Awwwwww shneezy, that's right - it's time for some Video Fun. I mentioned last week that I had been vibing YouTube pretty hard, and the decision about what to put up today was tough because I've saved a few gems for this here weekly segment of video love for you.
I am sticking with the musical theme this week because, well, I find that stuff to be funny and it's my blog and I can do what I want (unless you want me to change something. Seriously, anything you want. I would do anything to make you happy).
I added an extra video this week too, because these kids too rad to ignore. This is a band called the McLovins. these kids are like 15 years old and they met at Jazz Camp (this one time at...). Now, you know I did Phish tour for a bunch of years (you did know that right?), and I love that wacky Phish band (and music in general). So I am posting this bonus video for two reasons: These kids absolutely SHRED and they are shredding a Phish song here. Plus, how often do you get to post a video on the internet of fifteen year old boys and not end up on To Catch a Predator? Um... nevermind.
Seriously, 15 years old and wailing that hard on a guitar is just effing amazing.
I had a wonderful experience last night that I'll get into next week, but essentially I had a fun and somewhat interesting night, followed by a two-hour nightmare of a commute home on the subway. FYI, that commute is usually about 20 minutes. So yeah, I was thrilled to walk in my apartment at like 2am last night. Not to mention, I thought I was going to get in a fight at a bar in Queens with a 60 year old construction worker who is apparently best friends with the inventor of something fairly amazing.
Like I said, interesting night. Stay tuned.
I also met with a personal trainer last night at the gym and I think she may have put some sort of spell on me or something. Because I was tired when I left last night, but I felt fine. But today I feel like I was hit by a truck or something. I can't remember the last time I was this sore. It's so good, but so bad at the same time. Ouch.
Coming up sometime next week (or the following week, or whenever I feel like it really) will be the "about me" list or the answers to some of those questions. I still really can't believe a few of the obvious questions haven't been asked yet. Feel free to keep emailing them to me or commenting... or not (I'm looking at you Beth), whatever.
And without further ado (which is kinda like saying, "but enough of that bullshit" isn't it?), here is this week's Video Fun, the bonus addition:
Have a great weekend. Don't do anything I wouldn't do...
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
How to lose weight quickly
During the years I lived in Colorado and did the whole extreme skier thing I was fucking deisel. I mean was in really, really sick shape. Then a few years ago, while I was still living out there and still skiing everyday, I got hurt really bad (extreme skiing lends itself well to serious injuries; seriously, true story) and was laid up for a while. I lost most of my sponsorships and got really lazy in general. Which led to me getting kind of... um, round.
After I got hurt I went back to school, graduated from said school (hey, a lot of people need 8 years to finish college without getting an M.D.) and moved to New York to get a "real job." Now, instead of skiing and generally enjoying the mountains, I ride the subway and sit at a desk most of the day.
Awesome move, dude.
During the injury>school>move to NYC>desk job span I managed to gain a lot of weight. In the relatively short timeframe right after the injury I gained some weight because I wasn't very mobile and I was on a 100-bong hit a day regimen, which led to many Ben & Jerry sessions and a lot of sitting around. Plus, apparently drinking like 15 beers a day can be fattening.
After moving to New York and being the serious foodie that I am I naturally felt it was my responsibility to try as many restaurants and pizza joints as I could when I moved here. So that, combined with not burning like a million calories a day while skiing, meant I got fat after I moved here.
FAT, fat. And not with a "ph" either. I gained like 60+ pounds in less than two years.
I know.
This past spring, I found out I had an ulcer (I wrote about it briefly here, but again, the 15 beers-a-day may have been a contributing factor. Just saying). The doctor put me on some meds and no alcohol, and I put myself on an ulcer-curing diet plan. I ate yogurt and granola for breakfast, I would have a banana or two for lunch (sometimes I would have some carrots for lunch - how exciting, right?) and I would eat an avocado and a half a cup of cottage cheese for dinner. That's it. For almost five months that was all I ate. Ulcers really harsh your appetite bone and I love avocados and cottage cheese, so it actually wasn't that hard to do.
Around the same time as I discovered I had an ulcer and started on the diet and all, I saw a picture of myself. I realized - just like in one of those Jenny Craig commercials - just how fat I really was. I looked like Jobba the Hut. Pregnant. After a big meal. Except, you know, whiter and with a lot more body hair.
So I figured as long as I was on the holocaust diet plan, I would start working out again and try and shed some of the extra pounds I had worked so hard to add on over the past couple of years. While it was a difficult decision, and I loved those pounds of flabby fattness for all the good times we had shared and all those long nights it kept me warm, I felt it was time for us to end our courtship.
So I started running and doing sit-ups and push-ups everyday. I was never a runner at all, so this was a big step for me - running like 4-5 days a week. (Wait, so I just put one foot in front of the other and repeat? Huh...)
The ulcer had forced me onto a crazy lactard-rabbit diet, my own sense of self-disgust had me working out again and I ended up losing about 50 pounds in just over four months.
(I seriously thought about writing to one of those self-help or healthy lifestyle magazines with "the ultimate diet plan." Then I found out that getting an ulcer and having no appetite isn't really that healthy. Go figure, my one shot at being ever published. Also: Not sitting on your ass all day and cutting some calories out of your diet? Not a very innovative or unique approach to losing weight.)
My workout when I lived in the mountains involved some training, generally peaking during the fall to gear up for the ski season. But it was mostly a Rocky IV kind of workout: Shoveling snow, skiing, lifting the front end of my snowmobile out of deep snow when it got stuck, chopping wood in the fall, construction work in the summer, just exerting myself in general.
(Wow, I just re-read that last paragraph and holy shit did I used to be manly. Now I can barely carry my own purse without getting tired.)
Now I work out in the gym. I started at the gym again this winter when it got too cold to run outside and I am pretty much there five days a week. The thing is I have an ultra-super-serious sweet tooth and have no will power over it (I am snorting Oreo crumbs and chasing them with bacon grease even as I write this). I still want to drop about 20 more pounds to get to where I want to be (which is even more insanely, ridiculously good looking than I already am; if that's even possible) and I know in order to do that I need to work out AND not eat anything. At all. I know my addiction to cookies, boobies, bacon and fattening foods is what is holding me back from losing the last little bit, but I cannot control myself. I am essentially working out in order to be able to eat what I want and to not gain weight, but to not lose any either, like treading water.
Fat water.
I have always been all about enjoying life to the fullest - eating, fraternizing, drinking, cavorting, you name it - if it feels good then do it, I say. So, seriously, drop a few more pounds or give up good food and cookies and bacon? Particularly with all the amazing restaurants and food in New York City, it would be like going to a whorehouse after I cut off my dick.
So my question is: How does one willingly quit eating food that's bad for you without first getting an ulcer?
Or a better question is: How can I keep eating cookies and bacon (oooh, what about bacon cookies? I bet those would be awesome!) and still lose weight? And how can I get really rich without having to do any actual work? And how do I keep all these attractive women from begging me to sleep with them? It's getting so annoying. Wait...
Oh, and keep the questions for the "about me" section coming. Seriously people, that post isn't going to write itself and I haven't nearly enough motivation or introspective prowess to write that much about myself. Also, I am really surprised by the fact that a question I thought would be asked hasn't even been approached yet. I thought for sure it would be one of the first ones I'd get, but nothing at all... Hmmmm.
After I got hurt I went back to school, graduated from said school (hey, a lot of people need 8 years to finish college without getting an M.D.) and moved to New York to get a "real job." Now, instead of skiing and generally enjoying the mountains, I ride the subway and sit at a desk most of the day.
Awesome move, dude.
During the injury>school>move to NYC>desk job span I managed to gain a lot of weight. In the relatively short timeframe right after the injury I gained some weight because I wasn't very mobile and I was on a 100-bong hit a day regimen, which led to many Ben & Jerry sessions and a lot of sitting around. Plus, apparently drinking like 15 beers a day can be fattening.
After moving to New York and being the serious foodie that I am I naturally felt it was my responsibility to try as many restaurants and pizza joints as I could when I moved here. So that, combined with not burning like a million calories a day while skiing, meant I got fat after I moved here.
FAT, fat. And not with a "ph" either. I gained like 60+ pounds in less than two years.
I know.
This past spring, I found out I had an ulcer (I wrote about it briefly here, but again, the 15 beers-a-day may have been a contributing factor. Just saying). The doctor put me on some meds and no alcohol, and I put myself on an ulcer-curing diet plan. I ate yogurt and granola for breakfast, I would have a banana or two for lunch (sometimes I would have some carrots for lunch - how exciting, right?) and I would eat an avocado and a half a cup of cottage cheese for dinner. That's it. For almost five months that was all I ate. Ulcers really harsh your appetite bone and I love avocados and cottage cheese, so it actually wasn't that hard to do.
Around the same time as I discovered I had an ulcer and started on the diet and all, I saw a picture of myself. I realized - just like in one of those Jenny Craig commercials - just how fat I really was. I looked like Jobba the Hut. Pregnant. After a big meal. Except, you know, whiter and with a lot more body hair.
So I figured as long as I was on the holocaust diet plan, I would start working out again and try and shed some of the extra pounds I had worked so hard to add on over the past couple of years. While it was a difficult decision, and I loved those pounds of flabby fattness for all the good times we had shared and all those long nights it kept me warm, I felt it was time for us to end our courtship.
So I started running and doing sit-ups and push-ups everyday. I was never a runner at all, so this was a big step for me - running like 4-5 days a week. (Wait, so I just put one foot in front of the other and repeat? Huh...)
The ulcer had forced me onto a crazy lactard-rabbit diet, my own sense of self-disgust had me working out again and I ended up losing about 50 pounds in just over four months.
(I seriously thought about writing to one of those self-help or healthy lifestyle magazines with "the ultimate diet plan." Then I found out that getting an ulcer and having no appetite isn't really that healthy. Go figure, my one shot at being ever published. Also: Not sitting on your ass all day and cutting some calories out of your diet? Not a very innovative or unique approach to losing weight.)
My workout when I lived in the mountains involved some training, generally peaking during the fall to gear up for the ski season. But it was mostly a Rocky IV kind of workout: Shoveling snow, skiing, lifting the front end of my snowmobile out of deep snow when it got stuck, chopping wood in the fall, construction work in the summer, just exerting myself in general.
(Wow, I just re-read that last paragraph and holy shit did I used to be manly. Now I can barely carry my own purse without getting tired.)
Now I work out in the gym. I started at the gym again this winter when it got too cold to run outside and I am pretty much there five days a week. The thing is I have an ultra-super-serious sweet tooth and have no will power over it (I am snorting Oreo crumbs and chasing them with bacon grease even as I write this). I still want to drop about 20 more pounds to get to where I want to be (which is even more insanely, ridiculously good looking than I already am; if that's even possible) and I know in order to do that I need to work out AND not eat anything. At all. I know my addiction to cookies, boobies, bacon and fattening foods is what is holding me back from losing the last little bit, but I cannot control myself. I am essentially working out in order to be able to eat what I want and to not gain weight, but to not lose any either, like treading water.
Fat water.
I have always been all about enjoying life to the fullest - eating, fraternizing, drinking, cavorting, you name it - if it feels good then do it, I say. So, seriously, drop a few more pounds or give up good food and cookies and bacon? Particularly with all the amazing restaurants and food in New York City, it would be like going to a whorehouse after I cut off my dick.
So my question is: How does one willingly quit eating food that's bad for you without first getting an ulcer?
Or a better question is: How can I keep eating cookies and bacon (oooh, what about bacon cookies? I bet those would be awesome!) and still lose weight? And how can I get really rich without having to do any actual work? And how do I keep all these attractive women from begging me to sleep with them? It's getting so annoying. Wait...
Oh, and keep the questions for the "about me" section coming. Seriously people, that post isn't going to write itself and I haven't nearly enough motivation or introspective prowess to write that much about myself. Also, I am really surprised by the fact that a question I thought would be asked hasn't even been approached yet. I thought for sure it would be one of the first ones I'd get, but nothing at all... Hmmmm.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
It's a Christmas miracle that I haven't bitchslapped a stranger yet
Okay, I know I am technically Jewish and I don't even celebrate Christmas but I am extremely excited for the Christmas season this year.
Normally all the holiday songs and cheer and goodwill and all that shit really bothers me. I don't like people, and I certainly do not like people I don't know talking to me or asking me for spare change. But this year, and maybe because I am getting to be an adult (haha!), I am really pumped for all the lights, Christmas music (Mostly Sinatra and such), store window displays, snow, and especially all the cheeriness and goodwill (not by me though).
Whatever it is, I am so psyched right now for the season.
Fat people normally gross me out, but fat people dressed up like Santa? Awesome.
Reindeer usually terrify me and I have to sleep with the lights on when I have the reindeer dreams. But Christmas reindeer? Electrifying!
Homeless people begging for change on the subway normally makes me sad. But homeless dudes begging for change and adding "it's Christmas season"? Well, actually, that still makes me feel bad.
But I think you get the point - I am geared the ef up for Christmas.
Oh, and Hanukkah too. Right, My peoples' holiday. I am excited about that too.
Seriously, I don't know why that is this year. Maybe because NYC gets so "Miracle on 34th Street" this time of year. But I am buzzing with anticipation and excitement for all that stuff.
I want to do all that stupid holiday stuff that you see people in those sappy Christmas movies doing. I want to go ice skating, shopping, bake cookies (well, I'm excited to eat Christmas cookies anyway), decorate a tree, slap a stranger, hear Christmas music in stores and elevators...
I may even get a tree in my apartment this year. Shit, I may even put those little, what are they called... "lights" on it.
Now don't get me wrong, I still am not likely going to buy gifts for anyone or do anything special to show my excitement and cheer. No, I want to make sure I continue to put off that angry teenager vibe all the time and that no one knows how happy and excited I really am about all this shit. But I on the inside, rest assured, I am glowing with cheer, goodwill and Christmas spirit. Well, as much as any Jew can.
Ugh, how sugary was that? I think I need to go puke now.
Normally all the holiday songs and cheer and goodwill and all that shit really bothers me. I don't like people, and I certainly do not like people I don't know talking to me or asking me for spare change. But this year, and maybe because I am getting to be an adult (haha!), I am really pumped for all the lights, Christmas music (Mostly Sinatra and such), store window displays, snow, and especially all the cheeriness and goodwill (not by me though).
Whatever it is, I am so psyched right now for the season.
Fat people normally gross me out, but fat people dressed up like Santa? Awesome.
Reindeer usually terrify me and I have to sleep with the lights on when I have the reindeer dreams. But Christmas reindeer? Electrifying!
Homeless people begging for change on the subway normally makes me sad. But homeless dudes begging for change and adding "it's Christmas season"? Well, actually, that still makes me feel bad.
But I think you get the point - I am geared the ef up for Christmas.
Oh, and Hanukkah too. Right, My peoples' holiday. I am excited about that too.
Seriously, I don't know why that is this year. Maybe because NYC gets so "Miracle on 34th Street" this time of year. But I am buzzing with anticipation and excitement for all that stuff.
I want to do all that stupid holiday stuff that you see people in those sappy Christmas movies doing. I want to go ice skating, shopping, bake cookies (well, I'm excited to eat Christmas cookies anyway), decorate a tree, slap a stranger, hear Christmas music in stores and elevators...
I may even get a tree in my apartment this year. Shit, I may even put those little, what are they called... "lights" on it.
Now don't get me wrong, I still am not likely going to buy gifts for anyone or do anything special to show my excitement and cheer. No, I want to make sure I continue to put off that angry teenager vibe all the time and that no one knows how happy and excited I really am about all this shit. But I on the inside, rest assured, I am glowing with cheer, goodwill and Christmas spirit. Well, as much as any Jew can.
Ugh, how sugary was that? I think I need to go puke now.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Relaxing Weekend in my Hot, Hot Pants
How was your weekend? That's nice. Mine was pretty solid too.
I had a good friend in town this weekend for work, so we got off a couple nice dinners and I got some great sleeping/relaxing/football time in while she was working during the days.
Did you see Saturday Night Live on, well, Saturday? Malkovich was good, he's a pretty funny and very creepy dude. And if you missed the Digital Short this week, "Jizz in my Pants" you missed out huge. I can't get the NBC video to embed - it keeps shutting down my page with some sort of error and NBC has removed the video from any other site (stupid copyrights). So in order to watch it you'll have to go here. Totally worth it though.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Samberg is a genius. The other guy in this is Jorma Taccone, he is a writer for SNL and was one of the guys who helped with the "Lazy Sunday" and "Dick in a Box" clips among other things. They, along with a dude named Akiva Schaffer are the group of filmmakers, The Lonely Island. These are funny dudes and the guys responsible for SNL's Digital Shorts (and a bunch of other, older stuff).
Enough with the fucking history lesson though, right? Time to bitch about something I can't really do anything about.
It is like 150 fucking degrees in my office today. I don't know how hard it can possibly be to get the temperature right in here, but it is a constant struggle. For a solid five months out of the year it is over 85 degrees in here, no shit, and sometimes it's WAY hotter. Fucking ridiculous. Somebody needs to hand over control of the thermostat, because whoever is supposed to be in charge is mentally (and/or thermally) deficient.
Also, I am still taking questions for the "about me" list or whatever, so please keep sending them in. Anything you want to know about me or my super-hero alter ego. Seriously, I am not going to be able to write this without help.
What a useless post. Sorry.
God it's hot in here.
I had a good friend in town this weekend for work, so we got off a couple nice dinners and I got some great sleeping/relaxing/football time in while she was working during the days.
Did you see Saturday Night Live on, well, Saturday? Malkovich was good, he's a pretty funny and very creepy dude. And if you missed the Digital Short this week, "Jizz in my Pants" you missed out huge. I can't get the NBC video to embed - it keeps shutting down my page with some sort of error and NBC has removed the video from any other site (stupid copyrights). So in order to watch it you'll have to go here. Totally worth it though.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Samberg is a genius. The other guy in this is Jorma Taccone, he is a writer for SNL and was one of the guys who helped with the "Lazy Sunday" and "Dick in a Box" clips among other things. They, along with a dude named Akiva Schaffer are the group of filmmakers, The Lonely Island. These are funny dudes and the guys responsible for SNL's Digital Shorts (and a bunch of other, older stuff).
Enough with the fucking history lesson though, right? Time to bitch about something I can't really do anything about.
It is like 150 fucking degrees in my office today. I don't know how hard it can possibly be to get the temperature right in here, but it is a constant struggle. For a solid five months out of the year it is over 85 degrees in here, no shit, and sometimes it's WAY hotter. Fucking ridiculous. Somebody needs to hand over control of the thermostat, because whoever is supposed to be in charge is mentally (and/or thermally) deficient.
Also, I am still taking questions for the "about me" list or whatever, so please keep sending them in. Anything you want to know about me or my super-hero alter ego. Seriously, I am not going to be able to write this without help.
What a useless post. Sorry.
God it's hot in here.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Videos, YouTube
Holy shit you guys, I have been YouTubing so hard today... I so badly want to post another video right now, but I am definitely getting some quality Friday material.
There may even be a bonus Video session this weekend with some of what I found today. I am laughing my ass off right now; I have found some funny stuff today. It is just amazing what's on YouTube.
Keep the emails/comments coming for the 101 things list or whatever it is. Seriously, anything you want to know...
There may even be a bonus Video session this weekend with some of what I found today. I am laughing my ass off right now; I have found some funny stuff today. It is just amazing what's on YouTube.
Keep the emails/comments coming for the 101 things list or whatever it is. Seriously, anything you want to know...
Friday Video Fun
It's Friday!! And you know what that means: another lonely night of crying myself to sleep. But also, it's time for some video fun!
After dedicating yesterday to poop and public bathrooms (it had been a while, so I'm sure it wasn't totally unexpected, right?) I figured I'd up my street cred today and drop some gangsta flavor on all y'all. Well, kind of.
One piece of blog house keeping first though. It seems like a ton of people in the blogosphere have the nearly obligatory "101 things about me" post or section of their blogs. I obviously do not. Not yet. But I want to.
However, instead of doing a straight up list, I figured I'd make it a tad more interactive...
So, for the next week or so, I want everyone who wants to know something about me to post a comment or email me (ifyourfeetarentontheground@gmail.com) with something that they want to know about me, questions they want answered by me, a thought to ponder and pontificate on, etc. Whatever. Let me know what you want to know and I will oblige* by letting you know what I know you want to know about what I know. Or something.
I plan to post that list or "about me" thing in the next week or so. But I think it would be way more fun if the two or three people who actually read this (is there really anybody out there?) to send me stuff they actually want to know about me. Dig?
Good.
Then ask away.
No limit on questions (and by that I mean ask about anything and ask as many as you would like).
Okay now that that's out there, on to today's Video Fun. Oh, and also, it looks like Video Fun is the official name of this weekly segment now since no one (except me) complained about the name or offered any suggestions. I guess I'll just have to wear my helmet every Friday now when I make mention of the name.
This one is for all the Homies out there who may or may not be working in finance.
Word up, yo.
Have a great weekend.
*I totally reserve the right to puss out of anything I don't want to answer. But I will try and be as forthcoming as possible, really.
After dedicating yesterday to poop and public bathrooms (it had been a while, so I'm sure it wasn't totally unexpected, right?) I figured I'd up my street cred today and drop some gangsta flavor on all y'all. Well, kind of.
One piece of blog house keeping first though. It seems like a ton of people in the blogosphere have the nearly obligatory "101 things about me" post or section of their blogs. I obviously do not. Not yet. But I want to.
However, instead of doing a straight up list, I figured I'd make it a tad more interactive...
So, for the next week or so, I want everyone who wants to know something about me to post a comment or email me (ifyourfeetarentontheground@gmail.com) with something that they want to know about me, questions they want answered by me, a thought to ponder and pontificate on, etc. Whatever. Let me know what you want to know and I will oblige* by letting you know what I know you want to know about what I know. Or something.
I plan to post that list or "about me" thing in the next week or so. But I think it would be way more fun if the two or three people who actually read this (is there really anybody out there?) to send me stuff they actually want to know about me. Dig?
Good.
Then ask away.
No limit on questions (and by that I mean ask about anything and ask as many as you would like).
Okay now that that's out there, on to today's Video Fun. Oh, and also, it looks like Video Fun is the official name of this weekly segment now since no one (except me) complained about the name or offered any suggestions. I guess I'll just have to wear my helmet every Friday now when I make mention of the name.
This one is for all the Homies out there who may or may not be working in finance.
Word up, yo.
Have a great weekend.
*I totally reserve the right to puss out of anything I don't want to answer. But I will try and be as forthcoming as possible, really.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Ah, Push it, P-Push it Real Good
What's with those people who make all sorts of grunting and stressful noises whilst taking an (apparently very arduous) dump in a public bathroom? I do not need to hear that, sir.
I'm not taking issue with the noises your ass makes. I mean that's gross, but sometimes people (not me, of course) can't control that noise. Sometimes your ass cheeks ripple and make noise when blasting a powerful dookie. It happens.
My problem is with all the "unnnggghhh" and "oohhhhhhh" and "mmmmmppphhhhh" coming from within the stalls as though someone is finishing a huge set of lifting weights or something. Like, "dude, you know I'm in here too right?" I mean the door is loud as fuck, I'm sure you must have heard me come in. There are even people talking over by the sinks - you know you aren't alone in here. Quiet the ef down, I don't need to hear you bursting blood vessels.
And who makes that much noise when taking a shit even if they are alone for that matter? If you have to push that hard for a turd to come out, maybe it's just not quite time yet. Wait a while, have a cup of coffee or something for Christ's sake.
Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? You're okay with pushing so hard you make grunting noises? You're not ashamed of your loud pooping habits? Well, you should be. That is just so unnecessary and frankly, it's gross.
And while we're at it, wash your fucking hands on the way out. At the very least pretend to wash them like Costanza does, if just for the sake of not seeming like a disease spreading grossaholic.
God forbid I run into you at the sinks when you're done. Because I am not afraid to give you a look that says, "you, sir, are repulsive."
Well, I would probably just think it sheepishly to myself, but we all know it's true.
I'm not taking issue with the noises your ass makes. I mean that's gross, but sometimes people (not me, of course) can't control that noise. Sometimes your ass cheeks ripple and make noise when blasting a powerful dookie. It happens.
My problem is with all the "unnnggghhh" and "oohhhhhhh" and "mmmmmppphhhhh" coming from within the stalls as though someone is finishing a huge set of lifting weights or something. Like, "dude, you know I'm in here too right?" I mean the door is loud as fuck, I'm sure you must have heard me come in. There are even people talking over by the sinks - you know you aren't alone in here. Quiet the ef down, I don't need to hear you bursting blood vessels.
And who makes that much noise when taking a shit even if they are alone for that matter? If you have to push that hard for a turd to come out, maybe it's just not quite time yet. Wait a while, have a cup of coffee or something for Christ's sake.
Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? You're okay with pushing so hard you make grunting noises? You're not ashamed of your loud pooping habits? Well, you should be. That is just so unnecessary and frankly, it's gross.
And while we're at it, wash your fucking hands on the way out. At the very least pretend to wash them like Costanza does, if just for the sake of not seeming like a disease spreading grossaholic.
God forbid I run into you at the sinks when you're done. Because I am not afraid to give you a look that says, "you, sir, are repulsive."
Well, I would probably just think it sheepishly to myself, but we all know it's true.
Performance Anxiety Review
My performance review is coming up (or is here) at work. And there are three things I have to fill out for the review: 1) My Job____ 2) About [Company]______ 3) Where I see myself in three years_______
I may have done something stupid. For the answer to number 3, I wrote:
3) Where I see myself in three years:
I see myself just having recorded and released my second multi-platinum country/gospel/reggae (a new genre I will call “recounspel”) album and being amazed at how much progress western medicine has made in the past two and a half years, leaving me healthy for at least a full year and not needing to see a doctor for anything. Or, more realistically, I see myself three years further along in my career, making more money and still enjoying what I do.
Is that bad?
I may have done something stupid. For the answer to number 3, I wrote:
3) Where I see myself in three years:
I see myself just having recorded and released my second multi-platinum country/gospel/reggae (a new genre I will call “recounspel”) album and being amazed at how much progress western medicine has made in the past two and a half years, leaving me healthy for at least a full year and not needing to see a doctor for anything. Or, more realistically, I see myself three years further along in my career, making more money and still enjoying what I do.
Is that bad?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
