Wednesday, December 10, 2008

How to lose weight quickly

During the years I lived in Colorado and did the whole extreme skier thing I was fucking deisel. I mean was in really, really sick shape. Then a few years ago, while I was still living out there and still skiing everyday, I got hurt really bad (extreme skiing lends itself well to serious injuries; seriously, true story) and was laid up for a while. I lost most of my sponsorships and got really lazy in general. Which led to me getting kind of... um, round.

After I got hurt I went back to school, graduated from said school (hey, a lot of people need 8 years to finish college without getting an M.D.) and moved to New York to get a "real job." Now, instead of skiing and generally enjoying the mountains, I ride the subway and sit at a desk most of the day.

Awesome move, dude.

During the injury>school>move to NYC>desk job span I managed to gain a lot of weight. In the relatively short timeframe right after the injury I gained some weight because I wasn't very mobile and I was on a 100-bong hit a day regimen, which led to many Ben & Jerry sessions and a lot of sitting around. Plus, apparently drinking like 15 beers a day can be fattening.

After moving to New York and being the serious foodie that I am I naturally felt it was my responsibility to try as many restaurants and pizza joints as I could when I moved here. So that, combined with not burning like a million calories a day while skiing, meant I got fat after I moved here.

FAT, fat. And not with a "ph" either. I gained like 60+ pounds in less than two years.

I know.

This past spring, I found out I had an ulcer (I wrote about it briefly here, but again, the 15 beers-a-day may have been a contributing factor. Just saying). The doctor put me on some meds and no alcohol, and I put myself on an ulcer-curing diet plan. I ate yogurt and granola for breakfast, I would have a banana or two for lunch (sometimes I would have some carrots for lunch - how exciting, right?) and I would eat an avocado and a half a cup of cottage cheese for dinner. That's it. For almost five months that was all I ate. Ulcers really harsh your appetite bone and I love avocados and cottage cheese, so it actually wasn't that hard to do.

Around the same time as I discovered I had an ulcer and started on the diet and all, I saw a picture of myself. I realized - just like in one of those Jenny Craig commercials - just how fat I really was. I looked like Jobba the Hut. Pregnant. After a big meal. Except, you know, whiter and with a lot more body hair.

So I figured as long as I was on the holocaust diet plan, I would start working out again and try and shed some of the extra pounds I had worked so hard to add on over the past couple of years. While it was a difficult decision, and I loved those pounds of flabby fattness for all the good times we had shared and all those long nights it kept me warm, I felt it was time for us to end our courtship.

So I started running and doing sit-ups and push-ups everyday. I was never a runner at all, so this was a big step for me - running like 4-5 days a week. (Wait, so I just put one foot in front of the other and repeat? Huh...)

The ulcer had forced me onto a crazy lactard-rabbit diet, my own sense of self-disgust had me working out again and I ended up losing about 50 pounds in just over four months.

(I seriously thought about writing to one of those self-help or healthy lifestyle magazines with "the ultimate diet plan." Then I found out that getting an ulcer and having no appetite isn't really that healthy. Go figure, my one shot at being ever published. Also: Not sitting on your ass all day and cutting some calories out of your diet? Not a very innovative or unique approach to losing weight.)

My workout when I lived in the mountains involved some training, generally peaking during the fall to gear up for the ski season. But it was mostly a Rocky IV kind of workout: Shoveling snow, skiing, lifting the front end of my snowmobile out of deep snow when it got stuck, chopping wood in the fall, construction work in the summer, just exerting myself in general.

(Wow, I just re-read that last paragraph and holy shit did I used to be manly. Now I can barely carry my own purse without getting tired.)

Now I work out in the gym. I started at the gym again this winter when it got too cold to run outside and I am pretty much there five days a week. The thing is I have an ultra-super-serious sweet tooth and have no will power over it (I am snorting Oreo crumbs and chasing them with bacon grease even as I write this). I still want to drop about 20 more pounds to get to where I want to be (which is even more insanely, ridiculously good looking than I already am; if that's even possible) and I know in order to do that I need to work out AND not eat anything. At all. I know my addiction to cookies, boobies, bacon and fattening foods is what is holding me back from losing the last little bit, but I cannot control myself. I am essentially working out in order to be able to eat what I want and to not gain weight, but to not lose any either, like treading water.

Fat water.

I have always been all about enjoying life to the fullest - eating, fraternizing, drinking, cavorting, you name it - if it feels good then do it, I say. So, seriously, drop a few more pounds or give up good food and cookies and bacon? Particularly with all the amazing restaurants and food in New York City, it would be like going to a whorehouse after I cut off my dick.

So my question is: How does one willingly quit eating food that's bad for you without first getting an ulcer?

Or a better question is: How can I keep eating cookies and bacon (oooh, what about bacon cookies? I bet those would be awesome!) and still lose weight? And how can I get really rich without having to do any actual work? And how do I keep all these attractive women from begging me to sleep with them? It's getting so annoying. Wait...

Oh, and keep the questions for the "about me" section coming. Seriously people, that post isn't going to write itself and I haven't nearly enough motivation or introspective prowess to write that much about myself. Also, I am really surprised by the fact that a question I thought would be asked hasn't even been approached yet. I thought for sure it would be one of the first ones I'd get, but nothing at all... Hmmmm.


  1. I would like to know how you injured yourself. I had a really bad accident on a skateboard and can't really skate anymore. I was laid up for awhile and was also on the same get ripped/ eat lots/ drink lots plan so I totally relate to this.

  2. I don't even want to respond to this post with all the gratuitous bacon talk in did it on purpose I am sure.

    I think you are better off allowing yourself to eat the things that you like, cookies wrapped in bacon (bleh, I just threw up a little) or you may run the risk of going off the deep end. Its what usually happens with girls when we diet. Its not good to cut everything out, just keep a good balance.

    And no boobies until you lose another 20lbs.

  3. If your 20SB profile pic is of you - then.. yes.. you are definitely, definitely hot. Hawt, even.

    But that weight shit is a fucking pain in the ass. I hate that it's so goddamn hard to deal with and just annoying to get rid of. I'm glad you're doing the gym thing.. and I hope that the ulcer situation rectifies itself so you can eat normally again. I don't have the first clue about ulcers so I have no advice on that.

    I think when we get older, we naturally pack on some weight. And it's just all about us kind of finding our own balance.

    in other news, my big boss just walked in to talk to me while I was writing this and UGH! bad.

  4. I did that whole 10 bong hits a day diet plan in college. Well, multiply that by 100. Oh man, the fattiness was at an all-time high. Pun intended?

  5. My best weight loss plan was hiking the AT- seriously the skinniest I've ever been. But as soon as I stopped hiking, the weight came back on (didn't help that I kept my hiker's appetite). So my answer is, I have no clue. Let me know when you find out. Because I love bacon and cookies, too.

  6. "I looked like Jobba the Hut. Pregnant. After a big meal. Except, you know, whiter and with a lot more body hair."

    You've never looked sexier to me.

  7. this post just made me lauuggghhh. i have written some about my own "fatty fat timeline" but not in this much awesome detail.

    here is your solution:
    1) ask some skinny girls you know about low-fat/no fat diet foods that are still tasty. girls know these secrets. they will tell you things like turkey bacon and no pudge brownies.
    2) have sex with these skinny hot girls. I find that I am most successful at looking hot when i have to be naked in front of people.

    And please stop making me submit questions for your about, I think I have been a good citizen and done my part. But OK, here are some more...
    1) If you could be doing anything in the world right now other than writing in your blog, what would it be?
    2) On a scale of 1-10 how much do you love boobs?

    And I think I know the one you want people to ask but I'll be DAMNED if I am going to ask it!

    (Are you a virgin? ... that was the question, right??)

  8. I'm not about running either, but I have prime location around my house to make for a great run. Which makes me really WANT to start running, but I'm blaming the lack of motivation on a broken ipod. Running with no music. Yikes. I try to eat fairly healthy majority of the time, but like you, MAJOR sweet tooth. That half eaten box of oreos I ate last night will prove my point!

  9. Grand Wave - Skiing. Big air off a cliff; didn't stick the landing. Good times.

    Jossie - I think secretly you like bacon. And about those boobies: Please?

    Deutlich - That totally is my picture, thanks (blushing). I hope you didn't get fired. If you need help with your performance review, you know who to ask.

    BWP - You're as clever as ever (see what I did there with the rhyming?)

    Punchline - Maybe we can combine forces and find out how to do it? We will be famous when we figure it out. Well, more famous.

    LiLu - That's what she said.

    Bethis - Sex with hot girls seems unlikely. Unless I find one who is willing to let me have sex with her. And getting naked in front of people is what got me into all that trouble at the circus last year, so...

    Also, you have fullfilled your question asking duties, nice job - it's the other people who need to submit them.

    And no, not the question I was thinking of. A hint: I mentioned something about it in an old post.

  10. Zen - No joke, I was eating Oreos last night while I was writing some of this post. Sad but true.

  11. UE - Feed me some bacon. Test out this theory of yours. Don't say I didn't warn you.

    Maybe. Christmas could be pork, mustaches, drinking and boobies.

  12. Jossie - What's a pork moustache? ;)