Wednesday, January 7, 2009

There is no Spoon

Wow. I haven’t been here in a while. Sorry about that. Helmet Week 2008 really took the wind out of me.

But you are the wind beneath my wings.

Seriously. You are.

Helmet Week is over and I am paying for it dearly right now. I am so sick from the abuse my body (and mind) endured during said week, and all the…uh, stuff I may or may not have…uh, ingested. Dig?

I got effed the eff up. For real. And now I am having the flu and trying to habituate and adjust back into normal life. Not cool dude. So not cool.

On top of that I have a ridiculous amount of work to do now. You know how I got promoted before I left? Well, it seems that they expect me to do more work since they’re now paying me more. WTF is that about, right? Did I just type WTF?

(OMG, I just LOL’ed in my pants.)

And technically, since the paperwork hasn’t gone through, they aren’t paying me more yet. I’m just working harder and being sicker. And not in a good way.

The past two days (wow, has it only been two days since I came back to earth? Help me) have been so rough, it has got me thinking - which is generally pretty dangerous. Why should I work? I dislike it immensely I think. I would so much rather not do anything than have to wake up early, commute (on the bane of my existence, the F train, no less), work, rinse, repeat.

The odd thing is: I have an AWESOME job. I mean everything about it is great as far as jobs go – other than the whole waking up, commuting to get here, etc part. I have the best boss ever, the people I work with are fantastic, I get paid enough to not be homeless, and I don’t ever stay late. Like ever. My job rules; I just dislike working in general.

Working after two weeks of super extreme party patrol and being sick when you come back is even worse. Trust me, I died a little this week.

I have also been thinking about the path I am on. The path I used to be on. The path so many people end up taking in life...

How come so many people follow the cookie cutter path? School > Work > Marriage > Kids > Being old and gross and probably playing a lot of golf (Encore: Tweeprise>Death)?

I used to live such a righteous and groovy life. I followed the Phish band; I skied and threw myself off of massive cliffs everyday before drinking myself into an ulcer. Now I work in a cubicle?

I actually got excited today about moving into my new cube.

Let me repeat that: Cube*.

I shouldn’t be psyched about that, should I? I used to get psyched about a big second set opener, or a 14 inch snowstorm overnight (that’s what she said!). Now it’s come to this?

I remember thinking about how I would never be one of those people who ran the rat race and sold out to the man. Shit, I am like one step away from becoming the man now. And not in a good way.

How the shit did this happen?

What do I do now? Do I bail on all this (all this what? I don't have THAT much going for me)? Do I move back to Colorado and start skiing again? Maybe a beach in Indonesia? I mean, Phish is coming back soon... I am so worried I am going to spend my whole life running on this hamster wheel and not realizing I wasted my life doing until I am old and gross.

Or have I realized it already?

I don’t know if I am moving down this path because that’s what people are “supposed” to do, and since I’ve never been one for doing the things I am supposed to do, I am trying to make up for it now. Or if I was on the cool path and lost a fucking wheel and have veered onto the “normal” path of supposedness somehow.

OMG, WTF… I am having an existential meltdown. I used to be cool and awesome. Now I am totally in the Matrix. And not in a good way.

Morpheus, hook me up with the blue pill dude, stat.

Ten days of relentless helmetness (yeah it rhymes fool!) and I start questioning it all. Or maybe it’s the three days of helmetlessness since then. But man, I either need to find a way to never work or start thinking seriously about what I really want to do in life. Actually those things might be one in the same.

Hi, I missed you.

*My new desk is actually pretty sweet. I’m just saying…


  1. I think about this often. I really want to be able to travel all around the world as some sort of uber-hedonism fest. The only problem with that is you need money. You can't do these things if you don't have money yo. Oh, and girls tend to find "unemployed" not a very solid career choice (damn them and their arcane logic!).

  2. Shit, I hear you. This is my daily struggle. And I don't know the answer, but I do believe you should follow your heart while you can (wow, that came out cheesier written down than it was in my head). But then again, I sit in an office that I hate everyday, too, so if you figure it out...let me know.

  3. Awww, we missed you too, you big softy.

    by the way, word verification:


  4. as the corporate world would say... "yea, let me know when you crack that nut." translated: I am so with you but I can't figure out the answer either. My biggest fear is waking up 40, single, and going into the same old office every single day.

    On another note, the life you described of doing nothing is exactly what I am doing right now and, if I didn't have the nagging, terrifying word "bills" in my head, it would amazing.

  5. what if the reality is that you are already old and gross?

    I don't think you are.. I'm just saying. It's good to explore all options and get yourself in a serious mind fuck. Go big or go home, y'know?


  6. You need a dartboard in your cube.

  7. Is it possible to do both a little bit? Work, take a month off and go abroad, come back to work for a year and party on the weekends, repeat? You can still be a fulfilled person and hold a job can't you?? I work for myself and am feeling pretty good about the possibilities. Maybe that's the answer. But working for yourself=you never know what next month's paycheck will look like=scary.

    Congrats on the promo!

  8. Welcome back!

    Congrats on the cube.

    And not all of us choose the cookie cutter path. No worries ;)

  9. The quote "About Me" on my blog is this:

    "Sometimes, the seemingly unique quality of life, the people in it, and the experiences I encounter astound me. Other days, I curl up in the fetal position shivering, fearful that I will end up a suburban housewife with a mom haircut, 3 kids, a dog, and a stale marriage. Here's to finding out..."

    And I mean it wholeheartedly. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I HEAR you, brother. I hear you. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

  10. Agh I feel you on the work and Indonesia frontier. Just googled the latter today in fact! I need the former to do the latter, man life is cruel!!!!!!!

  11. Hi, are we the same person? Just wondering.

    Do what you do (but watch my shoes). Yeah, that's all I've got. I'm in the same boat, so I don't know how much help I could possibly be. Just go with your gut.

  12. i pretty much have this same conversation in my head every other day.

  13. Breathe. Your crisis will pass until the next time it comes along.

    Remember that I am the wind beneath your wings. For real, yo!

  14. I hear ya! Everyday I struggle between wanting to live free and do something totally different. And then the fear of coming back to reality to find everyone around me old and settled down gets to me. One day we'll figure it out!

  15. I'm stuck in cubicle hell myself and I'm wondering how I can get myself canned so I can just live off the government for a while. All I need to do is make sure I can pay the rent with it. Then I would spend my days being a pretentious bohemian wannabe. That just sounds awesome to me.

    I started to come down with a cold right before NYE and I REFUSED to be sick. I even (very briefly) considered chewing and an adrenaline gland but was afraid of the image of a fat Benicio Del Toro demon dancing in front of me. I managed to fight off the cold until after New Year's.