Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It's a Christmas miracle that I haven't bitchslapped a stranger yet

Okay, I know I am technically Jewish and I don't even celebrate Christmas but I am extremely excited for the Christmas season this year.

Normally all the holiday songs and cheer and goodwill and all that shit really bothers me. I don't like people, and I certainly do not like people I don't know talking to me or asking me for spare change. But this year, and maybe because I am getting to be an adult (haha!), I am really pumped for all the lights, Christmas music (Mostly Sinatra and such), store window displays, snow, and especially all the cheeriness and goodwill (not by me though).

Whatever it is, I am so psyched right now for the season.

Fat people normally gross me out, but fat people dressed up like Santa? Awesome.

Reindeer usually terrify me and I have to sleep with the lights on when I have the reindeer dreams. But Christmas reindeer? Electrifying!

Homeless people begging for change on the subway normally makes me sad. But homeless dudes begging for change and adding "it's Christmas season"? Well, actually, that still makes me feel bad.

But I think you get the point - I am geared the ef up for Christmas.

Oh, and Hanukkah too. Right, My peoples' holiday. I am excited about that too.

Seriously, I don't know why that is this year. Maybe because NYC gets so "Miracle on 34th Street" this time of year. But I am buzzing with anticipation and excitement for all that stuff.

I want to do all that stupid holiday stuff that you see people in those sappy Christmas movies doing. I want to go ice skating, shopping, bake cookies (well, I'm excited to eat Christmas cookies anyway), decorate a tree, slap a stranger, hear Christmas music in stores and elevators...

I may even get a tree in my apartment this year. Shit, I may even put those little, what are they called... "lights" on it.

Now don't get me wrong, I still am not likely going to buy gifts for anyone or do anything special to show my excitement and cheer. No, I want to make sure I continue to put off that angry teenager vibe all the time and that no one knows how happy and excited I really am about all this shit. But I on the inside, rest assured, I am glowing with cheer, goodwill and Christmas spirit. Well, as much as any Jew can.

Ugh, how sugary was that? I think I need to go puke now.


  1. Awwww. I totally want to give you a Christmas hug now.

    Really just an excuse to press my boobs up against someones chest.

  2. Sinatra christmas music is the best! High five on that one.

  3. My birthday is the day after Christmas! And that is what I am super stoked about!

  4. Jossie - You know how I feel about boobs. Don't tease me.

    BWP - Sinatra, in general, rules face. High five for Frankie Blue Eyes! (and take pictures of the holiday whore house please)

    Deutlich - I thought your comments didn't work here. Happy almost-birthday!!

  5. Personally, I'm a jew for Christmas, not to be confused with Jew for Jesus.I love everything Christmas- my people will probably disown me now.

  6. Miss Mak - If they disown you, I'm down to start Jews for Christmas. I mean, we killed the guy, the least we can do is stand around and hand out flyers supporting our new cause.

  7. Personally, I think Jews are the best at celebrating Christmas, because we are the best at everything.

    Not only does my family do Christmas day, but my mom and I have a tradition of attending Midnight Mass in Little Italy. Apparently my family has so much guilt, we needed borrow some from the Catholics.

  8. RB - Wow, I don't even go to Synagogue on important Jewish holidays. You're hardcore.

  9. "It's a Christmas miracle I haven't bitch slapped a stranger yet."


    Dude, I totally laughed.

  10. Christmas isn't just for Christ anymore!

    That's what I always say, anyways.

  11. I don't know why, but Hanukkah is always better when the eight days cross through Christmas.

    Probably because we suffer from Christmas envy.

  12. HBee - I try.

    Bethis - I am totally stealing that line. So now, it's what I always say too.

    Arjewtino - Those are definitely always the best years. I got a Nintendo with the Top Gun game on Christmas when I was little on one of those magical overlaps.

  13. I'm pretty sure "going Christmas shopping" and "hearing Christmas music" go hand in hand with "slapping a stranger." It could be a three-fer.

  14. HOW have I never found your blog before?? You're like my Jewish doppelganger!!!


    I love it!

  15. Punchline - Word up. Threesome are always more awesome. Wait, what?

    LiLu - If that's the case, you must be awesome.

  16. Are you seriously terrified of reindeer? I'm not judging that fear, I've just never heard of it. And if you make me latkes, I'll let you win at Wii bowling (since you wouldn't win under any other circumstances.. talk about getting bitch-slapped - me playing you at Wii bowling would be a seriously bitch-slapping).

    Oh, and I'm still thinking of questions..

    Happy December Festivities!

  17. Awww!!!! Loved that!!! It WAS super sugary!!! haha....

    I love that you just flat out admit that you dont like people, generally! ;) I am so happy I found your blog tonight! Hmmm...must be all the Christmas blog love! Suckered me right in.....

  18. Muse - I am terrified of a lot of things. Reindeer are only the tip of the iceberg.

    Katie - I have a knack for suckering in, or "manipulating" people into liking me. It's a talent.

    Maegan - I know. I totally am right? But being humble about it is what makes me even more awesome.