The Dude Abides

I am sorry I haven't been writing at all lately. I feel like my world has been turned upside down or something. I am not sure what to do at this point and aside from being insanely busy with the new role at work, I am simply feeling left without any inspiration or unique (or funny) thoughts at all.

I need to stop writing posts saying I haven't been writing and apologizing for being absent, but I really do feel like I am abandoning friends of mine (you, of course!). So, I will make a bigger effort to start writing more.

Seriously, I will. We're still cool, right?

I am kind of worried at this point that I won't get back on track and start thinking like myself again. Then again, I am optimistic that this might be the kind of realization period I need to go through to "find myself" again.

(I can't believe I just said I need to "find myself", ugh... But I really am feeling lost inside my own head lately)

Ever since my friend died a few weeks ago, I have really started to think about what I am doing in my life, what direction I'm headed in and what direction I want to be headed in (and about him, a lot, which has been really, really tough). Pretty much since then I have either been on a sickening, hair-twisting bender or thinking deeply about life and stuff. The weirdest part? He would be a great person to turn to right now and while he would totally make fun of me for asking, he would surely give me some solid, borderline prophetic advice about what to do (probably something like: Shut the fuck up and let's go ski).

I touched on it in my last post, which was forever ago (again, sorry for being a dick, I still love you) and I got some solid advice from you all, thanks. Most of the (really kind and insightful) words were pretty logical thoughts - essentially to find that direction or passion inside myself and (ready for another sick cliché) to follow my dreams. And also it seems that a lot of people are in the same boat, which makes me feel better for not being a spoiled, crazy fucktard.

Misery loves company.

I am on a role with the stale clichés today, huh?

The problem is, I have no fucking clue what my dreams even are. I don't know who I want to be or what I want to do.

And at this point, I am working (admittedly a super awesome job as far as jobs go) a job I'm not sure that I love (I do actually really like my job most of the time). I definitely do not dislike my job at all; it's great for the most part. I just don't like to work - or maybe I don't like to feel like I am trapped doing the thing that everyone is "supposed" to do.

I don't know.

What I do know is that I am working at a job I don't have an insane passion for right now. Well, actually I kind of do but I just feel like I have no passion for anything right now, which is probably a more realistic assessment of the situation; I'm kind of numb lately. And all that keeps happening is people telling me how great I am at this job and me getting promoted. So, I am probably doing something right.

Or I am just that innately awesome and everything I do is so far superior to everyone else's work- I can't even finish that, it's simply so untrue it hurts to type it.

Either way, what I am doing right now in my life (or with my life, whatever...) is fine. But that's just it - it's fine with small flashes of greatness every now and then. I know I am destined for something amazing and so ultra-super-duper-party-patrol-fucking rad that right now I feel like I may just be wasting time trying to figure out what it is. But (and here's the real headfucker) what if this is a necessary step to figuring out what I want to do? What if this is what I need to be doing right now to find myself.

(Really? Twice in one post? Wow.)

I just don't get how so many people can be (or at least seem to be) happy doing what they do when it looks to me like they (we) are all doing the same damn thing.

I don't even know where I am going with all this. I need to figure out what the F I want to do. Or not. Maybe I just need to be content with what I am doing for the time being. But that's how people get stuck running the race, getting caught in the rut - the work, marriage, kids, gross/old rut.

Am I running out of time or am I laying the groundwork for some sort of elevation of consciousness or at least some frame of mind where I can think somewhat objectively about who I am and which direction to start heading in? Because at this point, I am turning around in circles treading water with my eyes closed.

[Ed Note: The spacing is all weird, I know. But no matter how many times I edit it and try to fix it the edits won't stick and nothing changes. So, sorry if it looks sloppy and oddly spaced - it's Blogger not me.]