Hitting on women makes you a douchebag, right?

I have never been one to approach random girls and hit on them. All of the significant girlfriends I have had in my life have either been introduced to me by friends or have been the one to initiate contact or conversation with me.

Yes, I am that awesome and really, really ridiculously good looking.

No. No I'm not. But anyway...

The other night my friend Joey and I were out his girlfriend's bar (where she waits/tends bar) watching football and drinking and these two guys came in and starting drooling over these two girls at the bar. They were acting so douchebaggy (its my word of the week, so deal with it), so cheesy, and just all over these poor girls. They saddled up behind their seats at the bar and looked, well, just douchie. They were trying so hard to look cool in front of these two women.

Now maybe these two girls (women, whatever) were out looking for guys to hit on them and they really enjoyed the whole scene. But maybe they were just out trying to have fun and talk to one another at a bar. Maybe they work with these guys and they all had planned to meet there and hang out while these two guys made their best attempt at getting crowned King of the Douchebags. But it looked like two pairs of strangers, two douchie guys and two hot girls.

By the way, if you guys are reading this, your crowns are available for pick up anytime.

But I digress.

I just am not one of those guys who can just slide up to a random lady at a bar and start gabbing away and try to bag her, because we all know the only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show (thanks Ron!) and I have muscles like a six-year-old girl. A really hairy, fat six-year-old girl. With no muscles.

I guess I have never considered myself witty enough or attractive enough to approach exceptionally attractive women at random - but let's face it, I am definitely witty enough! Oh!

No. No I'm not.

I just feel like women (women worth talking to anyway) are smart enough to see through that whole thing. Particularly in NYC, how many guys approach a cute girl or cute girls at a bar in one night? So many. Too many. Well, it looks like a lot anyway.

But do they care? Do women go out looking for that? Is that something they enjoy? Is that just all part of the game?

(That is a legitimate question; so if you are a female and have the answer, or any answers, please feel free to fill me in. I am so clueless)

Because if so, that whole 'the ones worth talking to are too smart to deal with it' thing is so out the window and I have been making that excuse for ever because, well, I am just a wimpy little introverted bitch who is afraid of women.

Well, wait. That's actually kind of true, I am afraid of women. They are so scary with their boobies and the power to say "no" to bad sex with overweight, hairy dudes. Fucking bitches.

I don't know. I just feel like you have to be so egotistical to approach a woman like that (or maybe you just have to be cool enough, which clearly I ain't). Maybe it's my wholesome Midwest upbringing (or the fact that thus far in life I haven't had to try that hard and have been blessed with really cool and unbelievably disproportionately hot girlfriends who have all tried harder than me to meet. Seriously, I am so awesome. You guys want to come over and look at pictures of me and talk about how awesome I am?) but I just feel like any woman worth meeting has to be above all very intelligent; but also super hot, funny, and willing to try anything sexually (read: have sex with me). Well, three out of four anyway.

And any girl who is smart enough to be fortunate enough to date me (and enjoy the 3-3.5 seconds of frustrating sex 2-9 times a day) has to be too smart to see through the whole 'getting hit on by a random dude at a bar' thing. Right?

Now, don't get me wrong. I have done it, I have hit on girls before, I am a guy after all. A dirty, sex-fiendy guy who cares more about getting... nevermind.

A few times in my life, mostly when I have been very, very, very drunk I have done it. I have indeed hit on some strangers at a bar or wherever (women, smartass... Well, mostly). But I normally can't bring myself to do it. I am just that classy.

No. No I'm not.

I am probably just too childish and afraid.

The few women I have met at a bar and ended up dating all initiated the conversation with me (again, how fucking much do I rule?). And I don't want it to seem like I don't meet people when I go out, because I am usually outgoing enough to talk to people I don't know, women even, and have a good time with new people. Often. Sometimes. Occassionally.

It's the intention that counts here people. That's what I'm getting at. Maybe I have too much integrity (ha, I made myself laugh there), but approaching a random woman with the intention of anything less than pure seems so sleazy to me.

And by pure, I mean with the intention of playing checkers together and having apple pie - maybe some soda and having her home by 8:30.

Am I the only guy who feels like this?

I know, I totally am. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Do I totally need to man up and do it every time I go out? Am I missing out on meeting some really cool people? Or do I just feel like I need to approach the randos because other guys do it? I know I am on a quest for ultimate douchebaggery and this could be an important step in that quest, but I have principles here.

No. No I don't.

Wow, I am such a pussy.

Halloweenies

Yesterday was my birthday. We ended up going out to dinner after all at one of my favorite spots, Noodle Pudding. there were 8 of us in all and we had a great time. I am nursing a bit of a hangover today resulting from the mandatory 19 bottles of birthday dinner wine. But...


Today is Halloween.


Or as I like to call it "everyone gets drunk and chicks dress up really slutty" night.


I love this night. A whole night where women dress up as slutty everythings - slutty nurses, slutty teachers, slutty ghostbusters (yes, I've seen it), whatever - well that just rules. Which leads me to point out something I feel obligated to address that bothers me to no end.

Why on earth does it happen every year that, around this time, when girls are getting geared up to get dressed up even sluttier than normal and go out and actually act slutty, people start asking, "how come all the girls dress up so slutty every year? What's that about?"

Dude, what in the Fucking Christ is wrong with you people? Why in the name of all that is holy would you want to send some girl, who is planning to show me her tatas all night, questioning why she would do such a thing? I mean, what if when you ask, she starts to think about it? (we all know how dangerous women who think can be) And what if, god forbid, she thinks about it hard enough to decide she doesn't want to dress up slutty because the urge to dress slutty is only really about an issue with her low self-esteem related to her childhood issues with her dad and also that one time in college with that one guy and that maybe now she doesn't even think she wants to come home with me and listen to Air Supply or Lionel Richie (seriously baby, I have scented candles too) after the Halloween party?


Why?


Why would you do that?


Can't you leave well enough alone and just go with it?


We are talking about potentially seeing boobies and short skirts here. Those things are good. There is a (slutty) balance in the force. Do not upset this balance or you will suffer the furious wrath of my ninja fists to your neck. You've been warned. Enough with the questions.