Thursday, December 4, 2008

Ah, Push it, P-Push it Real Good

What's with those people who make all sorts of grunting and stressful noises whilst taking an (apparently very arduous) dump in a public bathroom? I do not need to hear that, sir.

I'm not taking issue with the noises your ass makes. I mean that's gross, but sometimes people (not me, of course) can't control that noise. Sometimes your ass cheeks ripple and make noise when blasting a powerful dookie. It happens.

My problem is with all the "unnnggghhh" and "oohhhhhhh" and "mmmmmppphhhhh" coming from within the stalls as though someone is finishing a huge set of lifting weights or something. Like, "dude, you know I'm in here too right?" I mean the door is loud as fuck, I'm sure you must have heard me come in. There are even people talking over by the sinks - you know you aren't alone in here. Quiet the ef down, I don't need to hear you bursting blood vessels.

And who makes that much noise when taking a shit even if they are alone for that matter? If you have to push that hard for a turd to come out, maybe it's just not quite time yet. Wait a while, have a cup of coffee or something for Christ's sake.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? You're okay with pushing so hard you make grunting noises? You're not ashamed of your loud pooping habits? Well, you should be. That is just so unnecessary and frankly, it's gross.

And while we're at it, wash your fucking hands on the way out. At the very least pretend to wash them like Costanza does, if just for the sake of not seeming like a disease spreading grossaholic.

God forbid I run into you at the sinks when you're done. Because I am not afraid to give you a look that says, "you, sir, are repulsive."

Well, I would probably just think it sheepishly to myself, but we all know it's true.


  1. Dude, obviously someone needs a little fiber in their diet.

  2. I threw up in my mouth a little reading this post. You are right but really UE, really. Bleh! Gross.

  3. I hear you...but how is it that you are offended by the noises and not by the fact that someone is shitting 3 feet away from you? I think you have to be all or nothing- go big or go home, I say!

  4. Lets see, how disgusting can I be in this comment ... I work with some of the most disgusting co-workers out there. If you walk into the bathroom it sounds like the New York Philharmonic was forced to use their asses. I totally feel you though and thank my lucky stars that my ass is usually a deaf-mute.

  5. Maybe that's a check on the "pro" side of being a chick - rarely do I hear women grunting while pooping in public. That is not to say that women don't make horrid noises while crapping because of simple nature (read: flatulents), at which time I'm pretty much always the immature one who is cowering the stall trying not to laugh too loudly because the woman next to me has seriously loud POA.

    Sidenote: did you not read my post about farting? The noise is not from butt cheeks, but from the tightness of the sphincter. (hehe)

  6. Dutchess - Totally. Wait, you don't mean me do you?

    Jossie - A few depressing family posts had to be followed up strong with a post about public bathrooms and poop. Don't pretend you didn't see this coming.

    Punchline - A guy's gotta use the restroom at some point throughout the day, I'm just saying. I don't much enjoy any aspect of it though honestly.

    Dating w/o Pants - Haha, NY Philharmonic asses, your ass being a deaf mute? This is the kind of immature and gross humor that makes me laugh.

    Muse - Not only did I read your post about it, I read that whole site you linked it to. It was both disgusting and informative. I couldn't stop reading - it was like watching a trainwreck.

  7. This is to be expected from men, honestly. Most of you have odd habits.

    I was in a public bathroom over the weekend, and I heard loud "Ooh!'s and Aah!'s" coming from a stall. I thought, "Hey, girl is getting her groove on! Nice!"...until the smell came, and it all clicked.

    So, apparently, taking a huge crap is like an Orgasm? I'm not so sure. I mean, I know that some say they have a feeling of accomplishment after successfully taking a poo, but orgasmic? I don't know.

  8. I thank god (and Ron Burgundy) everyday that women are too scared to poo in public :) It makes our bathrooms much more pleasant places!

  9. Katie - I think you're assuming the two are mutually exclusive. Some people are just weird like that.

    Rachel - I thank Ron Burgundy for everything, everyday.