Ah, Push it, P-Push it Real Good

What's with those people who make all sorts of grunting and stressful noises whilst taking an (apparently very arduous) dump in a public bathroom? I do not need to hear that, sir.

I'm not taking issue with the noises your ass makes. I mean that's gross, but sometimes people (not me, of course) can't control that noise. Sometimes your ass cheeks ripple and make noise when blasting a powerful dookie. It happens.

My problem is with all the "unnnggghhh" and "oohhhhhhh" and "mmmmmppphhhhh" coming from within the stalls as though someone is finishing a huge set of lifting weights or something. Like, "dude, you know I'm in here too right?" I mean the door is loud as fuck, I'm sure you must have heard me come in. There are even people talking over by the sinks - you know you aren't alone in here. Quiet the ef down, I don't need to hear you bursting blood vessels.

And who makes that much noise when taking a shit even if they are alone for that matter? If you have to push that hard for a turd to come out, maybe it's just not quite time yet. Wait a while, have a cup of coffee or something for Christ's sake.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? You're okay with pushing so hard you make grunting noises? You're not ashamed of your loud pooping habits? Well, you should be. That is just so unnecessary and frankly, it's gross.

And while we're at it, wash your fucking hands on the way out. At the very least pretend to wash them like Costanza does, if just for the sake of not seeming like a disease spreading grossaholic.

God forbid I run into you at the sinks when you're done. Because I am not afraid to give you a look that says, "you, sir, are repulsive."

Well, I would probably just think it sheepishly to myself, but we all know it's true.