Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Dude Abides

I am sorry I haven't been writing at all lately. I feel like my world has been turned upside down or something. I am not sure what to do at this point and aside from being insanely busy with the new role at work, I am simply feeling left without any inspiration or unique (or funny) thoughts at all.

I need to stop writing posts saying I haven't been writing and apologizing for being absent, but I really do feel like I am abandoning friends of mine (you, of course!). So, I will make a bigger effort to start writing more.

Seriously, I will. We're still cool, right?

I am kind of worried at this point that I won't get back on track and start thinking like myself again. Then again, I am optimistic that this might be the kind of realization period I need to go through to "find myself" again.

(I can't believe I just said I need to "find myself", ugh... But I really am feeling lost inside my own head lately)

Ever since my friend died a few weeks ago, I have really started to think about what I am doing in my life, what direction I'm headed in and what direction I want to be headed in (and about him, a lot, which has been really, really tough). Pretty much since then I have either been on a sickening, hair-twisting bender or thinking deeply about life and stuff. The weirdest part? He would be a great person to turn to right now and while he would totally make fun of me for asking, he would surely give me some solid, borderline prophetic advice about what to do (probably something like: Shut the fuck up and let's go ski).

I touched on it in my last post, which was forever ago (again, sorry for being a dick, I still love you) and I got some solid advice from you all, thanks. Most of the (really kind and insightful) words were pretty logical thoughts - essentially to find that direction or passion inside myself and (ready for another sick cliché) to follow my dreams. And also it seems that a lot of people are in the same boat, which makes me feel better for not being a spoiled, crazy fucktard.

Misery loves company.

I am on a role with the stale clichés today, huh?

The problem is, I have no fucking clue what my dreams even are. I don't know who I want to be or what I want to do.

And at this point, I am working (admittedly a super awesome job as far as jobs go) a job I'm not sure that I love (I do actually really like my job most of the time). I definitely do not dislike my job at all; it's great for the most part. I just don't like to work - or maybe I don't like to feel like I am trapped doing the thing that everyone is "supposed" to do.

I don't know.

What I do know is that I am working at a job I don't have an insane passion for right now. Well, actually I kind of do but I just feel like I have no passion for anything right now, which is probably a more realistic assessment of the situation; I'm kind of numb lately. And all that keeps happening is people telling me how great I am at this job and me getting promoted. So, I am probably doing something right.

Or I am just that innately awesome and everything I do is so far superior to everyone else's work- I can't even finish that, it's simply so untrue it hurts to type it.

Either way, what I am doing right now in my life (or with my life, whatever...) is fine. But that's just it - it's fine with small flashes of greatness every now and then. I know I am destined for something amazing and so ultra-super-duper-party-patrol-fucking rad that right now I feel like I may just be wasting time trying to figure out what it is. But (and here's the real headfucker) what if this is a necessary step to figuring out what I want to do? What if this is what I need to be doing right now to find myself.

(Really? Twice in one post? Wow.)

I just don't get how so many people can be (or at least seem to be) happy doing what they do when it looks to me like they (we) are all doing the same damn thing.

I don't even know where I am going with all this. I need to figure out what the F I want to do. Or not. Maybe I just need to be content with what I am doing for the time being. But that's how people get stuck running the race, getting caught in the rut - the work, marriage, kids, gross/old rut.

Am I running out of time or am I laying the groundwork for some sort of elevation of consciousness or at least some frame of mind where I can think somewhat objectively about who I am and which direction to start heading in? Because at this point, I am turning around in circles treading water with my eyes closed.

[Ed Note: The spacing is all weird, I know. But no matter how many times I edit it and try to fix it the edits won't stick and nothing changes. So, sorry if it looks sloppy and oddly spaced - it's Blogger not me.]


  1. I think it's always a good sign when you want more out of life. I get criticized for it a lot, called a "dreamer" and a plethora of other cliches, but I think it's a good thing. Keeps us moving. We could all try to give you advice but you're the only one who can figure out what it is that you want exactly (my comment is full of cliches, damn).

    All I'm saying is - don't settle. Don't settle for mediocre or safe or responsible. Do what you love, and fuck the rest. Yes, that last part was stolen from Little Miss Sunshine, but it is true and that movie is great so leave me alone.

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  3. Yep...what Baking with Plath said. Don't settle. You are young and free enough at this point in your life that you can afford to try something and fail (I just wanted to jump on the cliche bandwagon, too). You know for me, having a creative outlet outside of my straight-laced job is essential. It makes me feel better about my life to think; yeah, I'm a lawyer, but I'm also a stand-up comedian, so I haven't completely sold out...yet.

  4. I think everyone is kind of just Meh! about their lives most of the time. I have a job I like most of the time but I don't have a real passion for. In my case, I know where I want to end up and until then I have to tread water.

    It sucks. I wish I could just pick up and travel, have fun and live a different life but for me the end result of my hard work will be my dream job. Or wait, the financial freedom to be able to do what I want. Thats better.

    I think you are going through that phase in your life where you question everything. I went through it last year and ended up divorced. Realizing that where I was, was not where I wanted to be.

    Hopefully, you will figure a few things out about yourself during this stage.

    And stop apologizing for being MIA, everyone has their shit to deal with.

  5. Okay. Sometimes I'm great at advice and sometimes I suck... so take this with a grain of salt maybe.

    Jozette's advice:
    1. Don't be too hard on yourself. For whatever you are feeling - guilty about not blogging, guilty for not loving your job, unsettled, unhappy, unsatisfied, etc etc. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel, and then when the time comes... sort out what you can change and what you can't. The things you can change, change them. The things you can't? Starting drinking a lot. Then they'll go away, too.

    2. I go MIA from my blog and people still read for some reason. I just recently stopped caring about not writing every day, or at least pretty frequently. It took a while. But seriously, don't let BLOGGING be something that adds stress to your life. It should be the opposite!

    3. Feel comfort in the fact that everyone goes through this. I'm not saying you aren't special, but seriously... sensitive, sentient beings who give a damn go through this stuff. You have a soul... so sometimes it aches, you know? It's all just a part of growing up.

    4. I think that's all I got for now. Maybe that helped, maybe it didn't. We're still here to what you write, if you write.

  6. Ugh...I totally feel your pain. I think everyone who doesn't rush off the law school goes through this...but the fact that the world is a mess makes it so much harder. Also, I am prone to freak-outs and indecision, which makes me spiral to the point where I don't even know what I'm thinking about.

    I think we should have a Park Slope "What The Hell Am I Doing" therapy group.

  7. I think you should take two steps back and stop analyzing things so hard. It's okay that you don't yet know what you want to do for the rest of your life. There are TONS of people who are much older than you with the same issue.

    I believe it will come to you when it is supposed to.

    Don't let it stress you out so badly

    And definitely don't go on benders! I did that! It's NOT the answer. It doesn't fix anything. And it just helps fog up your brain worse.

  8. I forgive you. I still heart you. How could something that big NOT make you take a step back?

    For me, when something tragic or unbearable happens, there are two options:

    Surround myself with friends and booze and drink until it all comes out (not recommended for keeping friends. Try to use ones you don't really mind using.)

    Take a trip. Sometimes just being somewhere else, even if it's just for a weekend... I dunno, different perspective, and all that?

    Maybe even to Colorado...

    I'll still be here when you get back :-)

  9. Nice reference.. The Big Lebowski is a great film.

    Looks like you have enough advice, so I'll just say I can identify with a lot of what you said (especially the part about being innately awesome) and if you ever need someone to commiserate with, you have my email. Peace to you.

  10. BWP - So,I'm a dreamer and I'm not the only one? And quoting Litle Miss Sunshine will get you everywhere with me.

    Punchline - You're a lawyer? Seriously? You seem way too immature and cool to be a lawyer.

    Jossie - Exactly! Everyone is Meh about their lives most of the time. But I don't want to be like everyone else OR be meh about my life.

    Jozette - Did you just call me a sensitive, sentient being with a soul? I love you too.

    RB - Time and place. I'm there. For real this time.

    Deutlich - If I could stop analyzing things for even one minute it would be nice. I tend to overanalyze the shit out of everything.

    Lilu - Friends and booze? Check (see: Helmet Week 2008). Take a trip? I wish I could. Somehow I am poor and living paycheck to paycheck still. Altough I'm hoping that changes soon with the new position and all. And you're very sweet, thanks.

  11. Muse - The Big L is the BEST film. Ever. And thanks; even just writing a lot of this down helps a lot - as well as the insight from everyone.

  12. Hmmm... sounds like a quarter life crisis. Which I understand...
    I have no advice. I just wanted to let you know that I read I commented.

  13. You are definitely not alone in the world. I think what you are going through is something that everyone goes through. As you notice, most of us who comment are in the same boat, or have been. Nothing about life is stable. You make a decision and forever hope it was the right one. I wouldn't stress about it too much right now. You're obviously still in mourning (which is completely understandable). Let yourself be sad for awhile. You know? Don't try and fight your frustration and sadness. It doesn't have to be figured out NOW. Take a step back and look at your situation rather than feeling like you're being swallowed up by it. You might come out with a different perspective on what you want to do. If that makes any sense. Probably sounds weird. Oh well. Lol.