Helmet Week 2008

Helmet week 2008 is in full swing. I thought I would be posting more during this long stretch of time off of work, but obviously I have been absent. Sorry about that. I really do still love you and cherish our relationship. 

You're not still mad are you?

I could give you all sorts of excuses about how I've been busy taking advantage of not working and how I'm accomplishing all those things I don't normally have time to do. But the truth is I am hanging on to the last few brain cells I own right now. 

Helmet week, for those that don't already know, is that grand week or so between Christmas and New Years when people are feeling festive, people are in town visiting and ready to party. I love this stretch at the end of the year. I pretty much go nuts. 

Helmet week is official. So far I've blacked out (twice), fallen over, eaten ice cream for breakfast, stayed up for more than 24 hours, and puked in a rental car. Game on. 

Jesus, I just reread that. If anyone knows a good rehab facility please let me know, it might be that time. 

I'll be back to posting more regularly after I relearn how to read and write. 

Happy New Year and don't forget to wear your helmets!

Tits McGee is on Vacation

Okay, so today is my first day off of like twelve and I am in my office. Lame. Although, it's this kind of work ethic that gets me promoted so often.

No it isn't. I actually made myself laugh by claiming I have some sort of desirable work ethic.

Because I don't.

I wanted to give you a nice holiday send off. I plan to spend the next couple weeks killing brain cells and sleeping. I am sure I'll be updating here since I really won't have a whole lot on my plate in terms of, uh, working and stuff.

You know how it is.

Oh, you don't? Well, then I'll let you know how my two week vacation goes; hey, you can read about it while you're at work.

Sorry. That wasn't cool. I just wanted to make sure you know how awesome I am for getting so many days off in a row.

Truth be told, I am actually planning to work on Monday. And since I'm technically working today (going over some of the transition stuff for the new position), feel free to call me out for being both a liar and kind of a (total) dick.

I also wanted to say thanks for all the nice comments about what happened last week. I had a really tough time dealing with it all, and it was nice to know people were thinking of him and of me. So thank you for keeping me in mind and sending all the good vibes this way.

Plus, this week, I kind of want to continue putting down my thoughts on the direction I want to take my life in. While Lottery Winner seems like the best course of action, it doesn't seem the most likely. And I have heard that people around this age (28 in case you're counting) sometimes begin to question this kind of thing, so maybe it isn't just me?

Seriously though, I used to be so cool. And now, well...

(sad)

Okay, so have a great day lighting the Menorah, opening gifts, and hoping to catch a fat guy B&E.

(That's slang for "breaking and entering" for those of you who've never been in "the joint")

And enjoy celebrating the birthday of a dude my people killed like 2000 years ago and stuff.

Merry Christmahanukkah!

I'm kind of a big deal... People know me... Um...I'm very important... I have many leatherbound books

I don't want to work anymore.

Not like here, because I actually have a sweet job that, as far as jobs go, is great. I work with amazing people, I have the best boss I have ever worked for, and my job isn't terribly difficult or stressful most of the time* (as you can tell from the amount of time I spend on here). I'm just saying, the ideal career path for me is Lottery Winner.

I mean that I don't want to work at all anymore. Ever. I don't want to exert any amount of effort doing anything that isn't completely pleasurable or fun.

I want to be extremely rich and have the freedom to do anything. Or nothing. I want to have tons of money without all that "hard work" hoo-haw that often accompanies such a thing. I just want to have all that money to allow myself to go wherever I want, do whatever I want and to be comfortable enough not to worry about what I am spending my money on (like now, how I have to worry about stupid bills and stuff).

Now, I talk about this often and inevitably someone will say, as I am lamenting about how I dislike waking up before noon and having to "work" all the time at my not-that-difficult job, something like, "Oh, but I bet you'd get bored."

No. Trust me, I wouldn't.

I would be extremely content to wake up late everyday, have some breakfast, maybe work out, read a book, watch TV make sure the interweb is still there... Or just hop on a plane to a beach or to some insane mountain paradise whenever I started to feel the slightest inkling of being bored.

Trust me; bored I would not soon become.

Other times people will say, "You wouldn't work? Oh, I bet eventually (when you get bored) you'd volunteer."

Um, remember I said I wanted to have a shitload of money?

Volunteer? People with money donate, they don't volunteer. Volunteering is for people who aren't drinking tropical drinks out of a coconut on a beach somewhere before they head off on a ski trip in South America the next day. Volunteer, pffft, how about I volunteer to write you a big check?

I am not so materialistic as this may sound, I am just really averse to working hard at anything. I guess some people might call that laziness, but I feel like I am just being ambitious about chasing the dream of not working hard.

(And actually I have like 12 days off starting tomorrow, which I am ridiculously psyched about. I plan no going on a massive bender. Helmets will be required.)

I know if I found something I was super passionate about and could make that my career, I would do it, and it wouldn't necessarily feel like work. But I don't know what that is right now. I don't know what would drive me like that at this point. And frankly, I have done that sort of thing with my life (see: following that wacky Phish band, skiing) and that idea shifts and seems to change every few years. Which professionally is rough, because once I became established at something, I would feel that urge to change gears again.

I am sort of lost right now about who I want to be and what I want to do in life. I had a near breakdown about this while issue a few months ago, and almost lost my marbles. I need to figure it out, and find the direction I am passionate about so that I have a way to point myself in. You know, in case the whole getting rich without working thing doesn't pan out soon.

Any ideas?




*I literally got pulled into my bosses office and promoted (for the second time in two months) halfway through writing that sentence. WTF? Am I that awesome? Clearly the answer is yes.

I'm in a Glass Case of Emotion

I lost a good friend yesterday in an avalanche. I have been back and forth about whether or not to even mention it here, I don't want to make it super public or feel like I am exploiting him by writing about it, but I wanted to let you know why I wasn't writing much lately and I feel like I need to get this out. Technically, they haven't found his body yet, they may not find it until spring when the snow melts. It was a huge slide - a five foot crown that stretched about 40 feet. Those of you who know about snow science and avalanches know a five foot shelf is big.

My friend was a guy who never got a pass to the ski area and rode almost exclusively in the backcountry. Maybe he wasn't the most cautious guy ever, but he seemed to always have a grip on what he was getting into. So why was he out after getting three feet of snow in less than a week? "Well, you know ____" is all anyone can say. That's just how he did things.

He left on Wednesday morning to go ride a chute that sees a fair amount of backcountry traffic, albeit not lately with the storm cycle they've been in. Yesterday, when he hadn't yet returned people went to check his house, check the trailhead... He hadn't come back and his bike was still out there, where he had left it. Search and Rescue said they think they found the spot on the top of the chute where he dropped in, and just below that a huge fracture from the avalanche he most likely triggered. S&R, along with most of my friends, including my old roommates, are going out today to try and find his body.

I am crushed. The only thing I keep trying to tell myself is that he sucked every ounce of life out the time he had here. Homeboy made every day count and had more fun than anyone else doing it. He really enjoyed every day and did what made him happy. Always. He didn't have a big bank account, he didn't have a serious career, but he was a professional at enjoying what life and the outdoors had to offer. This was the guy you could always count on to be a partner in crime when you needed him to be; to climb a mountain in June to ski a 60 foot snow path that hadn't melted; to go to the bar and shithoused on a Monday night when you needed to do it. In short, he was just always there for anyone, anytime, and he loved it - no matter what it was. But no matter how much I tell myself that he enjoyed life and got a lot out of it, it still really tough to think that he won't get to do any of that stuff again, and he got shorted on a lot of years.

When he lived on our couch (for like 6 months) he and I would stay up every night, drink like 10-15 beers each - sometimes we would see who could slam a whole bottle faster, fun times that "adults" don't normally have on a regular basis outside a fraternity - and watch Anchorman. So I am going to put up a clip this week with some Anchorman moments for him. I know he would appreciate this, he's kind of a big deal.

Oh Think Twice, it's Another Day For You And Me in Paradise

I am kind of bummed today. I am moving out of my apartment in February. My roommate is moving to Brazil to live with his girlfriend and I cannot deal with the (nearly one hour) commute to and from my office anymore. So it's time to go.

About a month ago a good friend of mine, we'll call him E, mentioned that he had a close family friend, who we'll call W, with an apartment in Gramercy that she owned but didn't live in anymore because she got engaged a while ago. Her and her parents were bleeding maintenance fees every month and haven't been able to sell it (something about the economy?). So here they had a fully furnished one-bedroom apartment in a really nice neighborhood in Manhattan and no one living in it. They also didn't want just anybody living there, they wanted a family friend, a nice Jewish boy (or girl) to live there if anybody at all was going to. Being the upstanding citizen that I am, I offered to move in and pay a ridiculously low rent (all that I could afford, actually a little more than I could afford). They liked the idea. And even though I could only afford a rent that was $200 less than they wanted, they figured that they weren't going to put it on the market as a rental, and here I was offering to rent it for more than they pay in maintenance fees.

I've always felt like I need to live in Manhattan at some point while I'm still young to get the full NYC experience. As much as I love Brooklyn, I enjoy the city a lot and I feel like I need to live there soon. Also, I really, really loathe the fucking F train and am so over riding it every time I need to go somewhere.

The other night E called and said everything looked good, W's parents (who help pay the maintenance fees) were into the idea and so was she. All I needed to do was go through the paperwork stuff, etc.

Yes!!

From my new apartment in Gramercy I can walk to work in less than half the time it now takes me to ride a slow, crowded subway (I cannot express to you how intense my hatred is for the F train. If I could karate chop a subway line in the throat, I would do so until my hand broke and my arm fell off. That is grossly understating my contempt for the F. Fuckingashitfuck.). I am also living much closer to my favorite bars and restaurants, my kind-of-girlfriend-kind-of-not-girlfriend-kind-of-not-sure-right-now, the village, work, my job, work, my office; And I am in a great part of the city.

Except I didn't actually get the apartment.

Yesterday E called back and said W's best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of three years and that she was moving out and into W's place. So I'm shit out of luck on my sweet new pad in Gramercy.

Awesome. Super duper.

The thing is that I can't really afford to cough up an insane amount of money right now to move somewhere else (broker fee, first/last/security = like $4000+). This place in Gramercy would have been nice (in addition to all the aforementioned reasons) because I could have paid the first month's rent and paid the security deposit over the course of a couple months.

Now I have six weeks to find a new place. I have like $200 in my bank account (sadly that is actually true) and I really was looking forward to living alone. In a sick location. It's not that I don't make enough money, it's that I excel at spending it so fast. I like to eat at nice restaurants and I make ridiculous impulse purchases all the time (who doesn't need three iPods and an authentic Karate Kid headband to go with those new shoes you'll only wear once?). Saving money is a foreign concept to me, like seeing boobies everyday or soap.

I did however just recently do the math on how much I can save if I stop buying coffee and lunch everyday. Holy effing luxury tax Batman. You want to feel bad about yourself? Add that up and realize the percentage of your income that goes towards keeping yourself fed and caffeinated at work everyday. Last night I made food for the entire week's lunches and I started today drinking the coffee in my office.

All I need now is a retainer, a pocket protector and a lunchbox and I will be a full blow nerd.

To live alone at this point is not an option unless I start moonlighting as a male prostitute (and let's face it, I'm not nearly attractive enough and I have far too much body hair to make real money at it) . I am more than likely going to have to move into a share situation and hope that I don't get some skin-eating psycho as a roommate.

I am crushed that this place in Gramercy didn't work out. Devastated in fact. I knew it was too good to be true and I tried not to get my hopes up, but the night before it fell through I gave in and got excited (when E told me it was happening). So now I start the apartment hunt, which is going to suck. I've already talked to a couple brokers - a situation which I can't afford the fees for anyway - and I've been cruising Craig's List for apartments since yesterday afternoon. Apartment hunting already sucks actually, and I'm realizing quickly that I have a serious cash flow problem (being that I'm broke and all, but I do have some mighty cool shit to put on eBay). I might have to start selling my nude photos to Jizz Hut, but I doubt they'd be worth much.

I should let you know right now that I may be homeless pretty soon, so if I stop blogging for a bit it's because I can't find a place to plug in my laptop outside while relaxing in a cardboard box. If you don't hear from me, worry.

So, shamelessly I'll close by asking if anyone knows of a super sweet deal on a nice (read: standing, with a roof and running water) apartment in NYC. If so, please email me or let me know how to get it.

Oh wait... Actually, just start sending me money so I can afford a really nice place and/or pay a broker's fee. Yeah, that's a much better idea.

Looks Like We Made It...

Holy shit I did it! I made it (almost)! I am this much closer to being famous (well, more than I already am). Someone found my blog though a search engine. Yep, that's right. Not just anyone gets mentioned on those things, you know.

I know I owe you the story of the drunk teamster and who called me a fruitcake and whose best friend invented something you're using right now. But I have to share something else with you first. Something awesome.

(And honestly the teamster story isn't really even that interesting.)

I just recently started to keep track of the stats on this blog; sorry if that freaks you out. But because you and I have always been about having an open, honest relationship, you should know that every time you view this blog I get your home address, telephone number, social security number, naked pictures, etc.

Or, you know, I can see that "someone" viewed it.

(so feel free to email me those naked pictures)

I can also see where that viewer was referred from or if they found me in a search engine. Since I began checking the stats about viewers I have had exactly one person find us here through a search engine.

It was some search engine called "Google."

Yeah, I've never heard of it either.

But dude, you're getting boring. I thought you said something about awesomeness? Well, how's this for awesome?

Anybody want to guess what that person typed in to Google to find this blog? C'mon go ahead...

Give up?

"Jizz Hut"

I shit you not, the one person who has ever found If Your Feet Aren't on the Ground through something other than another blog, or 20sb, or their own reader or whatever, typed in "Jizz Hut" and landed here.

My first reaction was, "awesome, someone new found my blog. And through Google no less. I really am on the road to becoming famous."

I make fun of myself for being immature and having an inappropriate sense of humor. But the fact that someone actually typed in "Jizz Hut" and was directed to this blog is fucking awesome.

I totally win.

Actually just the fact that someone typed "Jizz Hut" into their Google search bar is funny enough.

Jizz Hut? Why here?

And then there's the obvious thought. Who is searching the Internet for Jizz Hut and why? ...Actually I don't think I want to know.

Is Jizz Hut like Pizza Hut?

Well, no, it isn't. I Googled it myself (just now actually, probably shouldn't have done that from work) to see if I came (heehee) up, and it turns out that Jizz Hut is an adult website.

It's probably pretty classy too, with a name like that.

And class is what we've always been all about here.

Jizz Hut... Man, I rule.

What to do When Your Facebook Gets Hacked

The following is a transcript from a Facebook chat my friend Bo had with the person who hacked our friend Jenn's account. Just so you know, Bo and I are basically non-sexual soulmates. He has been one of my closest friends for more than half of my life, and we tend to think using the same brain. Except he is much, much funnier than I am. And more talented at stuff.

To give you a bit of context, Jenn is a friend of ours from high school who I am vaguely in touch with (through Facebook) although we more or less lost touch, like most of the people I went to high school with (with the exception of a select few). Bo and her, both still living in Minneapolis, are still friends and in touch more often than she and I, but not super close.

I didn't want to edit the text, and it is from a chat, so bear with any spaces missing or misspellings, etc. This is just so damn funny I couldn't not post it on here.




The chat Bo had with whoever hacked Jenn's Facebook account:

Jennifer

hi

9:06am



Bo

Hey you!

9:06am



Jennifer

am in a mess

9:07am



Bo

what sort of mess?

9:09am



Jennifer

am stuck here in London

9:09am



Bo

well that's not so bad. How are you stuck?

9:10am



Jennifer

i was robbed in my hotel room

9:10am



Bo

scary

you ok?

9:11am



Jennifer

am ok

9:12am



Bo

they get your passport?

9:12am



Jennifer

nope am glad my passport is secure all my belongings including my wallet was stolen at gunpoint

9:13am



Bo

jesus, he came into your hotel?

9:14am



Jennifer

they came

4 of them

9:14am



Bo

Brits?

9:15am



Jennifer

dont know

but the police told us that they are russians

9:15am



Bo

are you alone there?

9:16am



Jennifer

am here with my husband

9:17am



Bo

neither of you hurt?

9:17am



Jennifer

nope

9:18am



Bo

well that is fucking scary, but I'm glad you are okay. Both of you

9:18am



Jennifer

yeah

we are glad we have out lives and our passport secured too

we need your help

9:19am



Bo

sure, what do you need?

9:20am



Jennifer

wondering if you could loan us some money to get out ticket back home and to settle some outstanding bills here at the hotel

i will pay back immediately i get back home I promise

9:22am



Bo

how much do you guys need?

9:22am



Jennifer

700$ will be ok since some money has been wired to us earlier

just not enough to get us back home

but i dont if you could afford such at the moment?

9:24am



Bo

I really dont have that much money, but I can try to get something together, did you contact your folks?

9:24am



Jennifer

yeah

our parents sent the ones we have to us how much do you have on you now that can be wire to us via western union now?cos thats the way we recieve money earlier

9:26am [By now Bo figured out it was a scam, and NOT Jenn]



Bo

what hotel are you in?

9:27am



Jennifer

Sector Hotel

9:28am



Jennifer

are you helping us or not?

please talk to me

how much can you afford to loan and wire to me now?

9:29am



Bo

hold on

9:32am



Jennifer

hello

am still waiting !

9:32am



Bo

checking my bank account, hold on

9:33am



Jennifer

oh,ok

9:36am



Bo

setting up western union now, did you tell your mom you were robbed?

9:37am



Jennifer

yes

she sent some money too

how much can you afford now?

9:40am



Bo

I can only send $1000 at a time

9:40am



Jennifer

ok

9:42am



Bo

do you need more than that?

9:42am



Jennifer

no

9:42am



Bo

ok where do I send it?

im so worried for you

9:43am



Jennifer

to my name

9:44am



Bo

how much should I send?

9:44am



Jennifer

how much can you afford?

9:45am



Bo

i have plenty, over 10,000 in my account, so how much do you need to get home safe

9:45am



Jennifer

900$ will be ok

9:45am



Bo

are you sure thats enough?

9:45am



Jennifer

yes

which stage are you on the transfer?

9:46am



Bo

stage 2

9:46am



Jennifer

which page is that?

9:46am



Bo

im new at this, give me a minute

9:47am



Jennifer

but you should be able to see what is on the page

9:47am



Bo

I miss spending time with you

9:48am



Jennifer

which page are you?

whats on the page?

9:48am



Bo

it says defcon 4 at the top

does that help?

9:49am



Jennifer

what!

9:49am



Bo

I cant get it to work, I'm going to drop the money off at your parents house and let them wire it to you. okay?

please talk to me

9:50am



Jennifer

what happened

you not trying to help me

9:51am



Bo

I cant figure it out, bringing the money to your parents

9:51am



Jennifer

i dont know what you might be thinking

but you can do anything you like

you are not doing anything since just trying to waste my time

thinking this is a joke? right?
9:52am



Bo

No i really want to help you, but I cant get western union to work
9:53am



Jennifer

okthere is a way out

9:53am



Bo

what is it?

9:53am



Jennifer

can find an agent very close to youand you can wire it from there

9:54am



Bo

ok let me know where

9:55am



Jennifer

You can get this yourself on the western union home page

on the top you will see FIND AN AGENT

9:56am



Bo

oh ok

9:56am



Jennifer

click that and you will the nearest to you

9:56am



Bo

Do you still work at the day care?

9:57am



Jennifer

i work for Target

have you seen outlet very close to you now?

9:58am



Bo

yes I found one.I will drive there

9:58am



Jennifer

ok

9:58am



Bo

Should I call your ex husband?

9:58am



Jennifer

where is that?how long will it take to get there ?

9:59am



Bo

5 minutes

9:59am



Jennifer

do you have to go that lenght?

am with my husband

9:59am



Bo

should I call your ex husband?

9:59am



Jennifer

why do you have to call any other person

are you trying to expose me to the whole wordl?

10:00am



Bo

your first husband, he has a lot of money

Is your daughter with you? [Jenn doesn't have a daughter]

10:01am



Jennifer

please go and do this if you really wants to

10:01am



Bo

Okay I am going, is your daughter with you?

10:01am



Jennifer

when you are backdrop a note for me in my facebook inbox with the transfer detail for the pick up

have to go now

10:02am



Bo

wait wait!

10:02am



Jennifer

you have my name

incase you need an addressthis is the hotel address11 GILDEN STREETLONDONNW5 4AQ

10:03am



Bo

lets talk about the old times, how we used to take long walks in the park. Remember that time you got sick on the school bus and threw up on all the kids?

10:03am



Jennifer

UNITED KINGDOM

i will check back later to get the details

you are nut

10:04am



Bo

you smell like fresh flowers and rain drops!

10:04am



Jennifer

we should discuss that now that am in a messgo first

then we can talk better when am back home

thanks

10:05am



Bo

mmmm ok then we can get messy?I've never loved another woman the way I loved you

10:06am



Jennifer

please go now

10:06am



Bo

my life has really fallen apart since you left me

10:06am



Jennifer

please go noware you going now or not???

10:06am



Bo

yes I am going, but is there a chance we can get back together?

10:06am



Jennifer

you know for this i owe you a favour back

10:07am



Bo

i often sit for hours in the bath tub, with nothing but a can of peanut butter, crying about you

10:07am



Jennifer

maybe we sit and talk things overbut i will have to get back home first

10:07am



Bo

i'd like that

10:07am



Jennifer

please go now

10:08am



Bo

I have thought about ending my life at times. I just dont want to keep living without you

10:08am



Jennifer

you have the info with youright?

10:08am



Bo

i am empty on the insideI am yet to find another woman who will spit on my face when we do our love makings

do you remember?

10:09am



Jennifer

do you have the information with you?can you go now

please go

10:09am



Bo

make me believe you want me back. i need you

10:10am



Jennifer

am not saying a word again

10:10am



Bo

I will send any amount of money you want, but i want you back

10:10am



Jennifer

are you tormenting me?

go first

10:10am



Bo

are you tormenting me? I have been heart broken since you left

10:11am



Jennifer

PLEASE

10:11am



Bo

tell me you love me

PLEASEI knew it, you only want my money

I am going to kill myself

how could you do this to me?

we have 4 children together [They never even dated]

10:12am



Jennifer

I WILL ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME

ARE YOU GOING NOWOR NOT

IF YOU CANT HELP ME IN TIME OF NEEDHOW DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU AFTER?

10:13am



Bo

just tell me you love me

do it now

10:14am



Jennifer

MY HUSBAND IS COMING NOW

OK

10:14am



Bo

all over you?

where is he coming?

10:14am



Jennifer

I LOVE YOU

WILL YOU DO THIS FOR ME NOW

10:14am



Bo

yes i will

I love you too

10:17am



Jennifer

OKARE GOING NOW?

DO YOU HAVE MY INFORMATION I SENT YOU?

HOW MUCH ARE YOU SENDING NOW?

ARE YOU THERE?

10:21am



Bo

Ok it should be sent

i sent 900 is that enough to get home?

hello?

are you ok?

10:24am



Jennifer

HELO

AM HERE

10:25am



Bo

is your husband there?

10:25am



Jennifer

YES

ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR ME OR MY HUSBAND?

10:26am



Bo

Does he pleasure you the same way i did?

do you love him more then me?

10:26am



Jennifer

ARE YOU BACK?

HOW MUCH ARE YOU SENDING?

10:27am



Bo

Answer me, DO YOU LOVE HIM MORE?

10:27am



Jennifer

NO

10:27am



Bo

DO YOU LOVE ME MORE?

10:27am



Jennifer

YOU ANSWER ME

10:27am



Bo

Who DO YOU LOVE MORE?

10:27am



Jennifer

ANSWER ME FIRST

10:28am



Bo

yes I am back, now tell me WHO DO YOU LOVE MORE?

10:28am



Jennifer

IF ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR MONEY YOU ARE ASKING ME ALL THIS

HAVE YOU DONE THIS

HAVE YOU SENT IT?

10:28am



Bo

You used to love when i did the shocker on you. Remember?

10:29am



Jennifer

HAVE YOU SENT IT

I WILL NOT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION AGAINUNTIL I HAVE THE DETAILS

THATS WHTA I WILL SHOW HIM

SO HE CAN GO OUT OF THIS ROOM

AND I CAN TALK TO YOU BEFORE HE RETURN BACK

10:30am



Bo

I am not going to send it untill you tell me you want a pearl necklace.

Say I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A PEARL NECKLACE

10:30am



Jennifer

ITS YOUR MONEYYOU CAN HOLD IT

HAVE A NICE DAY

10:31am



Bo

NO WAIT

I want to help you

10:31am



Jennifer

THEN HELPME

INSTAED OF THE CONDITION

I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU TOO

10:31am



Bo

ok just tell me you want a pearl necklace, that all i want, just say it please

10:32am



Jennifer

WHY WOULD I SAY THAT???

10:32am



Bo

You know why,

JUST SAY IT

10:32am



Jennifer

I WANT A PEARL NECKLACE

10:32am



Bo

mmmmmmmmm yeah

What is my surprise?

10:33am



Jennifer

ARE YOU GIVING THE DETAILS NOW OR NEVER?

10:33am



Bo

I am leaving now to send you the money

tell me my surprise

10:33am



Jennifer

NO

YOU ARE A LIAR

10:34am



Bo

Do you even care if I live or die?

10:34am



Jennifer

YOU SAID YOU HAVE GONE

AND RETURNED

NOW YOU ARE JUST GOING

10:34am



Bo

You never even loved me did you?

10:34am



Jennifer

WHATEVER

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME

10:34am



Bo

I already sent the money, is that all you care about?

10:34am



Jennifer

NONONO

10:35am



Bo

So you still love me?

10:35am



Jennifer

BUT I NEED TO GIVE THAT TO MY HUSBAND HERE

TO GO AND GET THIS PICK UP

THEN HE COULD LEAVE THE ROOM

I WILL BE ALL ALONE HERE THEN

AND WE CAN TALK

10:35am



Bo

then we can cyber?

10:35am



Jennifer

I CAN SAY THINGS

BUT NOT WITH HIM HERE IN THE SAME ROOM

10:36am



Bo

but when he leaves we can cyber sex?

10:36am



Jennifer

I CAN DECIDE TO LOG OUT ON MY OWN

10:36am



Bo

mmmmm I love when you LOG OUT

10:36am



Jennifer

I CAN SEE YOU ARE JUST WASTING MY TIME

OKBYE

10:37am



Bo

But im sending a lot of money, the least you can do is cyber sex with me

10:37am



Jennifer

BYE

GO AND DIE WITH YOUR MONEY

10:37am



Bo

But I already sent it

10:37am



Jennifer

OH

YOU CAN GO THERE AND COLLECT IT BACK

10:38am



Bo

you dont need it?

10:38am



Jennifer

YES

10:38am



Bo

yes you dont?

10:38am



Jennifer

YESI DONT

10:39am



Bo

ok, but do you still love me?

like the olden days

10:39am



Jennifer

CAN YOU LEAVE ME PLEASE

YOU ARE A LOSER

10:39am



Bo

you want me to leave you alone?

10:39am



Jennifer

SIMPLY BECAUSE I ASKED FOR HELP

YOU THINK I SHOULD LOSE MY SENSES BECAUSE OF THAT

TO HELL WITH YOU

10:40am



Bo

no, I just want to give you a pearl necklace, you asked for it.

10:40am



Jennifer

DO YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE TALKING IN THE PRESENCE OF MY HUSBAND

10:41am



Bo

Sure, he can hop in the mix if he wants, you always were nasty like that.

Remember that time with my sister?

Hello? Remember that time with my sister?

10:42am



Jennifer

WHEN I STOPPED DISCUSSING WITH YOU

YOU WILL GO

10:43am



Bo

You are so mean to me

10:43am



Jennifer

YEAHI AM

AND I WILL CONTINUE TO BE

10:44am



Bo

Why?

10:44am



Jennifer

IF YOU CONTINUE TREATING ME THIS WAY

MUST I TELL YOU I LOVE YOU IN THE PRESENCE OF MY HUSBAND

10:44am



Bo

Did you like the pearl necklace?

10:44am



Jennifer

DONT ASK ME ANYMORE QUESTION?

10:45am



Bo

is that a question?

10:45am



Jennifer

CAN I HAVE THE DETAILS?

I REALLY NEED THAT MONEY TO GET OUT OF HERE WITH MY HUSBAND

ARE YOU SENDING THEM OR NOT?

10:45am



Bo

mmm you want the juicy details?

10:46am



Jennifer

THIS IS THE LAST TIME AM GONNA ASK

10:46am



Bo

ok ok ill give you the details.

10:46am



Jennifer

JUST A MESSAGE FROM YOU WHICH IS NOT THE INFORMATION

OFF I GO

10:47am



Bo

The first thing I'm going to do is lay you on your back,mmmm

10:48am



Jennifer

WILL YOU SAY GOODBYE NOW

10:49am



Bo

I'll never say good bye, I love you forever

10:49am



Jennifer

COS AM REMOVING YOU FROM MY LIST NOW FOR GOOD

10:50am



Bo

But before i go, can i borrow some money?

10:50am



Jennifer

YOU ARE DISAPPOINTMENT

FROM ME OR WHO?

10:50am



Bo

you sound like my mother

10:50am



Jennifer

YOU ARE NUT

YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF EXAMINED

BYEBYE

10:51am



Bo

it's just nice to talk to someone. I dont get out of the house much

10:51am



Jennifer

BYE

10:51am



Bo

my pants are off

10:52am



Jennifer

TOR IN HELL

ROT IN HELL

10:52am




Bo

I dont know, TOR sounds like more fun

You don't have permission to chat with this person.

So can i borrow money or not?

Friday Video Fun

Awwwwww shneezy, that's right - it's time for some Video Fun. I mentioned last week that I had been vibing YouTube pretty hard, and the decision about what to put up today was tough because I've saved a few gems for this here weekly segment of video love for you.

I am sticking with the musical theme this week because, well, I find that stuff to be funny and it's my blog and I can do what I want (unless you want me to change something. Seriously, anything you want. I would do anything to make you happy).

I added an extra video this week too, because these kids too rad to ignore. This is a band called the McLovins. these kids are like 15 years old and they met at Jazz Camp (this one time at...). Now, you know I did Phish tour for a bunch of years (you did know that right?), and I love that wacky Phish band (and music in general). So I am posting this bonus video for two reasons: These kids absolutely SHRED and they are shredding a Phish song here. Plus, how often do you get to post a video on the internet of fifteen year old boys and not end up on To Catch a Predator? Um... nevermind.

Seriously, 15 years old and wailing that hard on a guitar is just effing amazing.

I had a wonderful experience last night that I'll get into next week, but essentially I had a fun and somewhat interesting night, followed by a two-hour nightmare of a commute home on the subway. FYI, that commute is usually about 20 minutes. So yeah, I was thrilled to walk in my apartment at like 2am last night. Not to mention, I thought I was going to get in a fight at a bar in Queens with a 60 year old construction worker who is apparently best friends with the inventor of something fairly amazing.

Like I said, interesting night. Stay tuned.

I also met with a personal trainer last night at the gym and I think she may have put some sort of spell on me or something. Because I was tired when I left last night, but I felt fine. But today I feel like I was hit by a truck or something. I can't remember the last time I was this sore. It's so good, but so bad at the same time. Ouch.

Coming up sometime next week (or the following week, or whenever I feel like it really) will be the "about me" list or the answers to some of those questions. I still really can't believe a few of the obvious questions haven't been asked yet. Feel free to keep emailing them to me or commenting... or not (I'm looking at you Beth), whatever.

And without further ado (which is kinda like saying, "but enough of that bullshit" isn't it?), here is this week's Video Fun, the bonus addition:






Have a great weekend. Don't do anything I wouldn't do...

How to lose weight quickly

During the years I lived in Colorado and did the whole extreme skier thing I was fucking deisel. I mean was in really, really sick shape. Then a few years ago, while I was still living out there and still skiing everyday, I got hurt really bad (extreme skiing lends itself well to serious injuries; seriously, true story) and was laid up for a while. I lost most of my sponsorships and got really lazy in general. Which led to me getting kind of... um, round.

After I got hurt I went back to school, graduated from said school (hey, a lot of people need 8 years to finish college without getting an M.D.) and moved to New York to get a "real job." Now, instead of skiing and generally enjoying the mountains, I ride the subway and sit at a desk most of the day.

Awesome move, dude.

During the injury>school>move to NYC>desk job span I managed to gain a lot of weight. In the relatively short timeframe right after the injury I gained some weight because I wasn't very mobile and I was on a 100-bong hit a day regimen, which led to many Ben & Jerry sessions and a lot of sitting around. Plus, apparently drinking like 15 beers a day can be fattening.

After moving to New York and being the serious foodie that I am I naturally felt it was my responsibility to try as many restaurants and pizza joints as I could when I moved here. So that, combined with not burning like a million calories a day while skiing, meant I got fat after I moved here.

FAT, fat. And not with a "ph" either. I gained like 60+ pounds in less than two years.

I know.

This past spring, I found out I had an ulcer (I wrote about it briefly here, but again, the 15 beers-a-day may have been a contributing factor. Just saying). The doctor put me on some meds and no alcohol, and I put myself on an ulcer-curing diet plan. I ate yogurt and granola for breakfast, I would have a banana or two for lunch (sometimes I would have some carrots for lunch - how exciting, right?) and I would eat an avocado and a half a cup of cottage cheese for dinner. That's it. For almost five months that was all I ate. Ulcers really harsh your appetite bone and I love avocados and cottage cheese, so it actually wasn't that hard to do.

Around the same time as I discovered I had an ulcer and started on the diet and all, I saw a picture of myself. I realized - just like in one of those Jenny Craig commercials - just how fat I really was. I looked like Jobba the Hut. Pregnant. After a big meal. Except, you know, whiter and with a lot more body hair.

So I figured as long as I was on the holocaust diet plan, I would start working out again and try and shed some of the extra pounds I had worked so hard to add on over the past couple of years. While it was a difficult decision, and I loved those pounds of flabby fattness for all the good times we had shared and all those long nights it kept me warm, I felt it was time for us to end our courtship.

So I started running and doing sit-ups and push-ups everyday. I was never a runner at all, so this was a big step for me - running like 4-5 days a week. (Wait, so I just put one foot in front of the other and repeat? Huh...)

The ulcer had forced me onto a crazy lactard-rabbit diet, my own sense of self-disgust had me working out again and I ended up losing about 50 pounds in just over four months.

(I seriously thought about writing to one of those self-help or healthy lifestyle magazines with "the ultimate diet plan." Then I found out that getting an ulcer and having no appetite isn't really that healthy. Go figure, my one shot at being ever published. Also: Not sitting on your ass all day and cutting some calories out of your diet? Not a very innovative or unique approach to losing weight.)

My workout when I lived in the mountains involved some training, generally peaking during the fall to gear up for the ski season. But it was mostly a Rocky IV kind of workout: Shoveling snow, skiing, lifting the front end of my snowmobile out of deep snow when it got stuck, chopping wood in the fall, construction work in the summer, just exerting myself in general.

(Wow, I just re-read that last paragraph and holy shit did I used to be manly. Now I can barely carry my own purse without getting tired.)

Now I work out in the gym. I started at the gym again this winter when it got too cold to run outside and I am pretty much there five days a week. The thing is I have an ultra-super-serious sweet tooth and have no will power over it (I am snorting Oreo crumbs and chasing them with bacon grease even as I write this). I still want to drop about 20 more pounds to get to where I want to be (which is even more insanely, ridiculously good looking than I already am; if that's even possible) and I know in order to do that I need to work out AND not eat anything. At all. I know my addiction to cookies, boobies, bacon and fattening foods is what is holding me back from losing the last little bit, but I cannot control myself. I am essentially working out in order to be able to eat what I want and to not gain weight, but to not lose any either, like treading water.

Fat water.

I have always been all about enjoying life to the fullest - eating, fraternizing, drinking, cavorting, you name it - if it feels good then do it, I say. So, seriously, drop a few more pounds or give up good food and cookies and bacon? Particularly with all the amazing restaurants and food in New York City, it would be like going to a whorehouse after I cut off my dick.

So my question is: How does one willingly quit eating food that's bad for you without first getting an ulcer?

Or a better question is: How can I keep eating cookies and bacon (oooh, what about bacon cookies? I bet those would be awesome!) and still lose weight? And how can I get really rich without having to do any actual work? And how do I keep all these attractive women from begging me to sleep with them? It's getting so annoying. Wait...






Oh, and keep the questions for the "about me" section coming. Seriously people, that post isn't going to write itself and I haven't nearly enough motivation or introspective prowess to write that much about myself. Also, I am really surprised by the fact that a question I thought would be asked hasn't even been approached yet. I thought for sure it would be one of the first ones I'd get, but nothing at all... Hmmmm.

It's a Christmas miracle that I haven't bitchslapped a stranger yet

Okay, I know I am technically Jewish and I don't even celebrate Christmas but I am extremely excited for the Christmas season this year.

Normally all the holiday songs and cheer and goodwill and all that shit really bothers me. I don't like people, and I certainly do not like people I don't know talking to me or asking me for spare change. But this year, and maybe because I am getting to be an adult (haha!), I am really pumped for all the lights, Christmas music (Mostly Sinatra and such), store window displays, snow, and especially all the cheeriness and goodwill (not by me though).

Whatever it is, I am so psyched right now for the season.

Fat people normally gross me out, but fat people dressed up like Santa? Awesome.

Reindeer usually terrify me and I have to sleep with the lights on when I have the reindeer dreams. But Christmas reindeer? Electrifying!

Homeless people begging for change on the subway normally makes me sad. But homeless dudes begging for change and adding "it's Christmas season"? Well, actually, that still makes me feel bad.

But I think you get the point - I am geared the ef up for Christmas.

Oh, and Hanukkah too. Right, My peoples' holiday. I am excited about that too.

Seriously, I don't know why that is this year. Maybe because NYC gets so "Miracle on 34th Street" this time of year. But I am buzzing with anticipation and excitement for all that stuff.

I want to do all that stupid holiday stuff that you see people in those sappy Christmas movies doing. I want to go ice skating, shopping, bake cookies (well, I'm excited to eat Christmas cookies anyway), decorate a tree, slap a stranger, hear Christmas music in stores and elevators...

I may even get a tree in my apartment this year. Shit, I may even put those little, what are they called... "lights" on it.

Now don't get me wrong, I still am not likely going to buy gifts for anyone or do anything special to show my excitement and cheer. No, I want to make sure I continue to put off that angry teenager vibe all the time and that no one knows how happy and excited I really am about all this shit. But I on the inside, rest assured, I am glowing with cheer, goodwill and Christmas spirit. Well, as much as any Jew can.

Ugh, how sugary was that? I think I need to go puke now.

Relaxing Weekend in my Hot, Hot Pants

How was your weekend? That's nice. Mine was pretty solid too.

I had a good friend in town this weekend for work, so we got off a couple nice dinners and I got some great sleeping/relaxing/football time in while she was working during the days.

Did you see Saturday Night Live on, well, Saturday? Malkovich was good, he's a pretty funny and very creepy dude. And if you missed the Digital Short this week, "Jizz in my Pants" you missed out huge. I can't get the NBC video to embed - it keeps shutting down my page with some sort of error and NBC has removed the video from any other site (stupid copyrights). So in order to watch it you'll have to go here. Totally worth it though.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Samberg is a genius. The other guy in this is Jorma Taccone, he is a writer for SNL and was one of the guys who helped with the "Lazy Sunday" and "Dick in a Box" clips among other things. They, along with a dude named Akiva Schaffer are the group of filmmakers, The Lonely Island. These are funny dudes and the guys responsible for SNL's Digital Shorts (and a bunch of other, older stuff).

Enough with the fucking history lesson though, right? Time to bitch about something I can't really do anything about.

It is like 150 fucking degrees in my office today. I don't know how hard it can possibly be to get the temperature right in here, but it is a constant struggle. For a solid five months out of the year it is over 85 degrees in here, no shit, and sometimes it's WAY hotter. Fucking ridiculous. Somebody needs to hand over control of the thermostat, because whoever is supposed to be in charge is mentally (and/or thermally) deficient.

Also, I am still taking questions for the "about me" list or whatever, so please keep sending them in. Anything you want to know about me or my super-hero alter ego. Seriously, I am not going to be able to write this without help.

What a useless post. Sorry.

God it's hot in here.

Videos, YouTube

Holy shit you guys, I have been YouTubing so hard today... I so badly want to post another video right now, but I am definitely getting some quality Friday material.

There may even be a bonus Video session this weekend with some of what I found today. I am laughing my ass off right now; I have found some funny stuff today. It is just amazing what's on YouTube.

Keep the emails/comments coming for the 101 things list or whatever it is. Seriously, anything you want to know...

Friday Video Fun

It's Friday!! And you know what that means: another lonely night of crying myself to sleep. But also, it's time for some video fun!

After dedicating yesterday to poop and public bathrooms (it had been a while, so I'm sure it wasn't totally unexpected, right?) I figured I'd up my street cred today and drop some gangsta flavor on all y'all. Well, kind of.

One piece of blog house keeping first though. It seems like a ton of people in the blogosphere have the nearly obligatory "101 things about me" post or section of their blogs. I obviously do not. Not yet. But I want to.

However, instead of doing a straight up list, I figured I'd make it a tad more interactive...

So, for the next week or so, I want everyone who wants to know something about me to post a comment or email me (ifyourfeetarentontheground@gmail.com) with something that they want to know about me, questions they want answered by me, a thought to ponder and pontificate on, etc. Whatever. Let me know what you want to know and I will oblige* by letting you know what I know you want to know about what I know. Or something.

I plan to post that list or "about me" thing in the next week or so. But I think it would be way more fun if the two or three people who actually read this (is there really anybody out there?) to send me stuff they actually want to know about me. Dig?

Good.

Then ask away.

No limit on questions (and by that I mean ask about anything and ask as many as you would like).

Okay now that that's out there, on to today's Video Fun. Oh, and also, it looks like Video Fun is the official name of this weekly segment now since no one (except me) complained about the name or offered any suggestions. I guess I'll just have to wear my helmet every Friday now when I make mention of the name.

This one is for all the Homies out there who may or may not be working in finance.




Word up, yo.

Have a great weekend.

*I totally reserve the right to puss out of anything I don't want to answer. But I will try and be as forthcoming as possible, really.

Ah, Push it, P-Push it Real Good

What's with those people who make all sorts of grunting and stressful noises whilst taking an (apparently very arduous) dump in a public bathroom? I do not need to hear that, sir.

I'm not taking issue with the noises your ass makes. I mean that's gross, but sometimes people (not me, of course) can't control that noise. Sometimes your ass cheeks ripple and make noise when blasting a powerful dookie. It happens.

My problem is with all the "unnnggghhh" and "oohhhhhhh" and "mmmmmppphhhhh" coming from within the stalls as though someone is finishing a huge set of lifting weights or something. Like, "dude, you know I'm in here too right?" I mean the door is loud as fuck, I'm sure you must have heard me come in. There are even people talking over by the sinks - you know you aren't alone in here. Quiet the ef down, I don't need to hear you bursting blood vessels.

And who makes that much noise when taking a shit even if they are alone for that matter? If you have to push that hard for a turd to come out, maybe it's just not quite time yet. Wait a while, have a cup of coffee or something for Christ's sake.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? You're okay with pushing so hard you make grunting noises? You're not ashamed of your loud pooping habits? Well, you should be. That is just so unnecessary and frankly, it's gross.

And while we're at it, wash your fucking hands on the way out. At the very least pretend to wash them like Costanza does, if just for the sake of not seeming like a disease spreading grossaholic.

God forbid I run into you at the sinks when you're done. Because I am not afraid to give you a look that says, "you, sir, are repulsive."

Well, I would probably just think it sheepishly to myself, but we all know it's true.

Performance Anxiety Review

My performance review is coming up (or is here) at work. And there are three things I have to fill out for the review: 1) My Job____ 2) About [Company]______ 3) Where I see myself in three years_______

I may have done something stupid. For the answer to number 3, I wrote:

3) Where I see myself in three years:

I see myself just having recorded and released my second multi-platinum country/gospel/reggae (a new genre I will call “recounspel”) album and being amazed at how much progress western medicine has made in the past two and a half years, leaving me healthy for at least a full year and not needing to see a doctor for anything. Or, more realistically, I see myself three years further along in my career, making more money and still enjoying what I do.

Is that bad?

Thanksgiving Nightmare Recap

I so badly wanted to write something funny this week about poop or boobies (but not a combination of the two, yuck!) or bacon, but I have to give a recap about the Thanksgiving nightmare that went down this past weekend. I don't think I can get back to writing about anything else unless I get this out there first, so you'll have to just bear with me here. I have been debating about whether or not to even post this because: a) it makes my family sound horrible, and while they may be crazy they are mostly great; and b) because no matter how hard I try to explain what happened, I pretty much come off sounding like a dick.

Well, an even bigger dick than I normally do. Which is impressive.

I went to my sister’s house in Colorado for Thanksgiving and the whole dysfunctional family was there. I just wrote about it, so for the recap go here. I have to say, I think I jinxed myself this year by writing about the whole thing and by being so damn smug about how I was going to win the betting. This year backfired horribly.

Leaving Thursday morning was actually really easy. I expected to have to deal with major traffic and long lines at the airport so I left my apartment really early; like at 8am for a 10:30am flight. I am responsible like that and I plan ahead.

No I don't actually. But I am trying to grow up and this was how I could prove to myself that I am an adult.

There was absolutely no traffic and nobody at the airport (again, proving to myself how acting responsibly and/or like an adult is never a good thing). I was through security a full two hours before my flight – 30 minutes after leaving my house, which is also pretty impressive. I had to wait two hours for my flight, so I didn’t even bother going to my gate. I got some breakfast at the only “restaurant” at LaGuardia – a small buffet stand. I sat at the closest gate and slowly ate my oatmeal, drank some coffee and then got up and meandered to my gate. Just as I got there they were finishing the boarding for the 9:10am flight. I said, “I know the answer to this question is ‘no’ but is there any chance I can get on this flight standby right now? I am really early for my flight.”

So I got on a flight an hour and a half earlier than expected. Which was great. Thanks to all of you who sent the good travel vibes to me.

Unfortunately that was pretty much the highlight of the trip for me. Getting on an earlier flight.

Remember when I said that at my family’s Thanksgiving people are always getting into fights and/or crying? Well, apparently it was my turn this year.

Whoops!

Although, technically I didn’t cry or get involved in a fight (read: I wasn’t actually yelling at anyone) I was dragged into the most tense and awkward situation ever.

My old man picked me up from the airport in Denver with my soon-to-be-brother-in-law riding shotgun and on the ride back to my sister’s house my dad decided to bring up “the issue”.

Ugh…. The whole issue could be multiple posts by itself, but basically after finishing school and before I moved to New York, I was in Minneapolis for a few months doing a paid internship and subletting an apartment. My internship got extended for six weeks meaning more experience, and ultimately more money to move to NYC with. My sublet, however, did not get extended and my girlfriend and I had nowhere to live for six weeks (try finding an apartment for six weeks sometime, not a fun task). I asked my dad if we could stay at his gigantic house for the time being in one of the five (literally) empty bedrooms in his house. Being a family member and someone who cared about me and who understood my situation (poor and starting life post-college), he said no. So we were homeless, and he’s a dick.

That is such a brief summary of the whole deal it simply does not do it justice, but enough to help you understand that I was (in my opinion rightfully) pretty pissed and very hurt by the whole thing. Maybe someday I'll write about it, but honestly it just sucks and I'm trying to block it out.

But back to the original story. This was actually a short, civil and relatively uneventful conversation, but not the way I wanted to start my trip. He brought up the issue as soon as I got in the car and asked if I was “over it yet.” I said I was trying really hard to get over it, and I have been putting effort into rebuilding our relationship (which I really have), but I was bummed about it, and it wasn’t like flipping a switch for me; that I wasn’t pissed, but I hadn’t forgotten about it. He then told me the whole problem was that I was immature and I was the one responsible for ruining our (not even remotely ruined; damaged, but not ruined) relationship.

I reminded him that if he ever needed a place to stay, my house would always be open to him. And that, yes, I am immature; it probably has a lot to do with my upbringing.

The rest of the day went off without a hitch more or less. We had a nice dinner, tons of really good food, I spilled a bottle of wine on my Aunt's plate (they make those bottles so slippery nowadays), football, the whole shibang.

My sister, her fiancé, and I, of course, made bets this year. For Crying I took my brother; my sister bet on our sister in law; and my sister’s fiancé bet on my mom. For the Fight Bet I bet on my mom; my sister bet on my mom as well; and my sister’s fiancé bet on, well… ME.

Nobody cried on Thanksgiving, nobody got into a fight (I did slap my sister's fiancé in the face and he stabbed me in the chest with a fork, but it was all in good fun). It was a curiously mellow event. I think the decrease in alcohol consumption (myself not included) contributed to that. But the next day got a little hairy...

I have always been the one in my family that people turn to when there is a problem. I get called about this or that and generally need to offer advice, suggest a solution, course of action or a way for people to resolve it. Ever since the issue with my old man though I have taken a lesser role as peacemaker, since I was (am) the one with the issue. So in trying to smooth out an impending fight before it started on Friday evening, someone got mad at me. Which lead, somehow, to me getting labeled by my mom (the one trying to start said fight) as the one causing, “tension.” How I managed to upset anyone, I have no idea. I was very calm and simply suggested that maybe the two of them discuss "it" at another time, when they both wanted to talk about it. I literally was preemptively stopping a fight, calmly, which was dumb, because it would have lead to me winning the bet. But again I was trying to be an adult. And again I was reminded why I should never, ever act like one. It was also dumb because in trying to keep the peace, I pissed people (one person) off. I apparently have lost my role as the family mediator.

Great, stop calling me about every little problem.

A bit later I was schooling my sister's fiancé in Wii Bowling when my dad said we needed to leave immediately. As in now. Because a ten minute "hey-we're-in-the-same-ride" heads-up would just not have been appropriate. Then my dad left me at my sister’s house to go back to the hotel where all my stuff was.

(Thanks for continuing to not be a dick!)

When I got up on Saturday morning, in the basement of my sister’s house, I walked almost all the way up the stairs into the living room when I heard my mom and dad talking about how I was causing some sort of issue or tension that was so bad I maybe needed to leave. I honestly did nothing all weekend other than try to get people to mellow out, avoid getting heated about anything, watch football and slap my soon-to-be-brother-in-law in the face a few times. But apparently I was causing “tension” by not letting people fight with each other and expecting to get a ten minute heads up before I had to jump in the car and leave (I was winning a game, I mean come on). Like things weren’t tense enough.

Anyway, after hearing my parents talk about (basically) not wanting me there anymore, I got on the computer, changed my flight, and left for the airport.

I was pretty bummed. It was not a great feeling to feel like your folks (once again) don't even want you there, but things have been that way between us for a long time, even though we generally get along. My sister's fiancé and I talked about it on the way to the airport and he agreed it was pretty harsh for them to act like that. But, substantiation not withstanding, it was a long flight home.

The worst part about the whole thing? Yep, you know it. My soon-to-be-brother-in-law (sister’s fiancé, whatever) bet on me for the fight bet. This was his first year even competing! What a dick! So, while I didn’t yell, and I didn’t technically get in a “fight” or yell anything ultra-obscene, it was tense and awkward enough that I knew I had to pay up… I lost the fight bet - and I was the one who lost it for me.

Lame fucking Thanksgiving this year. Losing bets sucks.

Friday Video Fun - Special Holiday Edition

My family is fucking crazy, I am ready to implode here with all these loud, crazy people around. I wanted to take a break from these crazies with whom I share a gene pool, so I started to watch some YouTube stuff and realized, "hey why not carry on the long standing, three-week tradition of Friday Video Fun?"

(Seriously, any suggestions on the name, before this one gets stuck? Is it too late already?)

There is a whole series of these on YouTube, they're called Drunk History. I am really nerdy and love to read about history and to learn things in general (which also makes me the smartest fucking person that you don't know.) So when someone emailed me one of these videos I was hooked - I think these are hysterical. This one is one is probably my favorite.

Enjoy.




Actually, fuck it. It's a holiday weekend. So let's make this a special edition of Friday Video Fun. Here is another from the series, one of my other favorites.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is a special day where we remember and celebrate the arrival of Christopher Columbus at the White House and the feast with George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and the Native Americans. I hope you are celebrating today by eating until you get dizzy; which is how we celebrate now - to remember how the Indians felt when we gave them smallpox. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Tearfest

Well folks, I am leaving early tomorrow morning to fly to my sister's house in Colorado for Thanksgiving. Which means - not that anyone will care or even notice - I won't be writing anything on here until at least Monday. Given how infrequently I've been posting on here in the past two weeks or so, with work and the face thing having me so busy and bleeding and whatnot, I doubt that will be a problem for any of you. 

The good news is that when I do come back I should have something pretty interesting to write about. I guess there's a first time for everything. 

Thanksgiving with my dysfunctional family is always, um... interesting to say the least. And by interesting I mean stressful and awkward. For the past few years both of my (divorced) parents have made it a habit to tell my sister she is hosting and then they both come to the "neutral ground" along with the rest of the family to celebrate as a family and to help us all remind ourselves and one another why we all live in different states; and why all of their kids left Minneapolis immediately after high school (and for those of you who don't already know, Minneapolis is cool as hell, it's probably my crazy parents that made us all leave in case that wasn't clear.)

For the past three years we have been doing Thanksgiving at my sister's place. Which for a number of reason is great: My sister is fucking awesome, so are my brothers, and even my parents, I get to see just about my whole family (although this year no older brother and fam, bummer) nephews, nieces and all, and I get to hang out with my parents for finite period of time. All good stuff.

While everyone has a tradition at holidays like this, my family's tradition is more fun than most. Every year at thanksgiving at least two people end up fighting with one another and consequently in tears - sobbing, I mean. Kind of crying is not what goes on here.

To make an uncomfortable and awkward situation even more fun my sister and I have, for the past two years, placed bets on who will be the first one to cry at the table. As well, we bet on who will be the first one to yell something horribly obscene at another family member. 

This year we have some additional players: partner, aunt, cousin, and fiance all of whom should only add to the already fantastic tension. I can't wait. There might even be crying before the turkey is done cooking. 

Which means I am totally gonna win some money from my sister this year. Hooray for dysfunction and gambling. 

Everybody please send me some good travel vibes, I have to try and fight NYC/Long Island traffic to get to the airport tomorrow morning and then deal with flying out of a busy and already slow and super lame airport. 

Have a great Turkey Thursday; eat until you're dizzy and take no prisoners!

Contagious Band-Aid Face

Um, yeah, so those of you (or both of you) who read this blog may be aware that I had a tough week last week. I did, it's true. And it has to do with a few things, I think. First of all, I didn't see any boobies all week. I didn't see boobies until the weekend had technically started.

Strike one.

I also decided I needed to take a little break from drinking last week. I have been drinking a lot lately - as in I cashed three big bottles of vodka at home, solo, in two weeks; not including weekends (I know, I know, nice life dude) - and I felt like the best thing for my stomach would be to take a solid week off of the hooch. You see back in May I was diagnosed with several bleeding stomach ulcers. So the whole drinking thing is kind of... Well, I don't need to be drinking multiple liters of vodka per week. Let's just say that.

Oh, the ulcer thing? No big whoop. I had these weird pains that felt like hunger pangs or indigestion for a few weeks. Then they turned into a light stabbing pain for a few weeks, and for another three weeks or so I had severe, sharp stabbing pains for most of the day that would leave me doubled over, gritting my teeth and clutching my side for almost my entire waking day. What did the doctor say? Pffffftttt, what kind of self respecting man goes to a doctor for a little stomach cramp? Not me, that's who. Until five of my friends tried to pick me up off of my bed (where I was gripped with pain and holding my stomach with my teeth tightly clenched) and put me into a car to go to the emergency room.

In Brooklyn.

For a stomachache.

Needless to say, I did not go to the emergency room that day. I had to promise my friends that I'd to go to the doctor the very next day though. My physician happens to be a stomach specialist (that's a gastroenterologist for all you non-laypeople out there, since I'm sure there are at least a few doctors who read this), so he scoped it with a tiny camera snake and told me, "it looks like a war zone down there."

Sweet. Thanks doc. That's exactly the kind of reassuring statement I was looking for.

The ulcer was perhaps due to my mild (excessive), recreational (habitual), infrequent (daily) use (abuse) of alcohol (by the way, are you guys aware that drinking 6-10 beers a day and maybe more on weekends, constitutes drinking "a lot"? I know! I was just as shocked). Other contributing factors may have included drugs (check!), stress (girlfriend troubles were just starting around this time), and diet (I gained like 50 pounds in my first 6 months in NYC by eating Thai food and pizza everyday. Apparently fairly acidic foods. Who knew?).

But I got off topic a wee bit here. So, last week, riiiigggghhhtt...

In addition to not drinking all week (I picked the wrong week to stop drinking), I had a cyst spring up under my ear.

Strike two.

Jesus H this is getting to be like a medical history report, eh? Sorry, but this is my life right now.

For those of you who have never had a cyst right there on your face, it feels like a white hot poker searing into the soft, sensitive skin right where your face meets your ear, only with more pressure from the inside and even more painful than you are imagining it to be right now. Seriously. The little fucker went from non-existent to about the size of a softball (not really) in like a day. A Saturday. Remember how I said I wasn't into emergency rooms in Brooklyn? Yeah, well try and go see a doctor on a Sunday. I waited until Monday to see my doctor who had to cut the bastard cyst open to drain it (still hungry?). And believe it or not: That. Shit. Hurt.

A lot.

Strike three.

So Monday I dealt with that. By the time I made it home from my doc's office which is way uptown, I was very out of it from the pain killers (the sweet, sweet painkillers). I had like 40 emails to deal with and had to spend my afternoon working from home, trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about. Not so much.

Tuesday I was extremely busy after missing most of my day with the face-infection from hell; I played catch up and tried all day not to enjoy, er, eat any of the painkillers as I again needed to sound like I knew what the fuck I was talking about. Which is hard enough as it is when you can barely construct basic sentences in English. I made it through Tuesday only popping pills towards the end of my day. Fine. But now I hadn't been to the gym in a few days which Uncle Ebenezer doesn't feel good about doing (or not doing, as it were).

Meanwhile my jerk off roommate who works from home as a clothing reseller or some sketchy shit was in Brazil relaxing on the beach with his girlfriend, drinking coconut drinks and probably humping in the sand laughing about how lame it would be to have a cyst on your face and to not be on the beach in Brazil in November. Being the stand up guy that I am I said (before Hell Week started) that I would take care of processing, packaging and shipping some orders for him while he was away. So I had that to look forward to every night when I got home, swollen face and all. More work.

Wednesday I had an awesome surprise meeting with an agency I just started working with and instead of being the one or two dudes I thought I was meeting with, I got to meet an entire team of people and give (an impromptu) presentation that I didn't know I was giving. With a fucking bandage on my face.

Awesome.

Thursday. Oh man, Thursday was great. On Thursday I overslept - like WAY overslept and rolled into the office pretty (read: really) late. (I was in one of those funk moods too right from the giddy-up and it took me like a week to decide what to wear - sweater vest or no sweater vest? I went with the vest, this turned out to be a decision that would haunt me later.) Which isn't too abnormal for me, but I was LATE, late this day, my friends. About three minutes after I sat down at my desk I decided nope, no sweater vest (Indecision is going to be the name of the movie they make about me after my trial, conviction and imprisonment). In removing my stupid, green sweater vest that took me, no shit, fifteen minutes to decide whether or not to wear out of my house I pulled out the stitches in my face.

Let me repeat that. I pulled the stitches out of the extremely painful wound on my face with my sweater.

Awesome. I don't know about you, but I love bleeding at work and having people say, "oh man, are you okay? Are you sure? You're bleeding."

I gave up at that point. In addition to having an already overloaded week, full of business (ha - that was supposed to sound like 'busy-ness', I am so having a lexiconal epiphany right now, wow) and being overloaded with work I was fortunate enough to deal with the painful fucking cyst/open wound on my face, working through the day on or jonesing for painkillers (I still am by the way, so if you have some email me. I ran out), walking around with a swollen face and bandages/band-aid on my face (not in a cool way like Nelly either, more of an overlapping the bottom of the ear and onto the cheek kind of look - so not hot). As well, some shit kind of hit the fan at work at the end of the day on Thursday. (I'm not getting into work details on here because I already got fired from a job for going on TV and talking about humping that midget in the elevator at my old job.) Let's leave it at: Things went bad with business towards the end of the day.

I swear to you it was the closest I have ever been to actually crying at work. Ever. Horrible week. And it was only Thursday.

And still no drinking. Why I did that to myself, I have no idea.

Strikes four, fi- fuck it. Ballgame.

Friday wasn't actually that bad. We did a pot-luck thing for Thanksgiving at work; tons of food, relaxed kind of day, lots of desserts after not being in the gym all week. Solid day. I hit the gym after work (for only the second time in a week), went home, saw some boobies, watched a movie and went to bed pretty early. I stayed horizontal for most of the weekend. Seriously, I said I was going to sleep all weekend and forget my week and I did. Saturday I was horizontal on my great futon couch and watched college football all day. I did not even open the door of my apartment. The biggest distances I covered the entire day were from the bedroom to the couch, and from the couch to the bathroom. The most effort I put into my whole day was making myself breakfast (toast) and hitting the jump button on the remote to go back and forth from football games.

(Oh, did anyone see Oklahoma slap the pants off of Texas Tech? Wow. Why even bother leaving Lubbock guys?)

Sunday, my friend Joey made a big pot of sauce and homemade meatballs and we watched NFL all day and ate a great dinner to finish off the weekend. Something about Sunday and a big Italian meal just makes everything better, no? Plus, you know, Entourage on Sunday nights is always good.

This week is shaping up to be better so far. We got a short week, a holiday to look forward to and to be thankful for and all that shit, and more importantly my face is feeling much better. I am still dealing with the fallout from Thursday work-wise, but at this point I just want to find any resolution, and I think that will happen today.

This past week has helped to put things in perspective for me though. I am much more appreciative of not having four shitty days in a row - or for even just having one good day. The weekend was the most relaxing one I have had in a while, because I (successfully) tried to make it that way.

And most of all, I have learned to be much more careful when removing my sweater.

...That's what she said!

(I couldn't help myself )

Video Fun (or something)

I know I've been absent all week and I'm sorry. This has been the toughest week I have had in a long, long time. Work is still busier than it should be (I tried so hard to think of a funny metaphor for things being busy or busier, and I just couldn't. I am so beat down from this week, ugh) and on top of that I have had some health issues (I'm fine. Well, as fine as I was before). I am so happy that this week is almost over. The last four nights I have cried myself to sleep rocking back and forth in the bathtub.


I will post next week, or even over the weekend and let you know about how terrible this week was and why, but right now I feel like I have taken a 5 day ass-whooping from this one. Because, well, I have. And that means right now I simply don't have the energy to do justice in relating just how terrible and terribly painful this week was. I want to erase it from my life. Like in Total Recall, when Arnold Schwarzenegger (I had to look up the spelling) takes a "mental vacation" and it goes horribly awry and he... Nevermind, sorry.

Wow. Whatever.

I posted a video last weekend, and I think I might make a habit of putting videos up on Fridays. Mostly because I just learned how to embed videos (like reporters in Iraq) and look how much space it takes up! We can call it Friday Video Fun or something slightly less retarded (where's my helmet?). I am taking suggestions now. Seriously, you can't do much worse than that.

Anyway, have a great weekend. I will leave you with this video of an epic fail as best man. This is best with the sound on, FYI.



I just want to know what this dude's speech was like after the ceremony. Or what his next, say, 15 years will be like every time he visits this couple and has to say hello to his buddy's wife.

(I would just love to see the look she gives him every time he walks in their house. Forever)

Enjoy your weekend, I hope next week gets better for everyone.

But mostly for me.

Somebody Loves Me

Not too terribly long ago RB (Wicked Witch of the Web) tagged me with an award/meme thing of sorts. Now, I mentioned previously that she either was manipulated by me into thinking I am much more awesome than I actually am (I got another one!), or she is equally as immature as I am and has such tawdry and questionable taste that she actually does like this blog. Whatever the case may be, I am honored that she found me worthy of it and I would like to take this opportunity to say: I am way better than all of you who did not get the award.

Oh snap!

(I hate when people say that)

Before I get into the meme/award part of this I just want to mention Barack and Michelle Obama’s appearance on 60 Minutes the other night. Barack was, as usual, very candid. He was poignant and well spoken; he was humble and spoke with a sense of purpose about hitting the ground running when he takes office and starting to make the change happen. He touched on overturning some of Bush’s executive orders with executive orders of his own. He also mentioned he has been reading and trying to draw wisdom and inspiration from presidents like Lincoln and FDR (think Bush read much of either of those two?). This is an inspiring fellow who we should all still feel proud about electing President.

But what made an even bigger impression on me was the interaction between Barack and Michelle Obama. We've all seen Barack speak many times in the past two years, but I haven't seen a great deal of the two of them sitting together and interacting. They seem like such an amazing couple, such a strong couple. I would love to hang out with the two of them. First of all, she is a brilliant woman who seems as dedicated as her husband to truly affecting a positive change in the world. Everyone knows she is exceptionally intelligent, but in addition to being a strong, astute, smart and opinionated woman, she is also funny as hell. She was giving Barack a hard time and even sort of breaking his balls a little bit for fun. I think she is just great.

And now onto the award (I'm going with award here, it makes me feel like I accomplished something). The way it works is that I mention six blogs I like and six things I like.

I’ll start with the blogs.

1) Everything is Wrong With Me. This is the blog that started it all for me. It’s the first blog I ever read regularly and as far as I’m concerned, this is the funniest website on the whole damn interweb. If you don’t already read this blog, you should start now. I stumbled upon this blog when I trimmed my chest hair. I didn't shave it or anything weird (What? It's too late to not be weird?) I simply trimmed it when the hair from my chest began to tickle my chin. Well that shit itched like crazy for days after the manscaping debacle. I got nervous about what I had done to myself and Googled something like, "Chest hair trimmed, extremely itchy." This blog came up. I laughed so hard reading it that I almost cried.

2) Surviving Myself. A well-written, hilarious blog that is funny, judgmental and pretty blunt. He gets right down to the point: He is more awesomer than you. Good stuff.

3) Your Beard is Good. An anything but normal blog that is both hilarious and down for the cause. If that cause is being funny and/or donating money lately for every comment to help fight Leukemia.

4) Redacted. In just the past month alone this guy has written about math, Jean-Claude Van Damme, sex and bacon-wrapped steak. Plus it makes me laugh. A lot. I even LOL'ed in my pants the other day reading it. Go there. Now.

5) Cajun Boy in the City. A great blog about politics and tons of other random funny shit. As well, it gets updated like 5 times a day, so you can read it several times throughout your work day instead of doing whatever it is you should be doing.

6) A Blog of a Good Time. An absolutely ridiculous blog about all things fun. She is comical, convivial and back-slappingly hilarious. Plus, at least once a week you're guaranteed survival tips and some nonsense. However, she just kind of broke up with us because stupid grad school is taking too much time lately. Her triumphant return to regularly scheduled awesomeness is something we can all look forward to together now.

Honorable mentions go to all the blogs I have listed on my page (that's why they're there), they are all great, but I was only allowed to list 6 here.

Six things I like:

1) Music.

Music is one of my biggest passions in life. As some of you know, I spent many years of my life following Phish around the country and seeing live music almost every night, both Phish and other bands (in between Phish tours). I have since expanded my musical tastes, but nothing makes me feel like good music makes me feel. We all know that feeling that a song can invoke in you. And that feeling can be so dynamic - how hearing a song in a different place or time or context can create something really special inside of you or among you and other people. Music can be the soundtrack to your life, the support you need in tough times, and it can be the often unrecognized addition to a moment that makes that moment or the memory of it that much better.

Playing music is one of the few things that can make your brain shut off. In a good way. It is like meditation in that you become so in the moment, you stop thinking about all the stuff that normally clogs your thoughts. It's a way to really channel the moment and truly experience the moment for the now, for what it is. Another one of those things for me is skiing...

(How's that for a segueway?)

2) Skiing.

I grew up a skier. My uncle has lived in Taos, NM since before I was born and my family and I would spend a few weeks a year skiing there ever since I was born. Taos, by the way, is one of the steepest, most shredtastic mountains in the US. I started skiing there when I was two years old; as soon as I could walk, I could ski. I was a ski racer in Minneapolis when I was growing up, until I was a teenager and got too cool to continue to do so (there is something about wearing a one-piece, spandex GS racing suit when you're 15 that just doesn't scream to the world, "I'm cool and rebellious!").

In college in Portland, Oregon I worked in a ski shop and shredded the gnar at Mt. Hood, where I got my first sponsor. I moved from Portland to a tiny little ski town in Colorado and was an extreme skier/ski bum there for about 4 or 5 years before I got hurt, got fat and moved to NYC for a "real" job after finishing school. I would ski super gnarly terrain daily - steep, tight chutes, trees, and would spend as much time as possible throwing myself off of cliffs. There is something really cool about scaring yourself.

(See how much more you know about me after reading just those last two?)

3) Sleep.

Man do I love to sleep. If I could, I would sleep 16 hours a night and stay in bed until sometime between 10am-2pm everyday. I love that feeling of waking up in the morning (afternoon) and saying, "fuck it" and stretching out, pulling the covers up to my face and then staying in bed.

Conversely, I hate waking up. I am, however, sometimes willing to get up early for something really cool - like a backcountry ski tour, or for fresh powder, or for boobies. But I love to stay in bed and sleep, sleep, sleep. How can I be that tired all the time? I have no idea. Maybe I'm not. I just enjoy sleeping that much. I am actually going to take a nap right now. Well, no, I'm not, but I do love me some sleep.

4) Boobies.

Truth be told, I am a fan of a very nice ass as well, maybe even more so than boobies. I don't discriminate.

5) My friends.

You know how everyone says, "I have the best friends in the world"? Well, they don't. Because I do. My friends would gladly slap me just to see me cry and then laugh at me (what?). Most of my friends are those people I traveled around the country seeing music and partying with. Many of us live here now, in NYC, and we see each other a lot. But even for those of us who don't get to see each other much, when we do get to hang it's like we never missed a beat. We are all very close with one another and we are always there for one another - no matter what. More importantly, they are the funniest, most outlandish, wild, sarcastic, fun and utterly ridiculous motley crew of hooligans ever. They fucking rule.

6) Bacon.

Holy shit. I could eat bacon everyday for the rest of my life. Bacon is the essence of all things good and right in the world. I could add bacon to anything (bacon milkshakes anyone?). I think that bacon-wrapped anything is like adding an orgasm to a state of nirvana. I truly believe that bacon is made from magic. Not magical pigs, magic.

So there you have it - six blogs and six things I like. These lists were actually pretty difficult to put together. I could easily have come up with a less serious list that would have been less mature and more fun to read, but I felt like it was time to let you know a little bit about me (do you feel like you really know me now? I know, it's frightening for me too).

In listing those six blogs, I feel like I left out some really important people/blogs that I read everyday and that I love. So, if you feel like you should be on that list and you're not, well, you're probably right. Sorry. There are just so many great blogs out there that I went with the ones I have been reading for the longest amount of time. I still love you all.

I'm going to go make a bacon milkshake now.