my first day off of like twelve and I am in my office. Lame. Although, it's this kind of work ethic that gets me promoted so often.

No it isn't. I actually made myself laugh by claiming I have some sort of desirable work ethic.

Because I don't.

I wanted to give you a nice holiday send off. I plan to spend the next couple weeks killing brain cells and sleeping. I am sure I'll be updating here since I really won't have a whole lot on my plate in terms of, uh, working and stuff.

You know how it is.

Oh, you don't? Well, then I'll let you know how my two week vacation goes; hey, you can read about it while you're at work.

Sorry. That wasn't cool. I just wanted to make sure you know how awesome I am for getting so many days off in a row.

Truth be told, I am actually planning to work on Monday. And since I'm technically working today (going over some of the transition stuff for the new position), feel free to call me out for being both a liar and kind of a (total) dick.

I also wanted to say thanks for all the nice comments about what happened last week. I had a really tough time dealing with it all, and it was nice to know people were thinking of him and of me. So thank you for keeping me in mind and sending all the good vibes this way.

Plus, this week, I kind of want to continue putting down my thoughts on the direction I want to take my life in. While Lottery Winner seems like the best course of action, it doesn't seem the most likely. And I have heard that people around this age (28 in case you're counting) sometimes begin to question this kind of thing, so maybe it isn't just me?

Seriously though, I used to be so cool. And now, well...

(sad)

Okay, so have a great day lighting the Menorah, opening gifts, and hoping to catch a fat guy B&E.

(That's slang for "breaking and entering" for those of you who've never been in "the joint")

And enjoy celebrating the birthday of a dude my people killed like 2000 years ago and stuff.

Merry Christmahanukkah!

I'm kind of a big deal... People know me... Um...I'm very important... I have many leatherbound books

2008-12-23T10:45:00.006-05:00

I don't want to work anymore.

Not like here, because I actually have a sweet job that, as far as jobs go, is great. I work with amazing people, I have the best boss I have ever worked for, and my job isn't terribly difficult or stressful most of the time* (as you can tell from the amount of time I spend on here). I'm just saying, the ideal career path for me is Lottery Winner.

I mean that I don't want to work at all anymore. Ever. I don't want to exert any amount of effort doing anything that isn't completely pleasurable or fun.

I want to be extremely rich and have the freedom to do anything. Or nothing. I want to have tons of money without all that "hard work" hoo-haw that often accompanies such a thing. I just want to have all that money to allow myself to go wherever I want, do whatever I want and to be comfortable enough not to worry about what I am spending my money on (like now, how I have to worry about stupid bills and stuff).

Now, I talk about this often and inevitably someone will say, as I am lamenting about how I dislike waking up before noon and having to "work" all the time at my not-that-difficult job, something like, "Oh, but I bet you'd get bored."

No. Trust me, I wouldn't.

I would be extremely content to wake up late everyday, have some breakfast, maybe work out, read a book, watch TV make sure the interweb is still there... Or just hop on a plane to a beach or to some insane mountain paradise whenever I started to feel the slightest inkling of being bored.

Trust me; bored I would not soon become.

Other times people will say, "You wouldn't work? Oh, I bet eventually (when you get bored) you'd volunteer."

Um, remember I said I wanted to have a shitload of money?

Volunteer? People with money donate, they don't volunteer. Volunteering is for people who aren't drinking tropical drinks out of a coconut on a beach somewhere before they head off on a ski trip in South America the next day. Volunteer, pffft, how about I volunteer to write you a big check?

I am not so materialistic as this may sound, I am just really averse to working hard at anything. I guess some people might call that laziness, but I feel like I am just being ambitious about chasing the dream of not working hard.

(And actually I have like 12 days off starting tomorrow, which I am ridiculously psyched about. I plan no going on a massive bender. Helmets will be required.)

I know if I found something I was super passionate about and could make that my career, I would do it, and it wouldn't necessarily feel like work. But I don't know what that is right now. I don't know what would drive me like that at this point. And frankly, I have done that sort of thing with my life (see: following that wacky Phish band, skiing) and that idea shifts and seems to change every few years. Which professionally is rough, because once I became established at something, I would feel that urge to change gears again.

I am sort of lost right now about who I want to be and what I want to do in life. I had a near breakdown about this while issue a few months ago, and almost lost my marbles. I need to figure it out, and find the direction I am passionate about so that I have a way to point myself in. You know, in case the whole getting rich without working thing doesn't pan out soon.

Any ideas?

*I literally got pulled into my bosses office and promoted (for the second time in two months) halfway through writing that sentence. WTF? Am I that awesome? Clearly the answer is yes.

I'm in a Glass Case of Emotion

2008-12-19T09:46:00.003-05:00

I lost a good friend yesterday in an avalanche. I have been back and forth about whether or not to even mention it here, I don't want to make it super public or feel like I am exploiting him by writing about it, but I wanted to let you know why I wasn't writing much lately and I feel like I need to get this out. Technically, they haven't found his body yet, they may not find it until spring when the snow melts. It was a huge slide - a five foot crown that stretched about 40 feet. Those of you who know about snow science and avalanches know a five foot shelf is big.

My friend was a guy who never got a pass to the ski area and rode almost exclusively in the backcountry. Maybe he wasn't the most cautious guy ever, but he seemed to always have a grip on what he was getting into. So why was he out after getting three feet of snow in less than a week? "Well, you know ____" is all anyone can say. That's just how he did things.

He left on Wednesday morning to go ride a chute that sees a fair amount of backcountry traffic, albeit not lately with the storm cycle they've been in. Yesterday, when he hadn't yet returned people went to check his house, check the trailhead... He hadn't come back and his bike was still out there, where he had left it. Search and Rescue said they think they found the spot on the top of the chute where he dropped in, and just below that a huge fracture from the avalanche he most likely triggered. S&R, along with most of my friends, including my old roommates, are going out today to try and find his body.

I am crushed. The only thing I keep trying to tell myself is that he sucked every ounce of life out the time he had here. Homeboy made every day count and had more fun than anyone else doing it. He really enjoyed every day and did what made him happy. Always. He didn't have a big bank account, he didn't have a serious career, but he was a professional at enjoying what life and the outdoors had to offer. This was the guy you could always count on to be a partner in crime when you needed him to be; to climb a mountain in June to ski a 60 foot snow path that hadn't melted; to go to the bar and shithoused on a Monday night when you needed to do it. In short, he was just always there for anyone, anytime, and he loved it - no matter what it was. But no matter how much I tell myself that he enjoyed life and got a lot out of it, it still really tough to think that he won't get to do any of that stuff again, and he got shorted on a lot of years.

When he lived on our couch (for like 6 months) he and I would stay up every night, drink like 10-15 beers each - sometimes we would see who could slam a whole bottle faster, fun times that "adults" don't normally have on a regular basis outside a fraternity - and watch Anchorman. So I am going to put up a clip this week with some Anchorman moments for him. I know he would appreciate this, he's kind of a big deal.

Oh Think Twice, it's Another Day For You And Me in Paradise

2008-12-17T11:23:00.017-05:00

I am kind of bummed today. I am moving out of my apartment in February. My roommate is moving to Brazil to live with his girlfriend and I cannot deal with the (nearly one hour) commute to and from my office anymore. So it's time to go.

About a month ago a good friend of mine, we'll call him E, mentioned that he had a close family friend, who we'll call W, with an apartment in Gramercy that she owned but didn't live in anymore because she got engaged a while ago. Her and her parents were bleeding maintenance fees every month and haven't been able to sell it (something about the economy?). So here they had a fully furnished one-bedroom apartment in a really nice neighborhood in Manhattan and no one living in it. They also didn't want just anybody living there, they wanted a family friend, a nice Jewish boy (or girl) to live there if anybody at all was going to. Being the upstanding citizen that I am, I offered to move in and pay a ridiculously low rent (all that I could afford, actually a little more than I could afford). They liked the idea. And even though I could only afford a rent that was $200 less than they wanted, they figured that they weren't going to put it on the market as a rental, and here I was offering to rent it for more than they pay in maintenance fees.

I've always felt like I need to live in Manhattan at some point while I'm still young to get the full NYC experience. As much as I love Brooklyn, I enjoy the city a lot and I feel like I need to live there soon. Also, I really, really loathe the fucking F train and am so over riding it every time I need to go somewhere.

The other night E called and said everything looked good, W's parents (who help pay the maintenance fees) were into the idea and so was she. All I needed to do was go through the paperwork stuff, etc.

Yes!!

From my new apartment in Gramercy I can walk to work in less than half the time it now takes me to ride a slow, crowded subway (I cannot express to you how intense my hatred is for the F train. If I could karate chop a subway line in the throat, I would do so until my hand broke and my arm fell off. That is grossly understating my contempt for the F. Fuckingashitfuck.). I am also living much closer to my favorite bars and restaurants, my kind-of-girlfriend-kind-of-not-girlfriend-kind-of-not-sure-right-now, the village, work, my job, work, my office; And I am in a great part of the city.

Except I didn't actually get the apartment.

Yesterday E called back and said W's best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of three years and that she was moving out and into W's place. So I'm shit out of luck on my sweet new pad in Gramercy.

Awesome. Super duper.

The thing is that I can't really afford to cough up an insane amount of money right now to move somewhere else (broker fee, first/last/security = like $4000+). This place in Gramercy would have been nice (in addition to all the aforementioned reasons) because I could have paid the first month's rent and paid the security deposit over the course of a couple months.

Now I have six weeks to find a new place. I have like $200 in my bank account (sadly that is actually true) and I really was looking forward to living alone. In a sick location. It's not that I don't make enough money, it's that I excel at spending it so fast. I like to eat at nice restaurants and I make ridiculous impulse purchases all the time (who doesn't need three iPods and an authentic Karate Kid headband to go with those new shoes you'll only wear once?). Saving money is a foreign concept to me, like seeing boobies everyday or soap.

I did however just recently do the math on how much I can save if I stop buying coffee and lunch everyday. Holy effing luxury tax Batman. You want to feel bad about yourself? Add that up and realize the percentage of your income that goes towards keeping yourself fed and caffeinated at work everyday. Last night I made food for the entire week's lunches and I started today drinking the coffee in my office.

All I need now is a retainer, a pocket protector and a lunchbox and I will be a full blow nerd.

To live alone at this point is not an option unless I start moonlighting as a male prostitute (and let's face it, I'm not nearly attractive enough and I have far too much body hair to make real money at it) . I am more than likely going to have to move into a share situation and hope that I don't get some skin-eating psycho as a roommate.

I am crushed that this place in Gramercy didn't work out. Devastated in fact. I knew it was too good to be true and I tried not to get my hopes up, but the night before it fell through I gave in and got excited (when E told me it was happening). So now I start the apartment hunt, which is going to suck. I've already talked to a couple brokers - a situation which I can't afford the fees for anyway - and I've been cruising Craig's List for apartments since yesterday afternoon. Apartment hunting already sucks actually, and I'm realizing quickly that I have a serious cash flow problem (being that I'm broke and all, but I do have some mighty cool shit to put on eBay). I might have to start selling my nude photos to Jizz Hut, but I doubt they'd be worth much.

I should let you know right now that I may be homeless pretty soon, so if I stop blogging for a bit it's because I can't find a place to plug in my laptop outside while relaxing in a cardboard box. If you don't hear from me, worry.

So, shamelessly I'll close by asking if anyone knows of a super sweet deal on a nice (read: standing, with a roof and running water) apartment in NYC. If so, please email me or let me know how to get it.

Oh wait... Actually, just start sending me money so I can afford a really nice place and/or pay a broker's fee. Yeah, that's a much better idea.

Looks Like We Made It...

2008-12-16T13:01:00.011-05:00

Holy shit I did it! I made it (almost)! I am this much closer to being famous (well, more than I already am). Someone found my blog though a search engine. Yep, that's right. Not just anyone gets mentioned on those things, you know.

I know I owe you the story of the drunk teamster and who called me a fruitcake and whose best friend invented something you're using right now. But I have to share something else with you first. Something awesome.

(And honestly the teamster story isn't really even that interesting.)

I just recently started to keep track of the stats on this blog; sorry if that freaks you out. But because you and I have always been about having an open, honest relationship, you should know that every time you view this blog I get your home address, telephone number, social security number, naked pictures, etc.

Or, you know, I can see that "someone" viewed it.

(so feel free to email me those naked pictures)

I can also see where that viewer was referred from or if they found me in a search engine. Since I began checking the stats about viewers I have had exactly one person find us here through a search engine.

It was some search engine called "Google."

Yeah, I've never heard of it either.

But dude, you're getting boring. I thought you said something about awesomeness? Well, how's this for awesome?

Anybody want to guess what that person typed in to Google to find this blog? C'mon go ahead...

Give up?

"Jizz Hut"

I shit you not, the one person who has ever found If Your Feet Aren't on the Ground through something other than another blog, or 20sb, or their own reader or whatever, typed in "Jizz Hut" and landed here.

My first reaction was, "awesome, someone new found my blog. And through Google no less. I really am on the road to becoming famous."

I make fun of myself for being immature and having an inappropriate sense of humor. But the fact that someone actually typed in "Jizz Hut" and was directed to this blog is fucking awesome.

I totally win.

Actually just the fact that someone typed "Jizz Hut" into their Google search bar is funny enough.

Jizz Hut? Why here?

And then there's the obvious thought. Who is searching the Internet for Jizz Hut and why? ...Actually I don't think I want to know.

Is Jizz Hut like Pizza Hut?

Well, no, it isn't. I Googled it myself (just now actually, probably shouldn't have done that from work) to see if I came (heehee) up, and it turns out that Jizz Hut is an adult website.

It's probably pretty classy too, with a name like that.

And class is what we've always been all about here.

Jizz Hut... Man, I rule.

What to do When Your Facebook Gets Hacked

2008-12-15T11:40:00.001-05:00

The following is a transcript from a Facebook chat my friend Bo had with the person who hacked our friend Jenn's account. Just so you know, Bo and I are basically non-sexual soulmates. He has been one of my closest friends for more than half of my life, and we tend to think using the same brain. Except he is much, much funnier than I am. And more talented at stuff.

To give you a bit of context, Jenn is a friend of ours from high school who I am vaguely in touch with (through Facebook) although we more or less lost touch, like most of the people I went to high school with (with the exception of a select few). Bo and her, both still living in Minneapolis, are still friends and in touch more often than she and I, but not super close.

I didn't want to edit the text, and it is from a chat, so bear with any spaces missing or misspellings, etc. This is just so damn funny I couldn't not post it on here.

The chat Bo had with whoever hacked Jenn's Facebook account:

Jennifer

hi

9:06am

Bo

Hey you!

9:06am

Jennifer

am in a mess

9:07am

Bo

what sort of mess?

9:09am

Jennifer

am stuck here in London

9:09am

Bo

well that's not so bad. How are you stuck?

9:10am

Jennifer

i was robbed in my hotel room

9:10am

Bo

scary

you ok?

9:11am

Jennifer

am ok

9:12am

Bo

they get your passport?

9:12am

Jennifer

nope am glad my passport is secure all my belongings including my wallet was stolen at gunpoint

9:13am

Bo

jesus, he came into your hotel?

9:14am

Jennifer

they came

4 of them

9:14am

Bo

Brits?

9:15am

Jennifer

dont know

but the police told us that they are russians

9:15am

Bo

are you alone there?

9:16am

Jennifer

am here with my husband

9:17am

Bo

neither of you hurt?

9:17am

Jennifer

nope

9:18am

Bo

well that is fucking scary, but I'm glad you are okay. Both of you

9:18am

Jennifer

yeah

we are glad we have out lives and our passport secured too

we need your help

9:19am

Bo

sure, what do you need?

9:20am

Jennifer

wondering if you could loan us some money to get out ticket back home and to settle some outstanding bills here at the hotel

i will pay back immediately i get back home I promise

9:22am

Bo

how much do you guys need?

9:22am

Jennifer

700$ will be ok since some money has been wired to us earlier

just not enough to get us back home

but i dont if you could afford such at the moment?

9:24am

Bo

I really dont have that much money, but I can try to get something together, did you contact your folks?

9:24am

Jennifer

yeah

our parents sent the ones we have to us how much do you have on you now that can be wire to us via western union now?cos thats the way we recieve money earlier

9:26am [By now Bo figured out it was a scam, and NOT Jenn]

Bo

what hotel are you in?

9:27am

Jennifer

Sector Hotel

9:28am

Jennifer

are you helping us or not?

please talk to me

how much can you afford to loan and wire to me now?

9:29am

Bo

hold on

9:32am

Jennifer

hello

am still waiting !

9:32am

Bo

checking my bank account, hold on

9:33am

Jennifer

oh,ok

9:36am

Bo

setting up western union now, did you tell your mom you were robbed?

9:37am

Jennifer

yes

she sent some money too

how much can you afford now?

9:40am

Bo

I can only send $1000 at a time

9:40am

Jennifer

ok

9:42am

Bo

do you need more than that?

9:42am

Jennifer

no

9:42am

Bo

ok where do I send it?

im so worried for you

9:43am

Jennifer

to my name

9:44am

Bo

how much should I send?

9:44am

Jennifer

how much can you afford?

9:45am

Bo

i have plenty, over 10,000 in my account, so how much do you need to get home safe

9:45am

Jennifer

900$ will be ok

9:45am

Bo

are you sure thats enough?

9:45am

Jennifer

yes

which stage are you on the transfer?

9:46am

Bo

stage 2

9:46am

Jennifer

which page is that?

9:46am

Bo

im new at this, give me a minute

9:47am

Jennifer

but you should be able to see what is on the page

9:47am

Bo

I miss spending time with you

9:48am

Jennifer

which page are you?

whats on the page?

9:48am

Bo

it says defcon 4 at the top

does that help?

9:49am

Jennifer

what!

9:49am

Bo

I cant get it to work, I'm going to drop the money off at your parents house and let them wire it to you. okay?

please talk to me

9:50am

Jennifer

what happened

you not trying to help me

9:51am

Bo

I cant figure it out, bringing the money to your parents

9:51am

Jennifer

i dont know what you might be thinking

but you can do anything you like

you are not doing anything since just trying to waste my time

thinking this is a joke? right?
9:52am

Bo

No i really want to help you, but I cant get western union to work
9:53am

Jennifer

okthere is a way out

9:53am

Bo

what is it?

9:53am

Jennifer

can find an agent very close to youand you can wire it from there

9:54am

Bo

ok let me know where

9:55am

Jennifer

You can get this yourself on the western union home page

on the top you will see FIND AN AGENT

9:56am

Bo

oh ok

9:56am

Jennifer

click that and you will the nearest to you

9:56am

Bo

Do you still work at the day care?

9:57am

Jennifer

i work for Target

have you seen outlet very close to you now?

9:58am

Bo

yes I found one.I will drive there

9:58am

Jennifer

ok

9:58am

Bo

Should I call your ex husband?

9:58am

Jennifer

where is that?how long will it take to get there ?

9:59am

Bo

5 minutes

9:59am

Jennifer

do you have to go that lenght?

am with my husband

9:59am

Bo

should I call your ex husband?

9:59am

Jennifer

why do you have to call any other person

are you trying to expose me to the whole wordl?

10:00am

Bo

your first husband, he has a lot of money

Is your daughter with you? [Jenn doesn't have a daughter]

10:01am

Jennifer

please go and do this if you really wants to

10:01am

Bo

Okay I am going, is your daughter with you?

10:01am

Jennifer

when you are backdrop a note for me in my facebook inbox with the transfer detail for the pick up

have to go now

10:02am

Bo

wait wait!

10:02am

Jennifer

you have my name

incase you need an addressthis is the hotel address11 GILDEN STREETLONDONNW5 4AQ

10:03am

Bo

lets talk about the old times, how we used to take long walks in the park. Remember that time you got sick on the school bus and threw up on all the kids?

10:03am

Jennifer

UNITED KINGDOM

i will check back later to get the details

you are nut

10:04am

Bo

you smell like fresh flowers and rain drops!

10:04am

Jennifer

we should discuss that now that am in a messgo first

then we can talk better when am back home

thanks

10:05am

Bo

mmmm ok then we can get messy?I've never loved another woman the way I loved you

10:06am

Jennifer

please go now

10:06am

Bo

my life has really fallen apart since you left me

10:06am

Jennifer

please go noware you going now or not???

10:06am

Bo

yes I am going, but is there a chance we can get back together?

10:06am

Jennifer

you know for this i owe you a favour back

10:07am

Bo

i often sit for hours in the bath tub, with nothing but a can of peanut butter, crying about you

10:07am

Jennifer

maybe we sit and talk things overbut i will have to get back home first

10:07am

Bo

i'd like that

10:07am

Jennifer

please go now

10:08am

Bo

I have thought about ending my life at times. I just dont want to keep living without you

10:08am

Jennifer

you have the info with youright?

10:08am

Bo

i am empty on the insideI am yet to find another woman who will spit on my face when we do our love makings

do you remember?

10:09am

Jennifer

do you have the information with you?can you go now

please go

10:09am

Bo

make me believe you want me back. i need you

10:10am

Jennifer

am not saying a word again

10:10am

Bo

I will send any amount of money you want, but i want you back

10:10am

Jennifer

are you tormenting me?

go first

10:10am

Bo

are you tormenting me? I have been heart broken since you left

10:11am

Jennifer

PLEASE

10:11am

Bo

tell me you love me

PLEASEI knew it, you only want my money

I am going to kill myself

how could you do this to me?

we have 4 children together [They never even dated]

10:12am

Jennifer

I WILL ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME

ARE YOU GOING NOWOR NOT

IF YOU CANT HELP ME IN TIME OF NEEDHOW DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU AFTER?

10:13am

Bo

just tell me you love me

do it now

10:14am

Jennifer

MY HUSBAND IS COMING NOW

OK

10:14am

Bo

all over you?

where is he coming?

10:14am

Jennifer

I LOVE YOU

WILL YOU DO THIS FOR ME NOW

10:14am

Bo

yes i will

I love you too

10:17am

Jennifer

OKARE GOING NOW?

DO YOU HAVE MY INFORMATION I SENT YOU?

HOW MUCH ARE YOU SENDING NOW?

ARE YOU THERE?

10:21am

Bo

Ok it should be sent

i sent 900 is that enough to get home?

hello?

are you ok?

10:24am

Jennifer

HELO

AM HERE

10:25am

Bo

is your husband there?

10:25am

Jennifer

YES

ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR ME OR MY HUSBAND?

10:26am

Bo

Does he pleasure you the same way i did?

do you love him more then me?

10:26am

Jennifer

ARE YOU BACK?

HOW MUCH ARE YOU SENDING?

10:27am

Bo

Answer me, DO YOU LOVE HIM MORE?

10:27am

Jennifer

NO

10:27am

Bo

DO YOU LOVE ME MORE?

10:27am

Jennifer

YOU ANSWER ME

10:27am

Bo

Who DO YOU LOVE MORE?

10:27am

Jennifer

ANSWER ME FIRST

10:28am

Bo

yes I am back, now tell me WHO DO YOU LOVE MORE?

10:28am

Jennifer

IF ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR MONEY YOU ARE ASKING ME ALL THIS

HAVE YOU DONE THIS

HAVE YOU SENT IT?

10:28am

Bo

You used to love when i did the shocker on you. Remember?

10:29am

Jennifer

HAVE YOU SENT IT

I WILL NOT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION AGAINUNTIL I HAVE THE DETAILS

THATS WHTA I WILL SHOW HIM

SO HE CAN GO OUT OF THIS ROOM

AND I CAN TALK TO YOU BEFORE HE RETURN BACK

10:30am

Bo

I am not going to send it untill you tell me you want a pearl necklace.

Say I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A PEARL NECKLACE

10:30am

Jennifer

ITS YOUR MONEYYOU CAN HOLD IT

HAVE A NICE DAY

10:31am

Bo

NO WAIT

I want to help you

10:31am

Jennifer

THEN HELPME

INSTAED OF THE CONDITION

I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU TOO

10:31am

Bo

ok just tell me you want a pearl necklace, that all i want, just say it please

10:32am

Jennifer

WHY WOULD I SAY THAT???

10:32am

Bo

You know why,

JUST SAY IT

10:32am

Jennifer

I WANT A PEARL NECKLACE

10:32am

Bo

mmmmmmmmm yeah

What is my surprise?

10:33am

Jennifer

ARE YOU GIVING THE DETAILS NOW OR NEVER?

10:33am

Bo

I am leaving now to send you the money

tell me my surprise

10:33am

Jennifer

NO

YOU ARE A LIAR

10:34am

Bo

Do you even care if I live or die?

10:34am

Jennifer

YOU SAID YOU HAVE GONE

AND RETURNED

NOW YOU ARE JUST GOING

10:34am

Bo

You never even loved me did you?

10:34am

Jennifer

WHATEVER

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME

10:34am

Bo

I already sent the money, is that all you care about?

10:34am

Jennifer

NONONO

10:35am

Bo

So you still love me?

10:35am

Jennifer

BUT I NEED TO GIVE THAT TO MY HUSBAND HERE

TO GO AND GET THIS PICK UP

THEN HE COULD LEAVE THE ROOM

I WILL BE ALL ALONE HERE THEN

AND WE CAN TALK

10:35am

Bo

then we can cyber?

10:35am

Jennifer

I CAN SAY THINGS

BUT NOT WITH HIM HERE IN THE SAME ROOM

10:36am

Bo

but when he leaves we can cyber sex?

10:36am

Jennifer

I CAN DECIDE TO LOG OUT ON MY OWN

10:36am

Bo

mmmmm I love when you LOG OUT

10:36am

Jennifer

I CAN SEE YOU ARE JUST WASTING MY TIME

OKBYE

10:37am

Bo

But im sending a lot of money, the least you can do is cyber sex with me

10:37am

Jennifer

BYE

GO AND DIE WITH YOUR MONEY

10:37am

Bo

But I already sent it

10:37am

Jennifer

OH

YOU CAN GO THERE AND COLLECT IT BACK

10:38am

Bo

you dont need it?

10:38am

Jennifer

YES

10:38am

Bo

yes you dont?

10:38am

Jennifer

YESI DONT

10:39am

Bo

ok, but do you still love me?

like the olden days

10:39am

Jennifer

CAN YOU LEAVE ME PLEASE

YOU ARE A LOSER

10:39am

Bo

you want me to leave you alone?

10:39am

Jennifer

SIMPLY BECAUSE I ASKED FOR HELP

YOU THINK I SHOULD LOSE MY SENSES BECAUSE OF THAT

TO HELL WITH YOU

10:40am

Bo

no, I just want to give you a pearl necklace, you asked for it.

10:40am

Jennifer

DO YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE TALKING IN THE PRESENCE OF MY HUSBAND

10:41am

Bo

Sure, he can hop in the mix if he wants, you always were nasty like that.

Remember that time with my sister?

Hello? Remember that time with my sister?

10:42am

Jennifer

WHEN I STOPPED DISCUSSING WITH YOU

YOU WILL GO

10:43am

Bo

You are so mean to me

10:43am

Jennifer

YEAHI AM

AND I WILL CONTINUE TO BE

10:44am

Bo

Why?

10:44am

Jennifer

IF YOU CONTINUE TREATING ME THIS WAY

MUST I TELL YOU I LOVE YOU IN THE PRESENCE OF MY HUSBAND

10:44am

Bo

Did you like the pearl necklace?

10:44am

Jennifer

DONT ASK ME ANYMORE QUESTION?

10:45am

Bo

is that a question?

10:45am

Jennifer

CAN I HAVE THE DETAILS?

I REALLY NEED THAT MONEY TO GET OUT OF HERE WITH MY HUSBAND

ARE YOU SENDING THEM OR NOT?

10:45am

Bo

mmm you want the juicy details?

10:46am

Jennifer

THIS IS THE LAST TIME AM GONNA ASK

10:46am

Bo

ok ok ill give you the details.

10:46am

Jennifer

JUST A MESSAGE FROM YOU WHICH IS NOT THE INFORMATION

OFF I GO

10:47am

Bo

The first thing I'm going to do is lay you on your back,mmmm

10:48am

Jennifer

WILL YOU SAY GOODBYE NOW

10:49am

Bo

I'll never say good bye, I love you forever

10:49am

Jennifer

COS AM REMOVING YOU FROM MY LIST NOW FOR GOOD

10:50am

Bo

But before i go, can i borrow some money?

10:50am

Jennifer

YOU ARE DISAPPOINTMENT

FROM ME OR WHO?

10:50am

Bo

you sound like my mother

10:50am

Jennifer

YOU ARE NUT

YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF EXAMINED

BYEBYE

10:51am

Bo

it's just nice to talk to someone. I dont get out of the house much

10:51am

Jennifer

BYE

10:51am

Bo

my pants are off

10:52am

Jennifer

TOR IN HELL

ROT IN HELL

10:52am

Bo

I dont know, TOR sounds like more fun

You don't have permission to chat with this person.

So can i borrow money or not?

Friday Video Fun

2008-12-12T12:47:00.010-05:00

Awwwwww shneezy, that's right - it's time for some Video Fun. I mentioned last week that I had been vibing YouTube pretty hard, and the decision about what to put up today was tough because I've saved a few gems for this here weekly segment of video love for you.

I am sticking with the musical theme this week because, well, I find that stuff to be funny and it's my blog and I can do what I want (unless you want me to change something. Seriously, anything you want. I would do anything to make you happy).

I added an extra video this week too, because these kids too rad to ignore. This is a band called the McLovins. these kids are like 15 years old and they met at Jazz Camp (this one time at...). Now, you know I did Phish tour for a bunch of years (you did know that right?), and I love that wacky Phish band (and music in general). So I am posting this bonus video for two reasons: These kids absolutely SHRED and they are shredding a Phish song here. Plus, how often do you get to post a video on the internet of fifteen year old boys and not end up on To Catch a Predator? Um... nevermind.

Seriously, 15 years old and wailing that hard on a guitar is just effing amazing.

I had a wonderful experience last night that I'll get into next week, but essentially I had a fun and somewhat interesting night, followed by a two-hour nightmare of a commute home on the subway. FYI, that commute is usually about 20 minutes. So yeah, I was thrilled to walk in my apartment at like 2am last night. Not to mention, I thought I was going to get in a fight at a bar in Queens with a 60 year old construction worker who is apparently best friends with the inventor of something fairly amazing.

Like I said, interesting night. Stay tuned.

I also met with a personal trainer last night at the gym and I think she may have put some sort of spell on me or something. Because I was tired when I left last night, but I felt fine. But today I feel like I was hit by a truck or something. I can't remember the last time I was this sore. It's so good, but so bad at the same time. Ouch.

Coming up sometime next week (or the following week, or whenever I feel like it really) will be the "about me" list or the answers to some of those questions. I still really can't believe a few of the obvious questions haven't been asked yet. Feel free to keep emailing them to me or commenting... or not (I'm looking at you Beth), whatever.

And without further ado (which is kinda like saying, "but enough of that bullshit" isn't it?), here is this week's Video Fun, the bonus addition:

Have a great weekend. Don't do anything I wouldn't do...

How to lose weight quickly

2008-12-10T16:28:00.012-05:00

During the years I lived in Colorado and did the whole extreme skier thing I was fucking deisel. I mean was in really, really sick shape. Then a few years ago, while I was still living out there and still skiing everyday, I got hurt really bad (extreme skiing lends itself well to serious injuries; seriously, true story) and was laid up for a while. I lost most of my sponsorships and got really lazy in general. Which led to me getting kind of... um, round.

After I got hurt I went back to school, graduated from said school (hey, a lot of people need 8 years to finish college without getting an M.D.) and moved to New York to get a "real job." Now, instead of skiing and generally enjoying the mountains, I ride the subway and sit at a desk most of the day.

Awesome move, dude.

During the injury>school>move to NYC>desk job span I managed to gain a lot of weight. In the relatively short timeframe right after the injury I gained some weight because I wasn't very mobile and I was on a 100-bong hit a day regimen, which led to many Ben & Jerry sessions and a lot of sitting around. Plus, apparently drinking like 15 beers a day can be fattening.

After moving to New York and being the serious foodie that I am I naturally felt it was my responsibility to try as many restaurants and pizza joints as I could when I moved here. So that, combined with not burning like a million calories a day while skiing, meant I got fat after I moved here.

FAT, fat. And not with a "ph" either. I gained like 60+ pounds in less than two years.

I know.

This past spring, I found out I had an ulcer (I wrote about it briefly here, but again, the 15 beers-a-day may have been a contributing factor. Just saying). The doctor put me on some meds and no alcohol, and I put myself on an ulcer-curing diet plan. I ate yogurt and granola for breakfast, I would have a banana or two for lunch (sometimes I would have some carrots for lunch - how exciting, right?) and I would eat an avocado and a half a cup of cottage cheese for dinner. That's it. For almost five months that was all I ate. Ulcers really harsh your appetite bone and I love avocados and cottage cheese, so it actually wasn't that hard to do.

Around the same time as I discovered I had an ulcer and started on the diet and all, I saw a picture of myself. I realized - just like in one of those Jenny Craig commercials - just how fat I really was. I looked like Jobba the Hut. Pregnant. After a big meal. Except, you know, whiter and with a lot more body hair.

So I figured as long as I was on the holocaust diet plan, I would start working out again and try and shed some of the extra pounds I had worked so hard to add on over the past couple of years. While it was a difficult decision, and I loved those pounds of flabby fattness for all the good times we had shared and all those long nights it kept me warm, I felt it was time for us to end our courtship.

So I started running and doing sit-ups and push-ups everyday. I was never a runner at all, so this was a big step for me - running like 4-5 days a week. (Wait, so I just put one foot in front of the other and repeat? Huh...)

The ulcer had forced me onto a crazy lactard-rabbit diet, my own sense of self-disgust had me working out again and I ended up losing about 50 pounds in just over four months.

(I seriously thought about writing to one of those self-help or healthy lifestyle magazines with "the ultimate diet plan." Then I found out that getting an ulcer and having no appetite isn't really that healthy. Go figure, my one shot at being ever published. Also: Not sitting on your ass all day and cutting some calories out of your diet? Not a very innovative or unique approach to losing weight.)

My workout when I lived in the mountains involved some training, generally peaking during the fall to gear up for the ski season. But it was mostly a Rocky IV kind of workout: Shoveling snow, skiing, lifting the front end of my snowmobile out of deep snow when it got stuck, chopping wood in the fall, construction work in the summer, just exerting myself in general.

(Wow, I just re-read that last paragraph and holy shit did I used to be manly. Now I can barely carry my own purse without getting tired.)

Now I work out in the gym. I started at the gym again this winter when it got too cold to run outside and I am pretty much there five days a week. The thing is I have an ultra-super-serious sweet tooth and have no will power over it (I am snorting Oreo crumbs and chasing them with bacon grease even as I write this). I still want to drop about 20 more pounds to get to where I want to be (which is even more insanely, ridiculously good looking than I already am; if that's even possible) and I know in order to do that I need to work out AND not eat anything. At all. I know my addiction to cookies, boobies, bacon and fattening foods is what is holding me back from losing the last little bit, but I cannot control myself. I am essentially working out in order to be able to eat what I want and to not gain weight, but to not lose any either, like treading water.

Fat water.

I have always been all about enjoying life to the fullest - eating, fraternizing, drinking, cavorting, you name it - if it feels good then do it, I say. So, seriously, drop a few more pounds or give up good food and cookies and bacon? Particularly with all the amazing restaurants and food in New York City, it would be like going to a whorehouse after I cut off my dick.

So my question is: How does one willingly quit eating food that's bad for you without first getting an ulcer?

Or a better question is: How can I keep eating cookies and bacon (oooh, what about bacon cookies? I bet those would be awesome!) and still lose weight? And how can I get really rich without having to do any actual work? And how do I keep all these attractive women from begging me to sleep with them? It's getting so annoying. Wait...

Oh, and keep the questions for the "about me" section coming. Seriously people, that post isn't going to write itself and I haven't nearly enough motivation or introspective prowess to write that much about myself. Also, I am really surprised by the fact that a question I thought would be asked hasn't even been approached yet. I thought for sure it would be one of the first ones I'd get, but nothing at all... Hmmmm.

It's a Christmas miracle that I haven't bitchslapped a stranger yet

2008-12-09T13:57:00.008-05:00

Okay, I know I am technically Jewish and I don't even celebrate Christmas but I am extremely excited for the Christmas season this year.

Normally all the holiday songs and cheer and goodwill and all that shit really bothers me. I don't like people, and I certainly do not like people I don't know talking to me or asking me for spare change. But this year, and maybe because I am getting to be an adult (haha!), I am really pumped for all the lights, Christmas music (Mostly Sinatra and such), store window displays, snow, and especially all the cheeriness and goodwill (not by me though).

Whatever it is, I am so psyched right now for the season.

Fat people normally gross me out, but fat people dressed up like Santa? Awesome.

Reindeer usually terrify me and I have to sleep with the lights on when I have the reindeer dreams. But Christmas reindeer? Electrifying!

Homeless people begging for change on the subway normally makes me sad. But homeless dudes begging for change and adding "it's Christmas season"? Well, actually, that still makes me feel bad.

But I think you get the point - I am geared the ef up for Christmas.

Oh, and Hanukkah too. Right, My peoples' holiday. I am excited about that too.

Seriously, I don't know why that is this year. Maybe because NYC gets so "Miracle on 34th Street" this time of year. But I am buzzing with anticipation and excitement for all that stuff.

I want to do all that stupid holiday stuff that you see people in those sappy Christmas movies doing. I want to go ice skating, shopping, bake cookies (well, I'm excited to eat Christmas cookies anyway), decorate a tree, slap a stranger, hear Christmas music in stores and elevators...

I may even get a tree in my apartment this year. Shit, I may even put those little, what are they called... "lights" on it.

Now don't get me wrong, I still am not likely going to buy gifts for anyone or do anything special to show my excitement and cheer. No, I want to make sure I continue to put off that angry teenager vibe all the time and that no one knows how happy and excited I really am about all this shit. But I on the inside, rest assured, I am glowing with cheer, goodwill and Christmas spirit. Well, as much as any Jew can.

Ugh, how sugary was that? I think I need to go puke now.

Relaxing Weekend in my Hot, Hot Pants

2008-12-08T13:10:00.011-05:00

How was your weekend? That's nice. Mine was pretty solid too.

I had a good friend in town this weekend for work, so we got off a couple nice dinners and I got some great sleeping/relaxing/football time in while she was working during the days.

Did you see Saturday Night Live on, well, Saturday? Malkovich was good, he's a pretty funny and very creepy dude. And if you missed the Digital Short this week, "Jizz in my Pants" you missed out huge. I can't get the NBC video to embed - it keeps shutting down my page with some sort of error and NBC has removed the video from any other site (stupid copyrights). So in order to watch it you'll have to go here. Totally worth it though.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Samberg is a genius. The other guy in this is Jorma Taccone, he is a writer for SNL and was one of the guys who helped with the "Lazy Sunday" and "Dick in a Box" clips among other things. They, along with a dude named Akiva Schaffer are the group of filmmakers, The Lonely Island. These are funny dudes and the guys responsible for SNL's Digital Shorts (and a bunch of other, older stuff).

Enough with the fucking history lesson though, right? Time to bitch about something I can't really do anything about.

It is like 150 fucking degrees in my office today. I don't know how hard it can possibly be to get the temperature right in here, but it is a constant struggle. For a solid five months out of the year it is over 85 degrees in here, no shit, and sometimes it's WAY hotter. Fucking ridiculous. Somebody needs to hand over control of the thermostat, because whoever is supposed to be in charge is mentally (and/or thermally) deficient.

Also, I am still taking questions for the "about me" list or whatever, so please keep sending them in. Anything you want to know about me or my super-hero alter ego. Seriously, I am not going to be able to write this without help.

What a useless post. Sorry.

God it's hot in here.

Videos, YouTube

2008-12-05T15:22:00.004-05:00

Holy shit you guys, I have been YouTubing so hard today... I so badly want to post another video right now, but I am definitely getting some quality Friday material.

There may even be a bonus Video session this weekend with some of what I found today. I am laughing my ass off right now; I have found some funny stuff today. It is just amazing what's on YouTube.

Keep the emails/comments coming for the 101 things list or whatever it is. Seriously, anything you want to know...

Friday Video Fun

2008-12-05T11:14:00.005-05:00

It's Friday!! And you know what that means: another lonely night of crying myself to sleep. But also, it's time for some video fun!

After dedicating yesterday to poop and public bathrooms (it had been a while, so I'm sure it wasn't totally unexpected, right?) I figured I'd up my street cred today and drop some gangsta flavor on all y'all. Well, kind of.

One piece of blog house keeping first though. It seems like a ton of people in the blogosphere have the nearly obligatory "101 things about me" post or section of their blogs. I obviously do not. Not yet. But I want to.

However, instead of doing a straight up list, I figured I'd make it a tad more interactive...

So, for the next week or so, I want everyone who wants to know something about me to post a comment or email me (ifyourfeetarentontheground@gmail.com) with something that they want to know about me, questions they want answered by me, a thought to ponder and pontificate on, etc. Whatever. Let me know what you want to know and I will oblige* by letting you know what I know you want to know about what I know. Or something.

I plan to post that list or "about me" thing in the next week or so. But I think it would be way more fun if the two or three people who actually read this (is there really anybody out there?) to send me stuff they actually want to know about me. Dig?

Good.

Then ask away.

No limit on questions (and by that I mean ask about anything and ask as many as you would like).

Okay now that that's out there, on to today's Video Fun. Oh, and also, it looks like Video Fun is the official name of this weekly segment now since no one (except me) complained about the name or offered any suggestions. I guess I'll just have to wear my helmet every Friday now when I make mention of the name.

This one is for all the Homies out there who may or may not be working in finance.

Word up, yo.

Have a great weekend.

*I totally reserve the right to puss out of anything I don't want to answer. But I will try and be as forthcoming as possible, really.

Ah, Push it, P-Push it Real Good

2008-12-04T13:19:00.010-05:00

What's with those people who make all sorts of grunting and stressful noises whilst taking an (apparently very arduous) dump in a public bathroom? I do not need to hear that, sir.

I'm not taking issue with the noises your ass makes. I mean that's gross, but sometimes people (not me, of course) can't control that noise. Sometimes your ass cheeks ripple and make noise when blasting a powerful dookie. It happens.

My problem is with all the "unnnggghhh" and "oohhhhhhh" and "mmmmmppphhhhh" coming from within the stalls as though someone is finishing a huge set of lifting weights or something. Like, "dude, you know I'm in here too right?" I mean the door is loud as fuck, I'm sure you must have heard me come in. There are even people talking over by the sinks - you know you aren't alone in here. Quiet the ef down, I don't need to hear you bursting blood vessels.

And who makes that much noise when taking a shit even if they are alone for that matter? If you have to push that hard for a turd to come out, maybe it's just not quite time yet. Wait a while, have a cup of coffee or something for Christ's sake.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? You're okay with pushing so hard you make grunting noises? You're not ashamed of your loud pooping habits? Well, you should be. That is just so unnecessary and frankly, it's gross.

And while we're at it, wash your fucking hands on the way out. At the very least pretend to wash them like Costanza does, if just for the sake of not seeming like a disease spreading grossaholic.

God forbid I run into you at the sinks when you're done. Because I am not afraid to give you a look that says, "you, sir, are repulsive."

Well, I would probably just think it sheepishly to myself, but we all know it's true.

Performance Anxiety Review

2008-12-04T10:08:00.003-05:00

My performance review is coming up (or is here) at work. And there are three things I have to fill out for the review: 1) My Job____ 2) About [Company]______ 3) Where I see myself in three years_______

I may have done something stupid. For the answer to number 3, I wrote:

3) Where I see myself in three years:

I see myself just having recorded and released my second multi-platinum country/gospel/reggae (a new genre I will call “recounspel”) album and being amazed at how much progress western medicine has made in the past two and a half years, leaving me healthy for at least a full year and not needing to see a doctor for anything. Or, more realistically, I see myself three years further along in my career, making more money and still enjoying what I do.

Is that bad?

Thanksgiving Nightmare Recap

2008-12-02T15:53:00.021-05:00

I so badly wanted to write something funny this week about poop or boobies (but not a combination of the two, yuck!) or bacon, but I have to give a recap about the Thanksgiving nightmare that went down this past weekend. I don't think I can get back to writing about anything else unless I get this out there first, so you'll have to just bear with me here. I have been debating about whether or not to even post this because: a) it makes my family sound horrible, and while they may be crazy they are mostly great; and b) because no matter how hard I try to explain what happened, I pretty much come off sounding like a dick.

Well, an even bigger dick than I normally do. Which is impressive.

I went to my sister’s house in Colorado for Thanksgiving and the whole dysfunctional family was there. I just wrote about it, so for the recap go here. I have to say, I think I jinxed myself this year by writing about the whole thing and by being so damn smug about how I was going to win the betting. This year backfired horribly.

Leaving Thursday morning was actually really easy. I expected to have to deal with major traffic and long lines at the airport so I left my apartment really early; like at 8am for a 10:30am flight. I am responsible like that and I plan ahead.

No I don't actually. But I am trying to grow up and this was how I could prove to myself that I am an adult.

There was absolutely no traffic and nobody at the airport (again, proving to myself how acting responsibly and/or like an adult is never a good thing). I was through security a full two hours before my flight – 30 minutes after leaving my house, which is also pretty impressive. I had to wait two hours for my flight, so I didn’t even bother going to my gate. I got some breakfast at the only “restaurant” at LaGuardia – a small buffet stand. I sat at the closest gate and slowly ate my oatmeal, drank some coffee and then got up and meandered to my gate. Just as I got there they were finishing the boarding for the 9:10am flight. I said, “I know the answer to this question is ‘no’ but is there any chance I can get on this flight standby right now? I am really early for my flight.”

So I got on a flight an hour and a half earlier than expected. Which was great. Thanks to all of you who sent the good travel vibes to me.

Unfortunately that was pretty much the highlight of the trip for me. Getting on an earlier flight.

Remember when I said that at my family’s Thanksgiving people are always getting into fights and/or crying? Well, apparently it was my turn this year.

Whoops!

Although, technically I didn’t cry or get involved in a fight (read: I wasn’t actually yelling at anyone) I was dragged into the most tense and awkward situation ever.

My old man picked me up from the airport in Denver with my soon-to-be-brother-in-law riding shotgun and on the ride back to my sister’s house my dad decided to bring up “the issue”.

Ugh…. The whole issue could be multiple posts by itself, but basically after finishing school and before I moved to New York, I was in Minneapolis for a few months doing a paid internship and subletting an apartment. My internship got extended for six weeks meaning more experience, and ultimately more money to move to NYC with. My sublet, however, did not get extended and my girlfriend and I had nowhere to live for six weeks (try finding an apartment for six weeks sometime, not a fun task). I asked my dad if we could stay at his gigantic house for the time being in one of the five (literally) empty bedrooms in his house. Being a family member and someone who cared about me and who understood my situation (poor and starting life post-college), he said no. So we were homeless, and he’s a dick.

That is such a brief summary of the whole deal it simply does not do it justice, but enough to help you understand that I was (in my opinion rightfully) pretty pissed and very hurt by the whole thing. Maybe someday I'll write about it, but honestly it just sucks and I'm trying to block it out.

But back to the original story. This was actually a short, civil and relatively uneventful conversation, but not the way I wanted to start my trip. He brought up the issue as soon as I got in the car and asked if I was “over it yet.” I said I was trying really hard to get over it, and I have been putting effort into rebuilding our relationship (which I really have), but I was bummed about it, and it wasn’t like flipping a switch for me; that I wasn’t pissed, but I hadn’t forgotten about it. He then told me the whole problem was that I was immature and I was the one responsible for ruining our (not even remotely ruined; damaged, but not ruined) relationship.

I reminded him that if he ever needed a place to stay, my house would always be open to him. And that, yes, I am immature; it probably has a lot to do with my upbringing.

The rest of the day went off without a hitch more or less. We had a nice dinner, tons of really good food, I spilled a bottle of wine on my Aunt's plate (they make those bottles so slippery nowadays), football, the whole shibang.

My sister, her fiancé, and I, of course, made bets this year. For Crying I took my brother; my sister bet on our sister in law; and my sister’s fiancé bet on my mom. For the Fight Bet I bet on my mom; my sister bet on my mom as well; and my sister’s fiancé bet on, well… ME.

Nobody cried on Thanksgiving, nobody got into a fight (I did slap my sister's fiancé in the face and he stabbed me in the chest with a fork, but it was all in good fun). It was a curiously mellow event. I think the decrease in alcohol consumption (myself not included) contributed to that. But the next day got a little hairy...

I have always been the one in my family that people turn to when there is a problem. I get called about this or that and generally need to offer advice, suggest a solution, course of action or a way for people to resolve it. Ever since the issue with my old man though I have taken a lesser role as peacemaker, since I was (am) the one with the issue. So in trying to smooth out an impending fight before it started on Friday evening, someone got mad at me. Which lead, somehow, to me getting labeled by my mom (the one trying to start said fight) as the one causing, “tension.” How I managed to upset anyone, I have no idea. I was very calm and simply suggested that maybe the two of them discuss "it" at another time, when they both wanted to talk about it. I literally was preemptively stopping a fight, calmly, which was dumb, because it would have lead to me winning the bet. But again I was trying to be an adult. And again I was reminded why I should never, ever act like one. It was also dumb because in trying to keep the peace, I pissed people (one person) off. I apparently have lost my role as the family mediator.

Great, stop calling me about every little problem.

A bit later I was schooling my sister's fiancé in Wii Bowling when my dad said we needed to leave immediately. As in now. Because a ten minute "hey-we're-in-the-same-ride" heads-up would just not have been appropriate. Then my dad left me at my sister’s house to go back to the hotel where all my stuff was.

(Thanks for continuing to not be a dick!)

When I got up on Saturday morning, in the basement of my sister’s house, I walked almost all the way up the stairs into the living room when I heard my mom and dad talking about how I was causing some sort of issue or tension that was so bad I maybe needed to leave. I honestly did nothing all weekend other than try to get people to mellow out, avoid getting heated about anything, watch football and slap my soon-to-be-brother-in-law in the face a few times. But apparently I was causing “tension” by not letting people fight with each other and expecting to get a ten minute heads up before I had to jump in the car and leave (I was winning a game, I mean come on). Like things weren’t tense enough.

Anyway, after hearing my parents talk about (basically) not wanting me there anymore, I got on the computer, changed my flight, and left for the airport.

I was pretty bummed. It was not a great feeling to feel like your folks (once again) don't even want you there, but things have been that way between us for a long time, even though we generally get along. My sister's fiancé and I talked about it on the way to the airport and he agreed it was pretty harsh for them to act like that. But, substantiation not withstanding, it was a long flight home.

The worst part about the whole thing? Yep, you know it. My soon-to-be-brother-in-law (sister’s fiancé, whatever) bet on me for the fight bet. This was his first year even competing! What a dick! So, while I didn’t yell, and I didn’t technically get in a “fight” or yell anything ultra-obscene, it was tense and awkward enough that I knew I had to pay up… I lost the fight bet - and I was the one who lost it for me.

Lame fucking Thanksgiving this year. Losing bets sucks.

Friday Video Fun - Special Holiday Edition

2008-11-28T19:35:00.008-05:00

My family is fucking crazy, I am ready to implode here with all these loud, crazy people around. I wanted to take a break from these crazies with whom I share a gene pool, so I started to watch some YouTube stuff and realized, "hey why not carry on the long standing, three-week tradition of Friday Video Fun?"

(Seriously, any suggestions on the name, before this one gets stuck? Is it too late already?)

There is a whole series of these on YouTube, they're called Drunk History. I am really nerdy and love to read about history and to learn things in general (which also makes me the smartest fucking person that you don't know.) So when someone emailed me one of these videos I was hooked - I think these are hysterical. This one is one is probably my favorite.

Enjoy.

Actually, fuck it. It's a holiday weekend. So let's make this a special edition of Friday Video Fun. Here is another from the series, one of my other favorites.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T22:01:00.004-05:00

Today is a special day where we remember and celebrate the arrival of Christopher Columbus at the White House and the feast with George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and the Native Americans. I hope you are celebrating today by eating until you get dizzy; which is how we celebrate now - to remember how the Indians felt when we gave them smallpox.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Tearfest

2008-11-26T21:48:00.007-05:00

Well folks, I am leaving early tomorrow morning to fly to my sister's house in Colorado for Thanksgiving. Which means - not that anyone will care or even notice - I won't be writing anything on here until at least Monday. Given how infrequently I've been posting on here in the past two weeks or so, with work and the face thing having me so busy and bleeding and whatnot, I doubt that will be a problem for any of you.

The good news is that when I do come back I should have something pretty interesting to write about. I guess there's a first time for everything.

Thanksgiving with my dysfunctional family is always, um... interesting to say the least. And by interesting I mean stressful and awkward. For the past few years both of my (divorced) parents have made it a habit to tell my sister she is hosting and then they both come to the "neutral ground" along with the rest of the family to celebrate as a family and to help us all remind ourselves and one another why we all live in different states; and why all of their kids left Minneapolis immediately after high school (and for those of you who don't already know, Minneapolis is cool as hell, it's probably my crazy parents that made us all leave in case that wasn't clear.)

For the past three years we have been doing Thanksgiving at my sister's place. Which for a number of reason is great: My sister is fucking awesome, so are my brothers, and even my parents, I get to see just about my whole family (although this year no older brother and fam, bummer) nephews, nieces and all, and I get to hang out with my parents for finite period of time. All good stuff.

While everyone has a tradition at holidays like this, my family's tradition is more fun than most. Every year at thanksgiving at least two people end up fighting with one another and consequently in tears - sobbing, I mean. Kind of crying is not what goes on here.

To make an uncomfortable and awkward situation even more fun my sister and I have, for the past two years, placed bets on who will be the first one to cry at the table. As well, we bet on who will be the first one to yell something horribly obscene at another family member.

This year we have some additional players: partner, aunt, cousin, and fiance all of whom should only add to the already fantastic tension. I can't wait. There might even be crying before the turkey is done cooking.

Which means I am totally gonna win some money from my sister this year. Hooray for dysfunction and gambling.

Everybody please send me some good travel vibes, I have to try and fight NYC/Long Island traffic to get to the airport tomorrow morning and then deal with flying out of a busy and already slow and super lame airport.

Have a great Turkey Thursday; eat until you're dizzy and take no prisoners!

Contagious Band-Aid Face

2008-11-25T01:21:00.009-05:00

Um, yeah, so those of you (or both of you) who read this blog may be aware that I had a tough week last week. I did, it's true. And it has to do with a few things, I think. First of all, I didn't see any boobies all week. I didn't see boobies until the weekend had technically started.

Strike one.

I also decided I needed to take a little break from drinking last week. I have been drinking a lot lately - as in I cashed three big bottles of vodka at home, solo, in two weeks; not including weekends (I know, I know, nice life dude) - and I felt like the best thing for my stomach would be to take a solid week off of the hooch. You see back in May I was diagnosed with several bleeding stomach ulcers. So the whole drinking thing is kind of... Well, I don't need to be drinking multiple liters of vodka per week. Let's just say that.

Oh, the ulcer thing? No big whoop. I had these weird pains that felt like hunger pangs or indigestion for a few weeks. Then they turned into a light stabbing pain for a few weeks, and for another three weeks or so I had severe, sharp stabbing pains for most of the day that would leave me doubled over, gritting my teeth and clutching my side for almost my entire waking day. What did the doctor say? Pffffftttt, what kind of self respecting man goes to a doctor for a little stomach cramp? Not me, that's who. Until five of my friends tried to pick me up off of my bed (where I was gripped with pain and holding my stomach with my teeth tightly clenched) and put me into a car to go to the emergency room.

In Brooklyn.

For a stomachache.

Needless to say, I did not go to the emergency room that day. I had to promise my friends that I'd to go to the doctor the very next day though. My physician happens to be a stomach specialist (that's a gastroenterologist for all you non-laypeople out there, since I'm sure there are at least a few doctors who read this), so he scoped it with a tiny camera snake and told me, "it looks like a war zone down there."

Sweet. Thanks doc. That's exactly the kind of reassuring statement I was looking for.

The ulcer was perhaps due to my mild (excessive), recreational (habitual), infrequent (daily) use (abuse) of alcohol (by the way, are you guys aware that drinking 6-10 beers a day and maybe more on weekends, constitutes drinking "a lot"? I know! I was just as shocked). Other contributing factors may have included drugs (check!), stress (girlfriend troubles were just starting around this time), and diet (I gained like 50 pounds in my first 6 months in NYC by eating Thai food and pizza everyday. Apparently fairly acidic foods. Who knew?).

But I got off topic a wee bit here. So, last week, riiiigggghhhtt...

In addition to not drinking all week (I picked the wrong week to stop drinking), I had a cyst spring up under my ear.

Strike two.

Jesus H this is getting to be like a medical history report, eh? Sorry, but this is my life right now.

For those of you who have never had a cyst right there on your face, it feels like a white hot poker searing into the soft, sensitive skin right where your face meets your ear, only with more pressure from the inside and even more painful than you are imagining it to be right now. Seriously. The little fucker went from non-existent to about the size of a softball (not really) in like a day. A Saturday. Remember how I said I wasn't into emergency rooms in Brooklyn? Yeah, well try and go see a doctor on a Sunday. I waited until Monday to see my doctor who had to cut the bastard cyst open to drain it (still hungry?). And believe it or not: That. Shit. Hurt.

A lot.

Strike three.

So Monday I dealt with that. By the time I made it home from my doc's office which is way uptown, I was very out of it from the pain killers (the sweet, sweet painkillers). I had like 40 emails to deal with and had to spend my afternoon working from home, trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about. Not so much.

Tuesday I was extremely busy after missing most of my day with the face-infection from hell; I played catch up and tried all day not to enjoy, er, eat any of the painkillers as I again needed to sound like I knew what the fuck I was talking about. Which is hard enough as it is when you can barely construct basic sentences in English. I made it through Tuesday only popping pills towards the end of my day. Fine. But now I hadn't been to the gym in a few days which Uncle Ebenezer doesn't feel good about doing (or not doing, as it were).

Meanwhile my jerk off roommate who works from home as a clothing reseller or some sketchy shit was in Brazil relaxing on the beach with his girlfriend, drinking coconut drinks and probably humping in the sand laughing about how lame it would be to have a cyst on your face and to not be on the beach in Brazil in November. Being the stand up guy that I am I said (before Hell Week started) that I would take care of processing, packaging and shipping some orders for him while he was away. So I had that to look forward to every night when I got home, swollen face and all. More work.

Wednesday I had an awesome surprise meeting with an agency I just started working with and instead of being the one or two dudes I thought I was meeting with, I got to meet an entire team of people and give (an impromptu) presentation that I didn't know I was giving. With a fucking bandage on my face.

Awesome.

Thursday. Oh man, Thursday was great. On Thursday I overslept - like WAY overslept and rolled into the office pretty (read: really) late. (I was in one of those funk moods too right from the giddy-up and it took me like a week to decide what to wear - sweater vest or no sweater vest? I went with the vest, this turned out to be a decision that would haunt me later.) Which isn't too abnormal for me, but I was LATE, late this day, my friends. About three minutes after I sat down at my desk I decided nope, no sweater vest (Indecision is going to be the name of the movie they make about me after my trial, conviction and imprisonment). In removing my stupid, green sweater vest that took me, no shit, fifteen minutes to decide whether or not to wear out of my house I pulled out the stitches in my face.

Let me repeat that. I pulled the stitches out of the extremely painful wound on my face with my sweater.

Awesome. I don't know about you, but I love bleeding at work and having people say, "oh man, are you okay? Are you sure? You're bleeding."

I gave up at that point. In addition to having an already overloaded week, full of business (ha - that was supposed to sound like 'busy-ness', I am so having a lexiconal epiphany right now, wow) and being overloaded with work I was fortunate enough to deal with the painful fucking cyst/open wound on my face, working through the day on or jonesing for painkillers (I still am by the way, so if you have some email me. I ran out), walking around with a swollen face and bandages/band-aid on my face (not in a cool way like Nelly either, more of an overlapping the bottom of the ear and onto the cheek kind of look - so not hot). As well, some shit kind of hit the fan at work at the end of the day on Thursday. (I'm not getting into work details on here because I already got fired from a job for going on TV and talking about humping that midget in the elevator at my old job.) Let's leave it at: Things went bad with business towards the end of the day.

I swear to you it was the closest I have ever been to actually crying at work. Ever. Horrible week. And it was only Thursday.

And still no drinking. Why I did that to myself, I have no idea.

Strikes four, fi- fuck it. Ballgame.

Friday wasn't actually that bad. We did a pot-luck thing for Thanksgiving at work; tons of food, relaxed kind of day, lots of desserts after not being in the gym all week. Solid day. I hit the gym after work (for only the second time in a week), went home, saw some boobies, watched a movie and went to bed pretty early. I stayed horizontal for most of the weekend. Seriously, I said I was going to sleep all weekend and forget my week and I did. Saturday I was horizontal on my great futon couch and watched college football all day. I did not even open the door of my apartment. The biggest distances I covered the entire day were from the bedroom to the couch, and from the couch to the bathroom. The most effort I put into my whole day was making myself breakfast (toast) and hitting the jump button on the remote to go back and forth from football games.

(Oh, did anyone see Oklahoma slap the pants off of Texas Tech? Wow. Why even bother leaving Lubbock guys?)

Sunday, my friend Joey made a big pot of sauce and homemade meatballs and we watched NFL all day and ate a great dinner to finish off the weekend. Something about Sunday and a big Italian meal just makes everything better, no? Plus, you know, Entourage on Sunday nights is always good.

This week is shaping up to be better so far. We got a short week, a holiday to look forward to and to be thankful for and all that shit, and more importantly my face is feeling much better. I am still dealing with the fallout from Thursday work-wise, but at this point I just want to find any resolution, and I think that will happen today.

This past week has helped to put things in perspective for me though. I am much more appreciative of not having four shitty days in a row - or for even just having one good day. The weekend was the most relaxing one I have had in a while, because I (successfully) tried to make it that way.

And most of all, I have learned to be much more careful when removing my sweater.

...That's what she said!

(I couldn't help myself )

Video Fun (or something)

2008-11-21T10:47:00.011-05:00

I know I've been absent all week and I'm sorry. This has been the toughest week I have had in a long, long time. Work is still busier than it should be (I tried so hard to think of a funny metaphor for things being busy or busier, and I just couldn't. I am so beat down from this week, ugh) and on top of that I have had some health issues (I'm fine. Well, as fine as I was before). I am so happy that this week is almost over. The last four nights I have cried myself to sleep rocking back and forth in the bathtub.

I will post next week, or even over the weekend and let you know about how terrible this week was and why, but right now I feel like I have taken a 5 day ass-whooping from this one. Because, well, I have. And that means right now I simply don't have the energy to do justice in relating just how terrible and terribly painful this week was. I want to erase it from my life. Like in Total Recall, when Arnold Schwarzenegger (I had to look up the spelling) takes a "mental vacation" and it goes horribly awry and he... Nevermind, sorry.

Wow. Whatever.

I posted a video last weekend, and I think I might make a habit of putting videos up on Fridays. Mostly because I just learned how to embed videos (like reporters in Iraq) and look how much space it takes up! We can call it Friday Video Fun or something slightly less retarded (where's my helmet?). I am taking suggestions now. Seriously, you can't do much worse than that.

Anyway, have a great weekend. I will leave you with this video of an epic fail as best man. This is best with the sound on, FYI.

I just want to know what this dude's speech was like after the ceremony. Or what his next, say, 15 years will be like every time he visits this couple and has to say hello to his buddy's wife.

(I would just love to see the look she gives him every time he walks in their house. Forever)

Enjoy your weekend, I hope next week gets better for everyone.

But mostly for me.

Somebody Loves Me

2008-11-16T21:01:00.034-05:00

Not too terribly long ago RB (Wicked Witch of the Web) tagged me with an award/meme thing of sorts. Now, I mentioned previously that she either was manipulated by me into thinking I am much more awesome than I actually am (I got another one!), or she is equally as immature as I am and has such tawdry and questionable taste that she actually does like this blog. Whatever the case may be, I am honored that she found me worthy of it and I would like to take this opportunity to say: I am way better than all of you who did not get the award.

Oh snap!

(I hate when people say that)

Before I get into the meme/award part of this I just want to mention Barack and Michelle Obama’s appearance on 60 Minutes the other night. Barack was, as usual, very candid. He was poignant and well spoken; he was humble and spoke with a sense of purpose about hitting the ground running when he takes office and starting to make the change happen. He touched on overturning some of Bush’s executive orders with executive orders of his own. He also mentioned he has been reading and trying to draw wisdom and inspiration from presidents like Lincoln and FDR (think Bush read much of either of those two?). This is an inspiring fellow who we should all still feel proud about electing President.

But what made an even bigger impression on me was the interaction between Barack and Michelle Obama. We've all seen Barack speak many times in the past two years, but I haven't seen a great deal of the two of them sitting together and interacting. They seem like such an amazing couple, such a strong couple. I would love to hang out with the two of them. First of all, she is a brilliant woman who seems as dedicated as her husband to truly affecting a positive change in the world. Everyone knows she is exceptionally intelligent, but in addition to being a strong, astute, smart and opinionated woman, she is also funny as hell. She was giving Barack a hard time and even sort of breaking his balls a little bit for fun. I think she is just great.

And now onto the award (I'm going with award here, it makes me feel like I accomplished something). The way it works is that I mention six blogs I like and six things I like.

I’ll start with the blogs.

1) Everything is Wrong With Me. This is the blog that started it all for me. It’s the first blog I ever read regularly and as far as I’m concerned, this is the funniest website on the whole damn interweb. If you don’t already read this blog, you should start now. I stumbled upon this blog when I trimmed my chest hair. I didn't shave it or anything weird (What? It's too late to not be weird?) I simply trimmed it when the hair from my chest began to tickle my chin. Well that shit itched like crazy for days after the manscaping debacle. I got nervous about what I had done to myself and Googled something like, "Chest hair trimmed, extremely itchy." This blog came up. I laughed so hard reading it that I almost cried.

2) Surviving Myself. A well-written, hilarious blog that is funny, judgmental and pretty blunt. He gets right down to the point: He is more awesomer than you. Good stuff.

3) Your Beard is Good. An anything but normal blog that is both hilarious and down for the cause. If that cause is being funny and/or donating money lately for every comment to help fight Leukemia.

4) Redacted. In just the past month alone this guy has written about math, Jean-Claude Van Damme, sex and bacon-wrapped steak. Plus it makes me laugh. A lot. I even LOL'ed in my pants the other day reading it. Go there. Now.

5) Cajun Boy in the City. A great blog about politics and tons of other random funny shit. As well, it gets updated like 5 times a day, so you can read it several times throughout your work day instead of doing whatever it is you should be doing.

6) A Blog of a Good Time. An absolutely ridiculous blog about all things fun. She is comical, convivial and back-slappingly hilarious. Plus, at least once a week you're guaranteed survival tips and some nonsense. However, she just kind of broke up with us because stupid grad school is taking too much time lately. Her triumphant return to regularly scheduled awesomeness is something we can all look forward to together now.

Honorable mentions go to all the blogs I have listed on my page (that's why they're there), they are all great, but I was only allowed to list 6 here.

Six things I like:

1) Music.

Music is one of my biggest passions in life. As some of you know, I spent many years of my life following Phish around the country and seeing live music almost every night, both Phish and other bands (in between Phish tours). I have since expanded my musical tastes, but nothing makes me feel like good music makes me feel. We all know that feeling that a song can invoke in you. And that feeling can be so dynamic - how hearing a song in a different place or time or context can create something really special inside of you or among you and other people. Music can be the soundtrack to your life, the support you need in tough times, and it can be the often unrecognized addition to a moment that makes that moment or the memory of it that much better.

Playing music is one of the few things that can make your brain shut off. In a good way. It is like meditation in that you become so in the moment, you stop thinking about all the stuff that normally clogs your thoughts. It's a way to really channel the moment and truly experience the moment for the now, for what it is. Another one of those things for me is skiing...

(How's that for a segueway?)

2) Skiing.

I grew up a skier. My uncle has lived in Taos, NM since before I was born and my family and I would spend a few weeks a year skiing there ever since I was born. Taos, by the way, is one of the steepest, most shredtastic mountains in the US. I started skiing there when I was two years old; as soon as I could walk, I could ski. I was a ski racer in Minneapolis when I was growing up, until I was a teenager and got too cool to continue to do so (there is something about wearing a one-piece, spandex GS racing suit when you're 15 that just doesn't scream to the world, "I'm cool and rebellious!").

In college in Portland, Oregon I worked in a ski shop and shredded the gnar at Mt. Hood, where I got my first sponsor. I moved from Portland to a tiny little ski town in Colorado and was an extreme skier/ski bum there for about 4 or 5 years before I got hurt, got fat and moved to NYC for a "real" job after finishing school. I would ski super gnarly terrain daily - steep, tight chutes, trees, and would spend as much time as possible throwing myself off of cliffs. There is something really cool about scaring yourself.

(See how much more you know about me after reading just those last two?)

3) Sleep.

Man do I love to sleep. If I could, I would sleep 16 hours a night and stay in bed until sometime between 10am-2pm everyday. I love that feeling of waking up in the morning (afternoon) and saying, "fuck it" and stretching out, pulling the covers up to my face and then staying in bed.

Conversely, I hate waking up. I am, however, sometimes willing to get up early for something really cool - like a backcountry ski tour, or for fresh powder, or for boobies. But I love to stay in bed and sleep, sleep, sleep. How can I be that tired all the time? I have no idea. Maybe I'm not. I just enjoy sleeping that much. I am actually going to take a nap right now. Well, no, I'm not, but I do love me some sleep.

4) Boobies.

Truth be told, I am a fan of a very nice ass as well, maybe even more so than boobies. I don't discriminate.

5) My friends.

You know how everyone says, "I have the best friends in the world"? Well, they don't. Because I do. My friends would gladly slap me just to see me cry and then laugh at me (what?). Most of my friends are those people I traveled around the country seeing music and partying with. Many of us live here now, in NYC, and we see each other a lot. But even for those of us who don't get to see each other much, when we do get to hang it's like we never missed a beat. We are all very close with one another and we are always there for one another - no matter what. More importantly, they are the funniest, most outlandish, wild, sarcastic, fun and utterly ridiculous motley crew of hooligans ever. They fucking rule.

6) Bacon.

Holy shit. I could eat bacon everyday for the rest of my life. Bacon is the essence of all things good and right in the world. I could add bacon to anything (bacon milkshakes anyone?). I think that bacon-wrapped anything is like adding an orgasm to a state of nirvana. I truly believe that bacon is made from magic. Not magical pigs, magic.

So there you have it - six blogs and six things I like. These lists were actually pretty difficult to put together. I could easily have come up with a less serious list that would have been less mature and more fun to read, but I felt like it was time to let you know a little bit about me (do you feel like you really know me now? I know, it's frightening for me too).

In listing those six blogs, I feel like I left out some really important people/blogs that I read everyday and that I love. So, if you feel like you should be on that list and you're not, well, you're probably right. Sorry. There are just so many great blogs out there that I went with the ones I have been reading for the longest amount of time. I still love you all.

I'm going to go make a bacon milkshake now.

A Little Video For You

2008-11-15T16:51:00.007-05:00

I just cannot get enough of this video.

I am kind of just laying around today, and after watching one of my current YouTube favorites again, I figured I should just go ahead share this with you.

It's a freestyle rap battle translated. I find myself thinking about or wondering if the guys doing the "translating" are freestyling as well. If so, I am extremely impressed with their lexicons and their skill in articulation. But I think they're reading the translations. But more than anything, I think this is just funny.

I hope you like it.

Enjoy.

I am a busy, busy guy these days

2008-11-14T14:27:00.005-05:00

You know what sucks?

When you're so busy you can't stop working for even a minute to do anything.

When you're so busy you have no time to read all those blogs you love to read.

When you're so busy you don't have time to check your personal email.

When you're so busy you don't have time to write a real blog entry.

When you're so busy you don't have time to eat lunch.

(I'm hungry)

When you're so busy that on Friday afternoon at 2:45pm you start to wish it was Wednesday so you could get done this week all that you need to get done before the week is over.

(I remember not that long ago when, on Wednesday, I was wishing it was Friday. Oh man!)

Wow, I can't believe I just said that. No, I am glad it's the weekend, but I gots lots to do get done here in the next few hours.

On a positive note, it is almost the weekend and I have no idea how this week just flew by like it did. I feel like it was Monday morning like 15 minutes ago.

Also, about the change in layout...

Damn people, nobody likes the new look? The clean, white layout? I was really starting to like the white look too (is that a racial comment? No way dude, I voted for Obama, it's cool).

Bottom line is: You may see some experimentation - like that one time in college with those frat guys - but this whole white thing is growing on me (that's what she said!).

So you may not.

Blog Layout Again

2008-11-13T21:35:00.005-05:00

Um, okay.

I am terribly, terribly indecisive (see this blog's title/header, it's true).

So for the new layout, I am willing to be patient and see what people think. Because, as I said, I just can't decide for myself.

So, what do you think? This one is called "minima lefty stretch". That sounds like a play that would get called in a football game, right? I think I'll leave it for at least a few days and let it soak in to see how I feel for sure. Or, well, how you feel.

Weigh in on it, please. I need your help (or at least your opinion).

Blog Layout

2008-11-13T20:43:00.004-05:00

A little blog housekeeping, if you will...

I think I'm going to change the layout of this here blog. The current layout has been nice and all, but it was sort of a starter layout. Kind of like how my first wife will be. Attractive at first, and super, super easy; but I need something a bit more sophisticated now.

I really didn't choose this one so much as it was the default background/color scheme/layout that appeared when I started this thing a few weeks ago. I am thinking of going with something a little bit more in your face. Like skulls and penises in the background (crossed penises instead of the crossbones). Or maybe something like a white background with a simple, clean layout or design.

With hidden, subliminal penises.

What is my problem? Grow up dude.

Sorry.

I thought about letting people vote on the new layout, but there are two problems with that. First, I don't think anybody really reads this thing - well maybe a couple people (and honestly I have no idea why) but the vote would really not be all that democratic. It would basically be me and one or two other people deciding on the new look (which, actually is fine with me you two. Let me know which one you like). Second, I simply am not patient enough to wait for people to see a new layout everyday or every other day and then wait again for everyone (all two people) to weigh in on the look.

So, to get to the point (I know, I already lost any chance at brevity here), I'll probably just change it tonight. And maybe again tomorrow or the next day if I don't love it.

So to the both of you out there: I hope you like the new look if and when it comes. And if not, well, just deal with it.

...Or actually, just tell me and we'll see what we can come up with together.

I've been busy; Random stuff

2008-11-13T10:32:00.001-05:00

I have been stupid busy at work lately. A couple of weeks ago the guy who was above me left here for a position at another company. Which means I kind of got promoted.

But not really.

But kind of.

I have more stuff to do now, more business, and I will (in all likelihood) make more money this year; but I technically don't have a different title (well, same title only now it has "senior" in front of it. And I'm not even that old).

Anyway, for the past couple of weeks, this week in particular, I have been pedal-to-the-metal, insane busy all day everyday. The kind of busy where I lift my head up for the first time and realize it's like 3:30pm and I haven't even stopped for lunch.

My point is: I am awesome and look how hard I work and let's discuss all the rewards I deserve for being so magnificent at my job.

Actually, my point is that I haven't posted anything in a few days, due to my ballbusting workload lately. So, sorry about that, I still love you.

A few random thoughts for today before I go back to surfing the Internet and talking to my coworkers about which superheroes are likely the most promiscuous and if male superheroes go bald when they get old or if their superpowers exempt them from male pattern baldness.

Or before I start dealing with clients again, whatever.

(For the record I think Captain America would be the most promiscuous superhero. But part of me also thinks he would be more likely to be a really dedicated and completely monogamous boyfriendy type of superhero. So maybe it's somebody more like The Flash, because he's a pretty cocky and at the same time suave kind of guy. But probably Captain America; he has that whole high school quarterback vibe going on, and he eventually revealed his identity, meaning there was some mystery surrounding him at one point on his rise to fame, but now chicks can totally look him up in the phonebook. For women it's a toss-up between Storm, of the X-Men and Wonder Woman. Why? Because, frankly, those are the only two female superheroes I know of and they are both really hot and I just like to think about them in that capacity.)

Um, sorry about that. On to those random items.

1) The Kings of Leon FUCKING RULE. Seriously, how did I not know about these guys already? I saw them on SNL last week (which was a repeat, but hilarious and I hadn't seen it when it aired originally) and was blown away. Now I can't get over them.

They are like Hansel, so hot right now.

2) Last Friday after work, I went to meet my kind-of-ex-kind-of-not-sure-what's-going-on-now-kind-of-hanging-out-again-ex-girlfriend (who may or may not read this, so awkward...) out for a glass of wine and some tapas. The place we went was nice, a sort of Mediterranean-themed wine and tapas restaurant; small, cozy, quiet. We got there on the early side of a Friday evening and during the second glass of wine they dimmed the lights and lit candles. It was a nice, intimate atmosphere in a very grown-up kind of place. Then, all of a sudden, the music changed from softish, mellow ambient sounds...

To Bone Thugs-n-Harmony's "Thuggish Ruggish Bone", the 1994 gangsta rap hit that cemented Bone Thugs-n-Harmony's street cred for life among audiences worldwide and put Cleveland, Ohio on the map of all things rap. I kid you not.

And that shit was loud too.

The saddest part was that when they cut it off - and believe me, they cut it off pretty quick, since it didn't quite harmonize with the vibe they were trying to create in this place. (See what I did there? Harmonize? Bone Thugs-n-Harmony? Yessss!) The sad part was that there was an audible sigh of like, "oh man, I haven't heard that jam since 1996, how you just gonna stop it like that."

Well, the sigh might just have been from the two of us, but I heard it.

3) Recently RB, at The Wicked Witch of the Web, bestowed upon me the great honor of awarding me some kind of, uh... Award. Clearly this is another example of my mediocrity being trumped by my stellar ability to manipulate people into thinking I am awesome. Or she just has very questionable taste and simultaneously enjoys proofreading/alerting me to my atrocious spelling mistakes (thanks, by the way!).

She did though, present me with this award/chain letter which leaves me responsible for telling you all about 6 blogs I like and 6 things I like. I'll get to that soon. As soon as I can think of 6 different things I like (because writing "boobies" over and over six times would just be immature).

And we all know how mature I am.

Hitting on women makes you a douchebag, right?

2008-11-09T20:35:00.019-05:00

I have never been one to approach random girls and hit on them. All of the significant girlfriends I have had in my life have either been introduced to me by friends or have been the one to initiate contact or conversation with me.

Yes, I am that awesome and really, really ridiculously good looking.

No. No I'm not. But anyway...

The other night my friend Joey and I were out his girlfriend's bar (where she waits/tends bar) watching football and drinking and these two guys came in and starting drooling over these two girls at the bar. They were acting so douchebaggy (its my word of the week, so deal with it), so cheesy, and just all over these poor girls. They saddled up behind their seats at the bar and looked, well, just douchie. They were trying so hard to look cool in front of these two women.

Now maybe these two girls (women, whatever) were out looking for guys to hit on them and they really enjoyed the whole scene. But maybe they were just out trying to have fun and talk to one another at a bar. Maybe they work with these guys and they all had planned to meet there and hang out while these two guys made their best attempt at getting crowned King of the Douchebags. But it looked like two pairs of strangers, two douchie guys and two hot girls.

By the way, if you guys are reading this, your crowns are available for pick up anytime.

But I digress.

I just am not one of those guys who can just slide up to a random lady at a bar and start gabbing away and try to bag her, because we all know the only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show (thanks Ron!) and I have muscles like a six-year-old girl. A really hairy, fat six-year-old girl. With no muscles.

I guess I have never considered myself witty enough or attractive enough to approach exceptionally attractive women at random - but let's face it, I am definitely witty enough! Oh!

No. No I'm not.

I just feel like women (women worth talking to anyway) are smart enough to see through that whole thing. Particularly in NYC, how many guys approach a cute girl or cute girls at a bar in one night? So many. Too many. Well, it looks like a lot anyway.

But do they care? Do women go out looking for that? Is that something they enjoy? Is that just all part of the game?

(That is a legitimate question; so if you are a female and have the answer, or any answers, please feel free to fill me in. I am so clueless)

Because if so, that whole 'the ones worth talking to are too smart to deal with it' thing is so out the window and I have been making that excuse for ever because, well, I am just a wimpy little introverted bitch who is afraid of women.

Well, wait. That's actually kind of true, I am afraid of women. They are so scary with their boobies and the power to say "no" to bad sex with overweight, hairy dudes. Fucking bitches.

I don't know. I just feel like you have to be so egotistical to approach a woman like that (or maybe you just have to be cool enough, which clearly I ain't). Maybe it's my wholesome Midwest upbringing (or the fact that thus far in life I haven't had to try that hard and have been blessed with really cool and unbelievably disproportionately hot girlfriends who have all tried harder than me to meet. Seriously, I am so awesome. You guys want to come over and look at pictures of me and talk about how awesome I am?) but I just feel like any woman worth meeting has to be above all very intelligent; but also super hot, funny, and willing to try anything sexually (read: have sex with me). Well, three out of four anyway.

And any girl who is smart enough to be fortunate enough to date me (and enjoy the 3-3.5 seconds of frustrating sex 2-9 times a day) has to be too smart to see through the whole 'getting hit on by a random dude at a bar' thing. Right?

Now, don't get me wrong. I have done it, I have hit on girls before, I am a guy after all. A dirty, sex-fiendy guy who cares more about getting... nevermind.

A few times in my life, mostly when I have been very, very, very drunk I have done it. I have indeed hit on some strangers at a bar or wherever (women, smartass... Well, mostly). But I normally can't bring myself to do it. I am just that classy.

No. No I'm not.

I am probably just too childish and afraid.

The few women I have met at a bar and ended up dating all initiated the conversation with me (again, how fucking much do I rule?). And I don't want it to seem like I don't meet people when I go out, because I am usually outgoing enough to talk to people I don't know, women even, and have a good time with new people. Often. Sometimes. Occassionally.

It's the intention that counts here people. That's what I'm getting at. Maybe I have too much integrity (ha, I made myself laugh there), but approaching a random woman with the intention of anything less than pure seems so sleazy to me.

And by pure, I mean with the intention of playing checkers together and having apple pie - maybe some soda and having her home by 8:30.

Am I the only guy who feels like this?

I know, I totally am. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Do I totally need to man up and do it every time I go out? Am I missing out on meeting some really cool people? Or do I just feel like I need to approach the randos because other guys do it? I know I am on a quest for ultimate douchebaggery and this could be an important step in that quest, but I have principles here.

No. No I don't.

Wow, I am such a pussy.

Mullets

2008-11-07T14:30:00.015-05:00

I was recently talking to my new friend Jossie over at Ramblings of a Semi-Literate Mind about mullets (seriously go read her blog, and then thank me for sending you there by buying me something she recommends). And I realized, not having touched on the subject here, I need to share something: I have a deep seeded obsession with mullets. A love affair perhaps. No, more like a very intense fascination. The strange way in which I am drawn to and enamored by this ungodly haircut is only trumped by just how fascinatedly interested I am in it.

Think about this for a second. Some hairstyles people have, they just have; either because their hair is straight or curly and/or they can only do a certain few things with said hair. Some people have hairstyles because they are going bald or because of a job, like how you always see clowns with a big red afro.

(Clowns, by the way, scare the bejesus out of me. I am crying right now just writing about clowns.)

But a mullet takes effort. Someone with a mullet went through a process of deciding he (or god forbid, she – oh ye of the “femullet” classification) wanted that look. He (we’ll just use “he” here or I might start crying again) actually thought, “You know what might look cool? Short hair in the front and long hair in the back. Yeah. Totally sweet/bitchin/kick ass. Gime a high five and another Miller Lite bro.”

This is a look that after deciding you want, you have to work hard to craft. To get that perfect blend of 80’s business and timeless douchbaggery is not easy – believe me, I have cut a few mullets into my own bouffant. As a goof, not for serious. C’mon. But more on that later.

And then the maintenance that goes into prepping your horrendous skullcover before you go anywhere. Aside from greasing your pervert moustache (which, let’s face it, most mullets have) you need to blow dry - but just the back! And then you need to generously apply volume-enhancing mousse to keep the coattails of your mullet firmly in place but still light and fluffy enough to able to be thrown over your shoulder whimsically with a flick of your neck. Freak.

I get it if it’s like 1985 and you play hockey or something. I mean, it was the eighties, everyone made mistakes (See: Members Only Jackets and the band Stryper). But now? A mullet?

These are also people who just want too much…

Who do you think you are? You think you can have it both ways? Business in the front and party in the rear? Really?

(Take, “party in the rear” out of context and whoa… Awesome, I know. And mature!).

Maybe it’s my science background, or the fact that I was really bored (or high) for a few years and had nothing better to do (or the ultra-maturity thing. Again) . But I spent the better part of my late teens and early twenties mullet hunting. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I killed and stuffed a bunch of real people who were unlucky enough to be rocking that haircut post-1995.

No, not really.

But I did take photos of many a mullet and kept a photo album of all the mullets I was able to capture on film. I still have the photo album, FYI.

My friends also participated and we had ourselves a nice little crew of mullet hunters. Bear in mind this was mostly back in the day when we were all following that wacky Phish band around the country, so we had the advantage of covering a ton of ground in a short period of time, and seeing some geographically diverse mullets quite often. Which is probably where the earliest forms of mullet classifications came from.

We would find mullets all over – liquor stores, concerts, malls, amusement parks, the south, Pedophiles Anonymous. Ok, I made the last one up – but only because I never went there, I bet that place is teeming with ultra-rad mullets. Seriously. And some sick moustaches too.

I just creeped myself out.

To get a quality photo of a mullet without them knowing was the key to successful mullet hunting. Most mullets are extraordinarily aggressive and can strike without much warning, blinding you with their hairspray before they attack and smothering you with their mullet hair. Icky. The trick was to find a mullet and get your friends to stand in front of or near the subject. Then you would pretend to snap a photo of your friends, but really the mullet would be the focus of the photograph. Clever right?

Well, we eventually took it up a notch when my friends had a party and we went on a mullet scavenger hunt at the Mall of America in Minneapolis (did I mention malls are great hunting grounds: food courts, As Seen On TV store, the stores where they sell those white trashy shirts with like Bugs Bunny and Marvin the Martian and shit, public bathrooms). There were prizes for best photo captured of a mullet, and there were even categories which I won’t go into detail about right now.

My team decided that to really come back with the best picture and win this competition, we would need to be IN the photo with the mullet. I mentioned most of these creatures are dangerous, remember? Well, being the brave team that we were, and me being the fucking outstandingly intelligent person that I am, we (more like, I) came up with a plan. I am still so proud of myself for this one.

We would approach the mullet and say, “Hey, I know this is weird, but we are all here in Minneapolis for a family reunion. And, well, we’re supposed to do this stupid scavenger hunt thing where we try and find people at random who look like members of our family. And, wouldn’t you know it – you look just like my Uncle Steve. Do you think we could get a picture with you?”

Well, guess who got a shitload of mullets to jump, willingly, smilingly into the photos with us? Yep, us.

Guess who won that mullet hunting competition?

Not us, actually. We weren’t the only ones with ideas of getting into the photos with the mullets, and one of the other teams had like a pro photographer or some shit. Whatever, it was still fun and I came away with some great pictures.

We got pictures of all kinds of mullets: Skullets (bald in front), femullets (female mullet), Kids with mullets (child abuse anyone?), Meximullets (Hispanic persuasion of mullets, also known as Mulletinos), Camaro mullets, Meth mullets, Nascar mullets. You name it. It was a very successful day for us even though we couldn’t pull out the win.

(I did have a close call though with one guy whose mullet was down to his ass, the Uber-Mullet class, and wrapped tightly with like 15 rubber bands. Amazing, I know, it looked like a tail coming out of his neck. He said no to the whole “can I take a picture with you” thing. I jumped next to him anyway and we snapped the picture. He looks very, very angry in the photo. But it was totally worth it, just for the thrill of a near death experience and being so close to an uber-mull at the same time.)

After years of mullet hunting semi-professionally and while I still had long hair but had decided to cut it, I thought I would sculpt myself a nice mullet for a while and see how it felt (in case you're wondering: really, really creepy). To really achieve a high level of mulletude, one cannot just hack away at his head fur in the mirror. No, I decided to bring in a professional.

Actually the “professional” was my roommate and he was begging me to let him be the one to cut it. But whatever.

We spent the better part of an afternoon sculpting the perfect mullet (oxymoron? You be the judge) and then shaving a killer handle bar moustache out of the beard I also had. It was a big day for hair removal, okay, I know. My friends took tons of pictures. They are hilarious - the pictures, not my lameass friends (losers) – the before and after shots are striking.

Well, the resulting “style” was more than I could bear for very long. But something did happen, and it only happened once. Ever. And it happened right after we finished the hair cutting, beard trimming and outfitting. I am not making this up...

A hot girl pulled up in front of our house to ask for directions to an intersection that I think my 3 year old nephew could find after a bong hit. My roommate (the perpetrator of the barbering) said, “Well, I don’t know where that is, but HE might.” At which point I proceeded to channel my inner douchebag, sleezeballiness and rely on the power of the mullet to talk to this looker. I leaned right into her window – mullet, moustache, sleeveless tye-dye shirt, gym shorts and all and lay it on her. Thick.

I flexed my muscles while pointing out directions, I threw my hair (mullet) over my shoulder a few times, I even asked her if she liked my “ponytail”. (I stole that from a mullet that referred to his mane as a ponytail.)

She laughed at me. Expectedly. But who is she to assume things about me and my luscious haircut/moustache combo? How did she know that’s not just how I look? I warned her that real mullets would not appreciate her laughing at them, laughing right in their face no less. And let her off with a stern warning and good story for her pals back at the “I’m directionally retarded home for women.”

The second mullet I wore was for Halloween several years later. It was essentially a repeat of the first (my hair had grown back out, and was again cut into a mullet. I added a variation of the handlebar moustache as well. See a pattern yet?). The difference this time was that I dressed in an old, green track suit and wore fake gold chains. I was “that guy” AKA “The Wad” for Halloween that year. Classic stuff. My girfriend at the time was so repulsed she could barely look at me, and wouldn't kiss me all night. Literally, it was awful. Not getting laid on Halloween when you're single, I get (welcome to this year. Zing! ), but when you go home and sleep in the same bed as your girlfriend who is dressed as Hot Pocahantas? Well that, my friends, is a recipe for some frustrated Blue Balls.

Anway, I figured I owed you guys a post about something near and dear to me, since the rest of this blog so far has been mostly about going to the bathroom and watching TV. I may or may not post pics, I’m not yet sure about how I feel about putting pictures of myself up here. Not than anyone reads this (or do they? Anyone there? I didn’t think so), but I am a frightening sight to see. If I put a picture of me on here, not to mention a picture of me with a goddamn mullet, it would scare people away and likely require several years of counseling if anyone looked directly at it.

So, next time you’re bored go to the mall/amusement park/public bathroom/trailer park and find some mullets to take your own photos of. But be careful, they do not like to be approached by humans.

Otherwise, get your friends to cut a mullet into your head while they take pictures of you.

Good luck and Godspeed.

Yes We Did

2008-11-05T10:56:00.011-05:00

Holy shit. We fucking did it.

Let me repeat that: We fucking did it.

Yes we can? More like, Yes we Did.

I am so happy about the way the election went last night. I was very, very nervous about McCain actually winning and having him as our president; and even more frightening was the thought of Palin as VP. But we pulled it off. No we didn’t actually. We didn’t just pull it off. We slapped that old man and his unqualified, moose hunting, psychopathic sidekick. McCain didn’t even get 200 electoral votes. Wow. Which made me wonder: What’s worse than getting beaten in a blow-out? Getting Baracked.

McCain got fucking Baracked last night.

I mean, seriously. We even won Virginia and Colorado, reliable GOP strongholds. (Not to mention Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania)

I have never felt such a sense of pride in American people. We stood up to the bullshit and voted into office a guy who (I sincerely believe) is genuine and believes what he says. I think he is that genuine, and I think he is going to go down as one of the best, most progressive, most unifying presidents ever. I really believe that he cares so much about this country and about making it better for all of us, even those who didn’t vote for him. He is going to unify the country, motivate people to work towards a brighter future and start us down a path that we’ve strayed far away from in the past eight years.

The past eight years with the Bush/Cheney regime have been so bad and have done such damage (I was going to say irreparable damage, but now I am hopeful we can undo some of it) to our country both domestically and internationally and to our country’s image, and in so many other areas that the feeling of relief and of pure hope and positivity with this new president elect is amazing. A breath of fresh air.

I am not even gonna lie about this: I cried like a baby last night after it sunk in and the fact hit me that Obama had won. During his acceptance speech in Grant Park, I was sobbing. Straight up sobbing.

I’ll leave you with Obama’s acceptance speech. Talk about a moving piece of oratorical wonderment. Whoa. If reading this doesn’t make you tear up just a little bit with pride or hope you are a cold, soulless, ice-hearted, son-of-a-bitch. Or you’re a terrorist. Or both, I suppose.

But seriously, read his speech below. And get excited for January 20th, 2009 when Barack Obama will be sworn in as the new President of the United States and things will really start to change for the better.

Good work people.

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It's the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he's fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation's next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. And while she's no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics - you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you've sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington - it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

I know you didn't do this just to win an election and I know you didn't do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime - two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor's bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers - in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House - a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, "We are not enemies, but friends...though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection." And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down - we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security - we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America - that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing - Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons - because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America - the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can. At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome." Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can.

Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America."

SNL

2008-11-02T21:08:00.016-05:00

If you had told me a few days ago that someone would come along that would completely decimate the generic sounds of, I don't know, say, Nickelback or Bush, with an even less appealing and more generic sound, I would not have believed it to be possible.

Then I saw Saturday Night Live this weekend.

Wow. David Cook.

You, sir, have managed to create a look, a band, and a sound that are seemingly composed of the most cliché, generic, and stereotypically douchebaggy elements found in the lamest of lame. If for nothing else, good work on that. You have done that as well as can be done and if that was your goal, way to go man.

David, you managed to get your initials on your guitar to look cheesy (and, yes, people like Stevie Ray Vaughn and Eric Clapton had their initials on their guitars. But David Cook is not in the same ballpark as SRV or Eric Clapton. Shit, he isn’t playing the same game), and a lead guitar player with sleevey tattoos who rips that one bad riff over and over until you want to karate chop yourself in the throat. You also managed to fill out the rest of the band full of guys who dress like the most wannabe, hipster/indie kids possible to play songs that are (hopefully) written by guys in a boardroom. (If those songs are yours, then, um… well, bummer dude).

The whole thing is unfortunate because this guy actually has a good voice and could wail on some cool shit. Seriously. Probably. But the stuff he played on SNL tonight made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Or maybe it was the three-day birthday/Halloween bender I went on that began it’s wind-down stage during SNL.

But probably the music.

Are all American Idol winners on this same path? Playing lame-o, generic, shitty music that seems pre-fabricated for an undiscerning pop audience? Who are the other winners and what are they doing now? Seriously, I don't really watch the show, what are they up to?

(He won, right? The other guy totally should’ve won – the kid who sang the John Lennon song? Amazing. And I don’t watch the show very often at all. But I did see that kid absolutely shred “Imagine”)

I also want to point out that after a long, long hiatus from coolness and funniness SNL has been on fire lately. I’m not sure if you’ve been watching much of it recently, but they have been just slaying it. The fake news and a bunch of the Digital Shorts (Andy Samberg is a fucking comic genius) in particular have been great.

Mark Walberg talks to animals? Ridiculous.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin? Ha! I would actually vote for Tina. Not so much for Sarah P. Even though shooting animals from helicopters is just the sort of reckless behavior I would expect and generally encourage from someone more skilled than me at leading the world (which she isn’t) I have alcoholic friends who are more prepared for the Vice Presidency than she is.

Andy Samberg as Ras Trent? I peed on myself after the 400^th time I watched this. I think I did Phish tour AND went to college with that guy.

The Weekend Update (fake news) with Seth and Amy? Really? I realize that they’re in a banner year for material with the election and all, but they are doing a great job of making it funnier than it has been for a while.

Uh, Giraffes? This song was hilarious and it was actually BETTER than the David Cook stuff.

I also want to point out that John McCain was on SNL tonight and was pretty damn funny. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t vote for the guy. But thank god he hasn’t made a public appearance (other than that roast) that has been half as funny or as real as his SNL stint tonight or he may not be the underdog in this election. At least his moment of being a real, funny-type guy at the roast wasn’t watched by anyone who hadn’t already decided who they were going to vote for. McCain tonight was funny; he made fun of himself and was apparently pretty cool with this. That being said, vote for Obama on Tuesday. Or else. That’s real. We will all be totally fucked with McSame/Palin in the White House.

In summary, SNL rules lately, David Cook is a douchebag, and McCain is still a douchebag, but slightly less of one (in my opinion) than he was a yesterday.

Say hi to your mutha for me.

Halloweenies

2008-10-31T13:02:00.013-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday. We ended up going out to dinner after all at one of my favorite spots, Noodle Pudding. there were 8 of us in all and we had a great time. I am nursing a bit of a hangover today resulting from the mandatory 19 bottles of birthday dinner wine. But...

Today is Halloween.

Or as I like to call it "everyone gets drunk and chicks dress up really slutty" night.

I love this night. A whole night where women dress up as slutty everythings - slutty nurses, slutty teachers, slutty ghostbusters (yes, I've seen it), whatever - well that just rules. Which leads me to point out something I feel obligated to address that bothers me to no end.

Why on earth does it happen every year that, around this time, when girls are getting geared up to get dressed up even sluttier than normal and go out and actually act slutty, people start asking, "how come all the girls dress up so slutty every year? What's that about?"

Dude, what in the Fucking Christ is wrong with you people? Why in the name of all that is holy would you want to send some girl, who is planning to show me her tatas all night, questioning why she would do such a thing? I mean, what if when you ask, she starts to think about it? (we all know how dangerous women who think can be) And what if, god forbid, she thinks about it hard enough to decide she doesn't want to dress up slutty because the urge to dress slutty is only really about an issue with her low self-esteem related to her childhood issues with her dad and also that one time in college with that one guy and that maybe now she doesn't even think she wants to come home with me and listen to Air Supply or Lionel Richie (seriously baby, I have scented candles too) after the Halloween party?

Why?

Why would you do that?

Can't you leave well enough alone and just go with it?

We are talking about potentially seeing boobies and short skirts here. Those things are good. There is a (slutty) balance in the force. Do not upset this balance or you will suffer the furious wrath of my ninja fists to your neck. You've been warned. Enough with the questions.

Is my bathroom on planet Jewpiter or something?

2008-10-28T11:33:00.009-04:00

The bathroom in my office is shared by the whole floor. As I was leaving a minute ago, I opened the door and standing right in front of the door - not in the hallway near the door, but right in front of the freaking door, like less than a foot from the doorway - was a whole family of Orthodox Jews facing me. I mean yamikas, curly sideburns and all. Jewbacca beard with his wife and kids... the whole dang tribe.

Just standing in front of the door.

Nobody was reaching for the knob, nobody tried to walk in when I opened the door, they clearly weren't waiting to go in (which would've been weird too, a wife and daughter heading into a filthy men's room). They were just standing there looking at me like I did something (which I did, it was gross but made me feel better thank you very much). I didn't know how to react, so I kind of flinched.

Weird.

I don't want you to think I have anything against the Jews. I am, in fact, one of the chosen ones myself (so maybe I do...). But I just thought the whole scene was so odd.

Birthday Asshole

2008-10-27T22:40:00.008-04:00

My birthday is this Thursday (I know, I know, I'm excited too). I was planning to have some friends join me for dinner at one my favorite restaurants in the city. Most of the friends I invited bailed for one reason or another, which is lame, but I understand that some people have to work late or have things they can't miss and that some people are strapped for cash (apparently there is some issue with the economy or something. Fucking cheapskates). But in our group of friends we do that for birthdays. We all go out to eat somewhere nice. Not extremely fancy or crazy expensive, but somewhere fun and with good food. Today, after having almost none of the people I invited by email over a week ago respond, I wrote to the non-responders and they all said they couldn't make it. No one wrote back to say that they couldn't make it when the initial email went out a week ago though.

Today I was texting with one of my close friends about my plans for my birthday and about how we haven't seen one another in a couple of weeks. I told her I had been having a rough go at life lately, and have been kind of down in general (probably more on this at some point, long story). Then I jokingly ended one text by saying that everyone bailed on dinner (including her). She suggested I host a pot luck dinner at my apartment for the night. She wrote, "why don't we potluck at your place. I'm off all day Thursday, I'll prep your place and have it ready for when you get home... It's easy for everyone to meet and there is no financial pressure."

Actually not a bad idea. Which is what I wrote back and said I would get back and let her know what was going on.

And I'll be the first one to say that it was nice of her to offer to prep my place for it. I appreciate that for sure. But I have had an expectation of what I want to do that night for a few weeks - where I want to go and who I want to be there with me to celebrate.

Then I got this text back:

"And how do you say no to a potluck, that just makes you an asshole"

Wow.

Um, first of all, I didn't say no, I said it wasn't a bad idea. As in, that's a good idea. A fine job of idea-ing you've done there. And while the thought of cleaning my apartment before and after I have a bunch of people over sounds great and all, I honestly just didn't feel like planning a pot luck on a Monday night after a really long and very busy day at work. I didn't feel like putting effort into writing another email to all the people who never responded to the first one and see if they wanted to come to a pot luck. I needed to think about it. I needed to think about whether or not for my birthday I was willing to change what I have been expecting to do and looking forward to doing. Yes, I would rather see more of my friends that night. But a lot of people said they couldn't make it because of work or other unmissable miscellanea - she was actually the only one to say she was too poor to make it to dinner. I understand being too poor to make it to a dinner that might end up costing more money than you can afford to spend. I have been there. Fine, I get it, come have a drink afterwards then.

I really want to have dinner out somewhere. I haven't been out to eat at a nice place for a while and it's my fucking birthday. So what if I want to go out to eat and NOT sit in my apartment?

Second of all, now I'm an asshole?

Hey, thanks a lot for calling me an asshole right after I got done telling you I've had really rough couple of months. Thanks for letting me know that because you're broke and I have had an idea of what I want to do on my birthday for quite a while, that when I don't jump on the pot luck idea right away I'm an "asshole."

Awesome.

Thanks for making me feel better. Really, thanks for that one. On the day when all my close friends (pretty much, but not everyone) decide it's not worth it to go out to eat for my birthday, I find out that I'm an asshole for not doing what you want to do that night. You're really sweet, thanks.

A little update

2008-10-26T17:20:00.004-04:00

Okay, so I made it outside today for a bit. I took Macy (the dog I'm watching this weekend) to the dog run in Washington Square Park for about a half hour or so. In combination with the walk around the village on the way to the park, I was out for nearly an hour today in between the first and second football games. So I guess I'm working with the weather this weekend. And seriously, it is a BEAUTIFUL October day here.

Also, hey Brett Favre could you throw ANOTHER interception today? I mean, the Chiefs had three picks all year coming into the game today in NY. They picked off Favre three times today. I realize the Jets won the game, but three picks against one of the worst defenses in the league? Really? Two of them looked like they were thrown to Chiefs players intentionally. Ugly, ugly stuff.

And just so we're clear - I am not a Jets fan. I am a Vikings fan, but the Jets were on TV today and it actually was a close game.

This may be a good opportunity to explain a little bit about myself and tell you about how I'm from Minnesota, and the path I took from there to here. But there is still football on, so I'll post more about me later on when I can do justice to the incredible story that is my life. I know, I know, the anticipation must be killing you (and by you, I mean no one, since no one reads this... yet). Hold your breath and wait for it.

Weekend Weather

2008-10-26T14:48:00.013-04:00

I have a pretty busy week coming up at work. I really want to enjoy the weekend, to savor it, to genuinely feel like I got the most out of it when I get back to work on Monday, you know? Not just this weekend, but weekends in general. Ideally, I would like one day to veg out, and do nothing but sleep, watch sports and be disgustingly, embarrassingly lazy (like I have to try...)while I get less intelligent and more fat. The other day I would like to get out and do something to make me feel like I am actually "enjoying" the weekend, since apparently doing nothing makes me feel like I didn't enjoy it. Stupid socialization.

Sunday is clearly the best day for laying around and soaking in all the extra calories along with the laziness and sports; obviously because of football, which I don't much like to miss anymore. This leaves Saturday as the day for getting out and doing something outside, or at least getting out of the house in some capacity.

This weekend the weather is just not cooperating.

Yesterday (Saturday) it was so nasty outside that the dog I am babysitting (dogsitting?) this weekend didn't even want to go for a walk (actually we went outside for a walk and the look she gave me as soon as we hit the pavement was hilarious. She may as well have said in English, "Um, are you fucking kidding me? I am not hanging out out here in this weather. Get real dude."). It was ultra-windy and wet; it was raining so hard I had to change clothes and dry my shoes out after making it only to the corner and back. Just like the time I wet my pants on the ski lift. Or the time I wet my pants after I had passed out sitting up on my couch with a beer in my hand... A few months ago. And the time I wet my pants at my college graduation. On stage. I made that one up.

Today, Sunday, is beautiful though. It's about 65 degrees and sunny, no wind to speak of and all around just a wonderfully nice fall day in NYC. But there is football on TV today - good football too (I mean Giants vs Steelers, Indy vs Tennessee, Arizona vs Carolina, SD vs NO. C'mon!). Now, all day yesterday there were really only a few college football games on that I was particularly interested in watching, except for the Ohio State/Penn State game which, along with the World Series, didn't even start until relatively late. So all day I was stuck inside and bored off my ass with really no sports to watch (although the Golden Gophers did beat Purdue yesterday morning!) or anything to do all by my lonesome, since I don't actually have any friends. And going outside wasn't even an option.

All I ask is for the forces that be to correct this weather issue in the future, so that if it is going to be really nice one day and so shitty as to keep me prisoner inside on the other day, that the nice day be Saturday and the shitty day be Sunday. That way I can get out and enjoy the day on Saturday and sit inside watching TV all day Sunday without feeling guilty and without missing any football. Is that too much to ask?

Actually, yes, it is. I know. But let me kvetch about it this one time, okay?

Splogged

2008-10-25T13:48:00.002-04:00

My blog was recently locked because it was flagged as a potential spam blog. Now, I really dislike spam and I understand the need for real person to filter out spam from the world in general (and actually I rather appreciate that they have a real person, so they say, going over it to help filter the spam thereby lessening the amount of spam out there) but what does it say about how I write, or what I wrote, that it got noticed and flagged as spam?

Is it possible that I am as ubiquitously generic and frightening as actual SPAM?

(Did you follow that link? How creepy is their website?)

Other people are afraid of that stuff right? I've personally never been able to bring myself to try it - and I will try just about anything. There is something about that gelatinous, fleshy colored, gooey, semi-meat product that makes me afraid. Not disgusted. Not grossed out. Afraid. I'm scared of it.

Yikes.

Back to the spam, spam though. Like I wrote before, part of the point of this blog jammy is to find (or to develop) a better writing style. But damn dude, I am off to a pretty rough start when a website flags my only post as seemingly generated by a robot. I have to assume that in order to filter those spam blogs out of the system they have a program or something that scans the new blogs and looks for the most common patterns of spammers or writings generated by either scammers, spammers or computers. And, um, yeah mine got noticed in that filtering program right out of the starting gate. How generic is the shit I wrote? I mean, really? I officially got my mellow harshed.

(On the bright side, I guess it can only get better from here)

Oh, and not that anybody reads this (except for me and maybe the person who has to review this and determine if it's spam or real. Hi there!), but today is my brother's birthday. Happy birthday Sam.

The First One...

2008-10-23T16:31:00.002-04:00

So, I’ve decided to start a blog. I am doing it for a few reasons. First, I think it’ll help me to sort out and organize my incredibly disconnected thoughts, ideas and nonsensical ramblings inside my own head. It’ll help me to develop a better writing style (I hope). Since I like to write, this could prove useful in some career capacity (doubtful). Also, when you learn how to read and write at age 27, you any way to practice is good. But most useful could be the chronological log of these writings for the eventual use in my criminal trial and or committal to an asylum or some sort of institution.

You should know that I am unorganized, immature, and incredibly indecisive. And I love you.