Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Oh Think Twice, it's Another Day For You And Me in Paradise

I am kind of bummed today. I am moving out of my apartment in February. My roommate is moving to Brazil to live with his girlfriend and I cannot deal with the (nearly one hour) commute to and from my office anymore. So it's time to go.

About a month ago a good friend of mine, we'll call him E, mentioned that he had a close family friend, who we'll call W, with an apartment in Gramercy that she owned but didn't live in anymore because she got engaged a while ago. Her and her parents were bleeding maintenance fees every month and haven't been able to sell it (something about the economy?). So here they had a fully furnished one-bedroom apartment in a really nice neighborhood in Manhattan and no one living in it. They also didn't want just anybody living there, they wanted a family friend, a nice Jewish boy (or girl) to live there if anybody at all was going to. Being the upstanding citizen that I am, I offered to move in and pay a ridiculously low rent (all that I could afford, actually a little more than I could afford). They liked the idea. And even though I could only afford a rent that was $200 less than they wanted, they figured that they weren't going to put it on the market as a rental, and here I was offering to rent it for more than they pay in maintenance fees.

I've always felt like I need to live in Manhattan at some point while I'm still young to get the full NYC experience. As much as I love Brooklyn, I enjoy the city a lot and I feel like I need to live there soon. Also, I really, really loathe the fucking F train and am so over riding it every time I need to go somewhere.

The other night E called and said everything looked good, W's parents (who help pay the maintenance fees) were into the idea and so was she. All I needed to do was go through the paperwork stuff, etc.


From my new apartment in Gramercy I can walk to work in less than half the time it now takes me to ride a slow, crowded subway (I cannot express to you how intense my hatred is for the F train. If I could karate chop a subway line in the throat, I would do so until my hand broke and my arm fell off. That is grossly understating my contempt for the F. Fuckingashitfuck.). I am also living much closer to my favorite bars and restaurants, my kind-of-girlfriend-kind-of-not-girlfriend-kind-of-not-sure-right-now, the village, work, my job, work, my office; And I am in a great part of the city.

Except I didn't actually get the apartment.

Yesterday E called back and said W's best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of three years and that she was moving out and into W's place. So I'm shit out of luck on my sweet new pad in Gramercy.

Awesome. Super duper.

The thing is that I can't really afford to cough up an insane amount of money right now to move somewhere else (broker fee, first/last/security = like $4000+). This place in Gramercy would have been nice (in addition to all the aforementioned reasons) because I could have paid the first month's rent and paid the security deposit over the course of a couple months.

Now I have six weeks to find a new place. I have like $200 in my bank account (sadly that is actually true) and I really was looking forward to living alone. In a sick location. It's not that I don't make enough money, it's that I excel at spending it so fast. I like to eat at nice restaurants and I make ridiculous impulse purchases all the time (who doesn't need three iPods and an authentic Karate Kid headband to go with those new shoes you'll only wear once?). Saving money is a foreign concept to me, like seeing boobies everyday or soap.

I did however just recently do the math on how much I can save if I stop buying coffee and lunch everyday. Holy effing luxury tax Batman. You want to feel bad about yourself? Add that up and realize the percentage of your income that goes towards keeping yourself fed and caffeinated at work everyday. Last night I made food for the entire week's lunches and I started today drinking the coffee in my office.

All I need now is a retainer, a pocket protector and a lunchbox and I will be a full blow nerd.

To live alone at this point is not an option unless I start moonlighting as a male prostitute (and let's face it, I'm not nearly attractive enough and I have far too much body hair to make real money at it) . I am more than likely going to have to move into a share situation and hope that I don't get some skin-eating psycho as a roommate.

I am crushed that this place in Gramercy didn't work out. Devastated in fact. I knew it was too good to be true and I tried not to get my hopes up, but the night before it fell through I gave in and got excited (when E told me it was happening). So now I start the apartment hunt, which is going to suck. I've already talked to a couple brokers - a situation which I can't afford the fees for anyway - and I've been cruising Craig's List for apartments since yesterday afternoon. Apartment hunting already sucks actually, and I'm realizing quickly that I have a serious cash flow problem (being that I'm broke and all, but I do have some mighty cool shit to put on eBay). I might have to start selling my nude photos to Jizz Hut, but I doubt they'd be worth much.

I should let you know right now that I may be homeless pretty soon, so if I stop blogging for a bit it's because I can't find a place to plug in my laptop outside while relaxing in a cardboard box. If you don't hear from me, worry.

So, shamelessly I'll close by asking if anyone knows of a super sweet deal on a nice (read: standing, with a roof and running water) apartment in NYC. If so, please email me or let me know how to get it.

Oh wait... Actually, just start sending me money so I can afford a really nice place and/or pay a broker's fee. Yeah, that's a much better idea.


  1. Post a wanted ad on facebook. I tried to sublet room once, and I was bombarded with responses from my ad there, which was free. Plus, you can look at people's pictures and find out where they went to college before you look at the room.

  2. Oh no. This sucks. I HATE HATE HATE apartment hunting. Especially when I have no money. I feel for you. Sending you good apartment-finding vibes.

  3. Dude, that sucks. You could always join the circus?

  4. Make sure you buy a big enough cardboard box. Main mistake made by cardboard box buyers.

  5. At least you still have a job. All 5 of my friends that moved to Manhattan after college are now unemployed due to the awesome economic situation. Oh, and kick your friend E in the knees for putting you through that shit.

  6. That's too bad. It's hard to not get your hopes up when things are looking down and something actually works in your favor. Apartment hunting when I moved to LA was a nightmare. I can only image what it is like in NYC. I wish you all the luck!

  7. I wish they would make "Spending Money" an Olympic event. I'd win hands down... I'll see your authentic Karate Kid headband and raise you a LolCats mousepad that says "nom nom nom."

  8. Just make sure you have a blanket for your cardboard box, because New York is cold.

  9. RB - Great idea, and thanks for the email earlier. But I was hoping I could stay with one of your folks for a bit - margaritas and free psychiatric care.

    Regardez Moi - Thanks, how about sending me some money along with those vibes? No? Okay.

    Punchline- Haha, touche.

    RS27 - You had me at box.

    Grand Wave - I love the knee-kicking idea. Might have to put it in with the karate chop moves.

    Zen - Thanks, I have a feeling I'll need some luck.

    Lilu - That's a quality purchase right there. You know what would go well with that? A breakfast sandwich paperweight.

    BWP - All this box talk is making me blush.

  10. 1. I totally caught on to your ploy to mention Jizz Hut, again. 2. Philly has a great apartment open- its almost the same commute from Brooklyn to Manhattan, give or take an hour, plus you can step it up with Chinatown bus instead of the F train?!... No, ok.

  11. This is the perfect time for you to pack your shit and come down here!

  12. Oh wait, you need to hold out until after my trip to NY! So I'll have someone to play with.

  13. Took me 6 months of apartment hunting to move out of harlem and to midtown. I was picky, but I hope you have better luck than I!

  14. Miss Mak - Ha, I didn't even think of that, but I am sure to get some pervs here now (well, more pervs). And I'll move to Philly tonight if I can hang with the Always Sunny cast and/or be on that show.

    Jossie - Don't temp me... Ok, do.

    Jossie - You can pack me in your suitcase for the return trip.

    Dating w/o Pants - So, you're saying you need a roommate?

  15. Wait--authentic Karate Kid head band?

    Do *not* kick yourself for that purchase.

  16. sorry it didn't work out dude. i hope you find something else soon.

    also, i like nerds who bring their lunch to work. i used to be one of them. hopefully i will be one again someday.

  17. Saratogajean - "Kick" myself? I see what you did there. Nice.

    Beth - NYC has tons of awesome jobs and awesome people. Just sayin'...

  18. I have to ask... your title is pulled directly out of a Phil Collins song about homeless people.

    And then your first line of the entry is, "I'm kinda bummed".

    Am I a dick for laughing?

  19. SO24 - Not at all, I thought I was really clever for doing that until no one mentioned it. Thanks for pointing out my (subtle) genius.

  20. Oh man I was so pumped to read about your sweet apt. hookup and then totally bummed when it didn't work out! Seriously!!!
    Well I wish you happy apt. hunting and hope you land something spectacular!

  21. Definitely can't help in the apartment-finding arena, but I do have some cardboard boxes I can send your way while you have an address. :/

    In all seriousness, that sucks. The in-between, uncertain parts of life are tough to go through. I hope something works out for you soon.