Monday, December 15, 2008

What to do When Your Facebook Gets Hacked

The following is a transcript from a Facebook chat my friend Bo had with the person who hacked our friend Jenn's account. Just so you know, Bo and I are basically non-sexual soulmates. He has been one of my closest friends for more than half of my life, and we tend to think using the same brain. Except he is much, much funnier than I am. And more talented at stuff.

To give you a bit of context, Jenn is a friend of ours from high school who I am vaguely in touch with (through Facebook) although we more or less lost touch, like most of the people I went to high school with (with the exception of a select few). Bo and her, both still living in Minneapolis, are still friends and in touch more often than she and I, but not super close.

I didn't want to edit the text, and it is from a chat, so bear with any spaces missing or misspellings, etc. This is just so damn funny I couldn't not post it on here.




The chat Bo had with whoever hacked Jenn's Facebook account:

Jennifer

hi

9:06am



Bo

Hey you!

9:06am



Jennifer

am in a mess

9:07am



Bo

what sort of mess?

9:09am



Jennifer

am stuck here in London

9:09am



Bo

well that's not so bad. How are you stuck?

9:10am



Jennifer

i was robbed in my hotel room

9:10am



Bo

scary

you ok?

9:11am



Jennifer

am ok

9:12am



Bo

they get your passport?

9:12am



Jennifer

nope am glad my passport is secure all my belongings including my wallet was stolen at gunpoint

9:13am



Bo

jesus, he came into your hotel?

9:14am



Jennifer

they came

4 of them

9:14am



Bo

Brits?

9:15am



Jennifer

dont know

but the police told us that they are russians

9:15am



Bo

are you alone there?

9:16am



Jennifer

am here with my husband

9:17am



Bo

neither of you hurt?

9:17am



Jennifer

nope

9:18am



Bo

well that is fucking scary, but I'm glad you are okay. Both of you

9:18am



Jennifer

yeah

we are glad we have out lives and our passport secured too

we need your help

9:19am



Bo

sure, what do you need?

9:20am



Jennifer

wondering if you could loan us some money to get out ticket back home and to settle some outstanding bills here at the hotel

i will pay back immediately i get back home I promise

9:22am



Bo

how much do you guys need?

9:22am



Jennifer

700$ will be ok since some money has been wired to us earlier

just not enough to get us back home

but i dont if you could afford such at the moment?

9:24am



Bo

I really dont have that much money, but I can try to get something together, did you contact your folks?

9:24am



Jennifer

yeah

our parents sent the ones we have to us how much do you have on you now that can be wire to us via western union now?cos thats the way we recieve money earlier

9:26am [By now Bo figured out it was a scam, and NOT Jenn]



Bo

what hotel are you in?

9:27am



Jennifer

Sector Hotel

9:28am



Jennifer

are you helping us or not?

please talk to me

how much can you afford to loan and wire to me now?

9:29am



Bo

hold on

9:32am



Jennifer

hello

am still waiting !

9:32am



Bo

checking my bank account, hold on

9:33am



Jennifer

oh,ok

9:36am



Bo

setting up western union now, did you tell your mom you were robbed?

9:37am



Jennifer

yes

she sent some money too

how much can you afford now?

9:40am



Bo

I can only send $1000 at a time

9:40am



Jennifer

ok

9:42am



Bo

do you need more than that?

9:42am



Jennifer

no

9:42am



Bo

ok where do I send it?

im so worried for you

9:43am



Jennifer

to my name

9:44am



Bo

how much should I send?

9:44am



Jennifer

how much can you afford?

9:45am



Bo

i have plenty, over 10,000 in my account, so how much do you need to get home safe

9:45am



Jennifer

900$ will be ok

9:45am



Bo

are you sure thats enough?

9:45am



Jennifer

yes

which stage are you on the transfer?

9:46am



Bo

stage 2

9:46am



Jennifer

which page is that?

9:46am



Bo

im new at this, give me a minute

9:47am



Jennifer

but you should be able to see what is on the page

9:47am



Bo

I miss spending time with you

9:48am



Jennifer

which page are you?

whats on the page?

9:48am



Bo

it says defcon 4 at the top

does that help?

9:49am



Jennifer

what!

9:49am



Bo

I cant get it to work, I'm going to drop the money off at your parents house and let them wire it to you. okay?

please talk to me

9:50am



Jennifer

what happened

you not trying to help me

9:51am



Bo

I cant figure it out, bringing the money to your parents

9:51am



Jennifer

i dont know what you might be thinking

but you can do anything you like

you are not doing anything since just trying to waste my time

thinking this is a joke? right?
9:52am



Bo

No i really want to help you, but I cant get western union to work
9:53am



Jennifer

okthere is a way out

9:53am



Bo

what is it?

9:53am



Jennifer

can find an agent very close to youand you can wire it from there

9:54am



Bo

ok let me know where

9:55am



Jennifer

You can get this yourself on the western union home page

on the top you will see FIND AN AGENT

9:56am



Bo

oh ok

9:56am



Jennifer

click that and you will the nearest to you

9:56am



Bo

Do you still work at the day care?

9:57am



Jennifer

i work for Target

have you seen outlet very close to you now?

9:58am



Bo

yes I found one.I will drive there

9:58am



Jennifer

ok

9:58am



Bo

Should I call your ex husband?

9:58am



Jennifer

where is that?how long will it take to get there ?

9:59am



Bo

5 minutes

9:59am



Jennifer

do you have to go that lenght?

am with my husband

9:59am



Bo

should I call your ex husband?

9:59am



Jennifer

why do you have to call any other person

are you trying to expose me to the whole wordl?

10:00am



Bo

your first husband, he has a lot of money

Is your daughter with you? [Jenn doesn't have a daughter]

10:01am



Jennifer

please go and do this if you really wants to

10:01am



Bo

Okay I am going, is your daughter with you?

10:01am



Jennifer

when you are backdrop a note for me in my facebook inbox with the transfer detail for the pick up

have to go now

10:02am



Bo

wait wait!

10:02am



Jennifer

you have my name

incase you need an addressthis is the hotel address11 GILDEN STREETLONDONNW5 4AQ

10:03am



Bo

lets talk about the old times, how we used to take long walks in the park. Remember that time you got sick on the school bus and threw up on all the kids?

10:03am



Jennifer

UNITED KINGDOM

i will check back later to get the details

you are nut

10:04am



Bo

you smell like fresh flowers and rain drops!

10:04am



Jennifer

we should discuss that now that am in a messgo first

then we can talk better when am back home

thanks

10:05am



Bo

mmmm ok then we can get messy?I've never loved another woman the way I loved you

10:06am



Jennifer

please go now

10:06am



Bo

my life has really fallen apart since you left me

10:06am



Jennifer

please go noware you going now or not???

10:06am



Bo

yes I am going, but is there a chance we can get back together?

10:06am



Jennifer

you know for this i owe you a favour back

10:07am



Bo

i often sit for hours in the bath tub, with nothing but a can of peanut butter, crying about you

10:07am



Jennifer

maybe we sit and talk things overbut i will have to get back home first

10:07am



Bo

i'd like that

10:07am



Jennifer

please go now

10:08am



Bo

I have thought about ending my life at times. I just dont want to keep living without you

10:08am



Jennifer

you have the info with youright?

10:08am



Bo

i am empty on the insideI am yet to find another woman who will spit on my face when we do our love makings

do you remember?

10:09am



Jennifer

do you have the information with you?can you go now

please go

10:09am



Bo

make me believe you want me back. i need you

10:10am



Jennifer

am not saying a word again

10:10am



Bo

I will send any amount of money you want, but i want you back

10:10am



Jennifer

are you tormenting me?

go first

10:10am



Bo

are you tormenting me? I have been heart broken since you left

10:11am



Jennifer

PLEASE

10:11am



Bo

tell me you love me

PLEASEI knew it, you only want my money

I am going to kill myself

how could you do this to me?

we have 4 children together [They never even dated]

10:12am



Jennifer

I WILL ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME

ARE YOU GOING NOWOR NOT

IF YOU CANT HELP ME IN TIME OF NEEDHOW DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU AFTER?

10:13am



Bo

just tell me you love me

do it now

10:14am



Jennifer

MY HUSBAND IS COMING NOW

OK

10:14am



Bo

all over you?

where is he coming?

10:14am



Jennifer

I LOVE YOU

WILL YOU DO THIS FOR ME NOW

10:14am



Bo

yes i will

I love you too

10:17am



Jennifer

OKARE GOING NOW?

DO YOU HAVE MY INFORMATION I SENT YOU?

HOW MUCH ARE YOU SENDING NOW?

ARE YOU THERE?

10:21am



Bo

Ok it should be sent

i sent 900 is that enough to get home?

hello?

are you ok?

10:24am



Jennifer

HELO

AM HERE

10:25am



Bo

is your husband there?

10:25am



Jennifer

YES

ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR ME OR MY HUSBAND?

10:26am



Bo

Does he pleasure you the same way i did?

do you love him more then me?

10:26am



Jennifer

ARE YOU BACK?

HOW MUCH ARE YOU SENDING?

10:27am



Bo

Answer me, DO YOU LOVE HIM MORE?

10:27am



Jennifer

NO

10:27am



Bo

DO YOU LOVE ME MORE?

10:27am



Jennifer

YOU ANSWER ME

10:27am



Bo

Who DO YOU LOVE MORE?

10:27am



Jennifer

ANSWER ME FIRST

10:28am



Bo

yes I am back, now tell me WHO DO YOU LOVE MORE?

10:28am



Jennifer

IF ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR MONEY YOU ARE ASKING ME ALL THIS

HAVE YOU DONE THIS

HAVE YOU SENT IT?

10:28am



Bo

You used to love when i did the shocker on you. Remember?

10:29am



Jennifer

HAVE YOU SENT IT

I WILL NOT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION AGAINUNTIL I HAVE THE DETAILS

THATS WHTA I WILL SHOW HIM

SO HE CAN GO OUT OF THIS ROOM

AND I CAN TALK TO YOU BEFORE HE RETURN BACK

10:30am



Bo

I am not going to send it untill you tell me you want a pearl necklace.

Say I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A PEARL NECKLACE

10:30am



Jennifer

ITS YOUR MONEYYOU CAN HOLD IT

HAVE A NICE DAY

10:31am



Bo

NO WAIT

I want to help you

10:31am



Jennifer

THEN HELPME

INSTAED OF THE CONDITION

I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU TOO

10:31am



Bo

ok just tell me you want a pearl necklace, that all i want, just say it please

10:32am



Jennifer

WHY WOULD I SAY THAT???

10:32am



Bo

You know why,

JUST SAY IT

10:32am



Jennifer

I WANT A PEARL NECKLACE

10:32am



Bo

mmmmmmmmm yeah

What is my surprise?

10:33am



Jennifer

ARE YOU GIVING THE DETAILS NOW OR NEVER?

10:33am



Bo

I am leaving now to send you the money

tell me my surprise

10:33am



Jennifer

NO

YOU ARE A LIAR

10:34am



Bo

Do you even care if I live or die?

10:34am



Jennifer

YOU SAID YOU HAVE GONE

AND RETURNED

NOW YOU ARE JUST GOING

10:34am



Bo

You never even loved me did you?

10:34am



Jennifer

WHATEVER

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME

10:34am



Bo

I already sent the money, is that all you care about?

10:34am



Jennifer

NONONO

10:35am



Bo

So you still love me?

10:35am



Jennifer

BUT I NEED TO GIVE THAT TO MY HUSBAND HERE

TO GO AND GET THIS PICK UP

THEN HE COULD LEAVE THE ROOM

I WILL BE ALL ALONE HERE THEN

AND WE CAN TALK

10:35am



Bo

then we can cyber?

10:35am



Jennifer

I CAN SAY THINGS

BUT NOT WITH HIM HERE IN THE SAME ROOM

10:36am



Bo

but when he leaves we can cyber sex?

10:36am



Jennifer

I CAN DECIDE TO LOG OUT ON MY OWN

10:36am



Bo

mmmmm I love when you LOG OUT

10:36am



Jennifer

I CAN SEE YOU ARE JUST WASTING MY TIME

OKBYE

10:37am



Bo

But im sending a lot of money, the least you can do is cyber sex with me

10:37am



Jennifer

BYE

GO AND DIE WITH YOUR MONEY

10:37am



Bo

But I already sent it

10:37am



Jennifer

OH

YOU CAN GO THERE AND COLLECT IT BACK

10:38am



Bo

you dont need it?

10:38am



Jennifer

YES

10:38am



Bo

yes you dont?

10:38am



Jennifer

YESI DONT

10:39am



Bo

ok, but do you still love me?

like the olden days

10:39am



Jennifer

CAN YOU LEAVE ME PLEASE

YOU ARE A LOSER

10:39am



Bo

you want me to leave you alone?

10:39am



Jennifer

SIMPLY BECAUSE I ASKED FOR HELP

YOU THINK I SHOULD LOSE MY SENSES BECAUSE OF THAT

TO HELL WITH YOU

10:40am



Bo

no, I just want to give you a pearl necklace, you asked for it.

10:40am



Jennifer

DO YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE TALKING IN THE PRESENCE OF MY HUSBAND

10:41am



Bo

Sure, he can hop in the mix if he wants, you always were nasty like that.

Remember that time with my sister?

Hello? Remember that time with my sister?

10:42am



Jennifer

WHEN I STOPPED DISCUSSING WITH YOU

YOU WILL GO

10:43am



Bo

You are so mean to me

10:43am



Jennifer

YEAHI AM

AND I WILL CONTINUE TO BE

10:44am



Bo

Why?

10:44am



Jennifer

IF YOU CONTINUE TREATING ME THIS WAY

MUST I TELL YOU I LOVE YOU IN THE PRESENCE OF MY HUSBAND

10:44am



Bo

Did you like the pearl necklace?

10:44am



Jennifer

DONT ASK ME ANYMORE QUESTION?

10:45am



Bo

is that a question?

10:45am



Jennifer

CAN I HAVE THE DETAILS?

I REALLY NEED THAT MONEY TO GET OUT OF HERE WITH MY HUSBAND

ARE YOU SENDING THEM OR NOT?

10:45am



Bo

mmm you want the juicy details?

10:46am



Jennifer

THIS IS THE LAST TIME AM GONNA ASK

10:46am



Bo

ok ok ill give you the details.

10:46am



Jennifer

JUST A MESSAGE FROM YOU WHICH IS NOT THE INFORMATION

OFF I GO

10:47am



Bo

The first thing I'm going to do is lay you on your back,mmmm

10:48am



Jennifer

WILL YOU SAY GOODBYE NOW

10:49am



Bo

I'll never say good bye, I love you forever

10:49am



Jennifer

COS AM REMOVING YOU FROM MY LIST NOW FOR GOOD

10:50am



Bo

But before i go, can i borrow some money?

10:50am



Jennifer

YOU ARE DISAPPOINTMENT

FROM ME OR WHO?

10:50am



Bo

you sound like my mother

10:50am



Jennifer

YOU ARE NUT

YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF EXAMINED

BYEBYE

10:51am



Bo

it's just nice to talk to someone. I dont get out of the house much

10:51am



Jennifer

BYE

10:51am



Bo

my pants are off

10:52am



Jennifer

TOR IN HELL

ROT IN HELL

10:52am




Bo

I dont know, TOR sounds like more fun

You don't have permission to chat with this person.

So can i borrow money or not?

22 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Next time a warning would be lovely...here's a little story for you.

    I was sitting at my desk eating my super delish Broccoli cheddar soup as I read your post. Very funny, giggling here and there and then I got the part that he tells her to say she wants a pearl necklace and I spit soup all over my monitor.

    Jossie keeping it Classy since 1982.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "I often sit for hours in the bath tub, with nothing but a can of peanut butter, crying about you" Brilliant!!

    The possibility of being hacked and thus so thoroughly entertained, just gave me reason # 2 to get Facebook, the first being that you can add a farm with chickens and apple trees...

    ReplyDelete
  4. "But before i go, can i borrow some money?"

    hahahaha I think this post should win an award. that was fucking hilarious. and never ending. It just kept going and going and going and going. Loveeed it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Elaine - I am dying to know what you said and who you are. Anyone else?

    Punchline - Agreed... On both accounts.

    Jossie - Always a lady. I love broccoli cheddar soup, by the way.

    Miss Mak - I don't know if that's a better reason to get a FB account or not to get one. Good luck.

    Bethis - Seriously, I wish I could take credit for it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just about died when I read the part where he said "my pants are off"

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "Remember that time with my sister? Hello? Remember that time with my sister?"

    I almost peed.

    ReplyDelete
  9. OH MY EFFING GOODNESS! That was hilarious! I love how he kept asking if she wanted to cyber - "cyber" is so early 90s! :o)

    ReplyDelete
  10. He should submit that to McSweeney's or something.

    ReplyDelete
  11. "i am empty on the insideI am yet to find another woman who will spit on my face when we do our love makings"

    that was the part that got me.

    this was effing hysterical. i want to be bff with your bff.

    ReplyDelete
  12. BWP - Is that because you were so high?

    Grand Wave - Dude, leave your sister out of this.

    RS27 - Yeah but at least you had the courage to ask another dude for a pearl necklace.

    Muse - Why do you know that?

    RB - McSweeneys? Is that the restaurant with the mozzarella sticks and all the shit on the walls?

    Regardez Moi - Everyone does. There are only a few people in the world who understand him and me, I think you might be one.

    ReplyDelete
  13. That's quite possibly the funniest thing I've read in a long time. You had me at Defcon 4. And then at peanut butter in the bathtub.

    ReplyDelete
  14. That was very long. I read the whole thing. It was pretty freakin' funny. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  15. HAHA That is hilarious. Peanut butter in the bath sounds like heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lacey Bean - Agreed, that's why I had to post it. I wish I had written it myself. Maybe someone will hack another friend's FB and try to get money from me.

    HB - HIlarious, actually, if I do say so myself.

    LBluca - I usually use water in the bath, but whatever.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I don't know if sex or facebook in one's title of a post gets more hits. Gotta try havin 'em both together in the title :-|

    Yep, I ain't gonna talk about how I almost spilt coffee on the keyboard readin your post, mostly coz I wish it were broccoli cheddar soup :-( oh well..

    ReplyDelete
  18. This is the funniest thing I've read in awhile.

    At what point did he realize it was fake?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Asphodel - Try titling one "How to Lose Weight Quickly." Wow.

    Arjewtino - 9:26, right after she (he?)asked how much he had on him now.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I've been laughing for a few minutes. Thanks for the cyber laughter.

    Are you serious or just clever?

    ReplyDelete